A very bad dream last night ....

I don't even know what time it was when I woke up in the middle of the night - sweating, panicked and scared beyond anything.... all I could do was just burst into tears because I was awake, alive and okay.

It's faded slightly now so a few things won't make sense ... but basically I'd been diagnosed with some kind of terminal illness and I was being sent off somewhere to die. This place I was sent to had a big huge furnace with a massive opening at the front. There were big huge pallets on rollers that people were made to lay down on and then they disappeared into the furnace ... to their death.

It was so vivid and definitely in colour. I remember looking at the people standing next to me while we waited in line for our "turn" to get onto the pallets and they all looked so normal and accepting of what was happening to them. I do remember there was some element of choice to it ... we didn't have to get on the pallet ... it was just the done thing.

It's getting hard to remember now, but basically I started to panic because I wasn't ready to die. I remember feeling really scared and alone and not knowing what to do ... I ran! I ran and ran and ran until the point that I woke up, sat bolt upright and burst into tears before going downstairs and hugging my kids!!

I looked up the meaning in my dream dictionary ... there were three main parts to the dream ... my death, the fire/furnace and running.

To dream of your own death, indicates a transitional phase in your life. You are becoming more enlightened or spiritual. Alternatively, you are trying desperately to escape the demands of your daily life.

To see fire in your dream can symbolise destruction, passion, desire, illumination, transformation, enlightenment, or anger. It may suggest that something old is passing and something new is entering your life. Your thoughts and views are changing. If you are being burned by fire it can indicate your temper getting out of control. An issue or situation is burning you up inside.

if you are running from danger, then it suggests that you are not facing and confronting your fears.

Sounds pretty spot on. I told a friend about my dream this morning and the response was "So nothing to do with feeling trapped or anything like that ..." Damnit I hate it when people know me better than I know me!

Fingers crossed for a better night tonight!!

Night Sweats

Okay I have to blog about this because it might be important...

I've had the most awful night sweats for the last couple of nights where I have literally woken up with my PJs drenched. I wear a pair of cotton shorts and a vest t-shirt in bed normally, but even sleeping completely naked last night didn't make a difference. When I woke up in the middle of night I had to turn my pillow over because it was so wet with sweat, and then this morning I had to completely fix my sheet because it was all twisted somehow.

Even though I feel like I slept well because of my extra sleep in the mornings over this weekend, I know I had very disturbed nights from the state of the bed in the morning!

It's scary. I did a google search for "night sweats" and the first thing I came up with was symptoms of the menopause! Menopause doesn't usually hit until a woman is in her 40s, but I haven't actually had a period in a couple of months ... and I AM 33 this year! I'm not panicking about menopause seriously or anything, but I haven't actually had a period in a couple of months now ... and no I'm not pregnant LOL just trust me on that one!

Anyway, for whatever reason, I've been sweating a LOT at night. The heating isn't on overnight, I only wear shorts and a vest in bed and I always sleep with a window open. Even with that, my nights have been really disturbed. I wonder whether it's to do with my happy pills ... I had the dose increased recently and increased sweating is a listed side effect. I guess I've been on the higher dose for around a month or so, and that's roughly how long it can take for it to kick in, so maybe it's a part of it ...

Either way, there's something just not quite right about being a woman and not having a period every month, especially as I have been feeling so goddamned broody recently! I even did a pregnancy test last month just to check for sure ... and for that minute until the result showed up, I thought about how I would cope with a new baby, how life would change but how great it would be.

The test was negative.

I can't explain it! I suppose I always saw myself with three children and with things the way they are, there's no way of me ever having another baby. Don't get me wrong, I love Megan and Nathan with everything that I am and I wouldn't change them for the world ... there's just something inside me that is so very aware of how my body clock is ticking and that I am getting closer and closer to 35...

*sigh*

I should just get a puppy or something!