Puss in (sparkly) Boots

I got up today with a mission in mind! A mission to sort out my wardrobe, throw out all of the old crap I don't wear anymore and to make space for my new stuff! I'll also admit that I planned my entire outfit today (black trousers & plain black top) around wearing my new sparkly boots!!! I should have asked one of the kids to take a photo LOL!

I walked Megan round to drop her off at her friend's house for a few hours, and got some great comments from her friend's mum! LOL I think the general concensus is that they are utterly fabulous and I am probably one of the only people out there that could get away with wearing them and actually pulling it off! I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing! LOL

Found the perfect boots (Dee spent money today!)

Ohhh so today was a MUCH MUCH better day!! I'd decided last night to get up early and go into Brighton first thing this morning to try my shopping trip again!! I was out of the house just after 9am and the roads were completely empty ... no trouble parking up and within minutes of being in Churchill Square I was queing to pay for my first purchases!! I bought ....

• A fabby Jane Norman dress in a black/teal/grey all over print. It's t-shirt material, high wasted with a plunge cleavage and makes my tits look fucking awesome!! £40 down to £20
• Funky long sleeve brown & white top (Jane Norman again) that ties around the back. Again very cleavage enhancing!!! It looks great with jeans. £38 down to £15
• Black strappy top - bargain of the day £1.50 from Primark!!
• Brown trousers £25 down to £12
• Few pairs of thick tights to wear with skirts/dresses during the winter - another bargain at £1 a pair.
• Gorgeous long sleeved black chunky bolero style cardigan
• New vibrator from Ann Summers cus I broke my old one :-)

I am really pleased with what I got today! I didn't waste money on things I'll never wear JUST because they were in the sale. I bought things I really really liked ... and of course a girl needs a working rabbit!!

And these!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG OMG After looking for weeks and weeks and WEEKS for the "perfect pair of brown boots", I found them this afternoon in Brantano after I'd been to Brighton!!!

I had been desperately looking for flat brown boots - something I can wear all day long and be comfortable yet still look good!!

These boots aren't technically FLAT - they have a small 2" heel, but when I tried them on I knew that they were the ones!! My other specification for the "perfect pair of brown boots" was no fuss and no frills. I don't want any patterns or fussy bits and again, although these aren't technically plain, they just fitted the bill so well - plus I loved them! There are brass studs around the top and a fake strap with a small buckle just above the ankle ... but they are just perfect!!! Best bit? They are a £65 pair of boots that cost me (drum roll!) £30 in the sale!!! WOOOHOOOO!!!

And then .... THEN I saw these again!!!!!!

I say "again" because ... well, see, these boots have been haunting me for quite some time! The photo really doesn't show them well, but they are a very pale silvery lilac colour - NOT lilac, but not silver either ... just utterly sparkly, totally gorgeous and very me! Today was the third time I'd looked at them in Brantano and they were calling my name! Seriously! They were calling "Dee, DEE, BUY US!" What could a girl do!? They are absolutely fucking gorgeous!! I'd stroked them the last couple of times I'd been in Brantano but not actually picked them up!! I had been reasoning with myself that I shouldn't buy them as I don't really have anywhere to wear sparkly boots... which is why I hadn't ever tried them on before, but this afternoon I broke down and took them off the shelf. That was it really! By that point I'd totally fallen in love with them before I'd got them anywhere near my feet!!! I swooned and admired them in the mirror, but even then I decided to be "sensible" and put them back on the shelf... but they were there for less than a microsecond before I saw someone else look at them, so I grabbed my two boxes of boots and marched myself to the checkout!!!

Very very happy Dee!!!

Failure of a shopping spree!!!!

I decided to hit the sales yesterday as this is the first time in years that I've had some cash to spare! I don't have a LOT, but have SOME and damned well wanted to spend it on myself! Mum also gave me some shopping money for my Christmas present, so off to Worthing I did go with Mum and Megan in tow (ooh that rhymes - unintentional! LOL)

What did I buy yesterday? A complete fat ZILCH!!!! Came home totally empty handed and totally deflated!

I've been after a pair of flat brown knee high boots for weeks now and not found anything remotely like what I was looking for, and I refused to buy something that wasn't quite right as that would just have been a waste of my money! After tramping around Worthing for a couple of hours we kinda gave up and went home!!! I didn't even find any clothes either - the "look" at the moment is kinda punky / emo / gothic and it just doesn't suit me. The other side of what seems to be popular right now is a sexy/chic office style but I have nowhere to wear clothes like that and again - it's not me! I've never really been into high fashion and tend to wear what I know looks good on me and that I feel good in - hence why I came home with naff all yesterday!!!

Mega Christmas Catch Up!!!!!

Christmas in the Stapleton house this year was a really fantastic one!! DH's sister Leanne and her two boys came to stay with us over the festive period and considering there was 3 adults and 4 children living in the house for 5 days ... it was a really chilled out Christmas!!!

The kids all got on so well together, especially Megan and her eldest Ethan. There is literally just a few months between Megan and Ethan and they were thick as thieves by the end of the first day!! Nathan and Dylan as the younger two did have a few "moments" mainly due to not wanting to share the PlayStation and take turns properly, but on the whole they really did get on brilliantly.

Because there was an extra adult on hand, the atmosphere in the house was so much more relaxed too. Leanne and I also had very similar "methods" with dealing with any fall outs between the kids, so it just worked brilliantly!

Cousins L-R ..... Dylan, Megan, Nathan & Ethan

It HAS to be said that I am so proud of both of my kids and the way they behaved over Christmas! Megan's behaviour was so good that I literally had absolutely nothing to bollock her for whatsoever ... and considering Nathan's ADHD/Aspergers and the very different way things were done with extra people in the house, he did so well too. I'm proud of both of them!!

Friday Five - 21st December 2007

Ooooh this weeks friday five is all about cars and driving. Gonna answer the first two questions together ....

1. If money were no concern and LOOKS the only consideration, what car would get yourself?
2. If money were no concern and YOUR LIFESTYLE the only consideration, what car would you get yourself?


Ooooh I'd get an Audi convertible no matter whether it was for lifestyle or looks! They are smart sexy cars that would satisfy my slightly snobby requirements and damn they look nice!! It would HAVE to be either red, black or silver though :-)



3. What is the best thing about your current car? I actually really love my car. I have a Citroen C3 (ok not technically MINE as it's leased but hey!) It's big enough to be able to cart all of my candle stock around to parties ... yet small enough to be able to park in tight spots without too much panic! Ohh and it's red :-)

4. If cars could be skinned the way cell phones and ipods etc can, what would be a really cool skin for your car? I'm always associated with being a bit glittery and sparkly from the candles, so I guess something with a bit of bling ... but not so much that it was tacky! I have seen a really funky yellow Beatle driving around with hot pink and orange flowers on it. That was pretty cool!!

5. If you were going to decorate a friend’s car with a custom-made skin as a practical joke, whose car would you skin and what would it be? Ooooh I don't know!! That's a tricky one actually! Ummmm I'd probably choose my friend L ... who doesn't actually OWN a car at the moment but I'd skin it in a 1940s burlesque style. Very her!!!

It's Friday already????

Crikey this week has gone FAST!!!! With the help of B and L in the workshop we had 99.9% of orders packed and dispatched by Wednesday and then we spent Thursday morning cleaning up and boxed up the last few orders!!

I honestly couldn't have got through it without L! She is a friend who just comes in to help out and wants payment in candles - she has turned out to be a real speedy packing gem too!!

THANKFULLY the problems seem to have been few and far between with deliveries. I did have one major problem where I couldn't access the Parcelforce website so I had to book the collections over the phone and the stupid bint booked them all to be collected from the customers and delivered to me!!! I did manage to discover this error and stick a rocket under Parcelforce to get it fixed in time! I haven't had any panicked phone calls from customers in the last few days and my mobile has been pretty quiet today so that is a really good sign!!!

This Christmas season has been .... well, I'm not sure. I've been BUSY definitely but I seem to have stayed on top of it and part of me can't help wondering whether it's thanks to the happy pills! God I love those pills!! I haven't been stressed or strung out in a long time, and although I still have the odd day where I am sick in the mornings, it's a very rare occurance these days. I just generally feel happier and able to tackle things head on rather than running away.

Still dreaming of a shop too - *sigh* I have spent a lot of the day thinking about all of the walk by trade that I have missed out on this Christmas and the number of people milling around town shopping. Some of those pennies could have been mine!!!

The new website is almost finished too - I have been working on that most evenings! I just need pour the Monochromatics and new message candles to to take some photos - then the new site can go live! Very excited about that!

Stick a fork in me cus I'm DONE!!!

Well the pouring is anyway!! All of the pre-deadline orders have now been poured and I had Lisa helping me out today as well as B back at work, so there was also huge pile of boxes that got sent out today!! I have both of my little elves back in again tomorrow and by then we should pretty much have got it ALL done!!

I'd set my deadline for final dispatch as Wednesday but as far as I can tell from what we did today, it SHOULD all go out tomorrow now!! Phew! I'd also anticipated having to go into work again tonight ... but I don't need to do that either!

Blimey, Dee may even actually get a Christmas break!!!!

Friday Five - 14th December 2007

Ooooh this week's Friday Five are interesting!! All about music.

What’s your favorite song about growing up? Oh there are so many that I love along this topic, but I think it's got to be "I'll be there for you" by the Rembrandts (and the theme tune to Friends on tv) because that's the kind of parent I want to be for my kids. The biggest lesson I want them to learn from me is love... ohh and I love the tune too :-)

What is your favourite song about cars or driving? Now see this is where I couldn't pick just one! As soon as I saw this question I started thinking and they just came at me ... can't pick one so here's my top 4 and I'm missing out a LOT!!! Mustang Sally - Wilson Pickett, American Pie - Don McLean, No Particular Place to Go - Chuck Berry and Pink Cadillac - Bruce Springsteen. All oldies but fanbloodytastic songs!

What is your favourite song where the title is a person's name? OMG again so many! One straight off has to be Roxanne by The Police, Peggy Sue by Buddy Holly, Hey Jude by the Beatles, Rhiannon by Fleetwood Mac ... and, although I really don't like Amy Winehouse, I really do like her "Valerie" song at the moment!!

What is your favourite song to get up and dance to? Ah see, now I'm going to get into trouble here because there are SO many good tunes that I would get up and dance to, but the truth is .... absolutely anything with a decent reggae beat will get me bopping my booty!!

What is your favourite novelty song? Eww I hate them! Novelty songs serve absolutley no purpose except to annoy the masses!! I'll reverse the question... I absolutely HATE "Barbie Girl" by Aqua - need shooting the lot of 'em.

K so the end isn't quite so nigh ....

I had a "faffy" day today at work where I was constantly busy but didn't feel like I actually accomplished very much at all! I also found out that Parcelforce aren't doing same day collections - whatever I book one day doesn't even get picked up until the next day! Basically the upshot of this means that I have to be finished by Wednesday next week!!

Orders have slowed up a little bit - thankfully!! It had got to the stage where I had literally run out of space to pin up the new ones! I still have a couple of days left until the Christmas deadline though.... so as long as I am motivated and keep it going, I'll do it!!!

Still beavering away on the website too :-) It's looking good!

The End is Nigh ...... LOL

Well the last party of the season is done! The drive wasn't too bad and it was a nice crowd - quite a lot of them and I've made enough money to see me through christmas and get the kids some pressies!! Goodness knows exactly WHEN I'll be able to get to actually DO my shopping though considering it's two weeks today until Christmas and I'm flat out at work! LOL I'm confident I can get everything done at work - currently - I'll have to see what comes in over the next few days before the deadline!!!

Grrrrrrrrrrr & double GRRRRRRRR!!!

Had some sad news - B's mum passed away over the weekend so understandably she's not coming into work for a while. I don't think it has really hit her yet. I'm totally single handed in there and I've been literally nonstop ALL day! Hub worked from home so I was able to stay at the workshop till late and I've been a lean mean pouring MACHINE! LOL

I got home around 4.30pm and I have to be back out just after 6pm for my last candle party!! I have a fairly long drive (hour & 15 mins or so) to Fareham tonight, but it's the last party of the season and then my website deadline is this Friday for dispatch before Christmas .... so it's just going to be madness over this next week and a half to get it all done!!!!!

Right, time for a coffee then gotta get ready to go back out again!!!!

Had a day off today!!!

Ok well technically not a "day off" as I spent it in front of my laptop working on the website, but I decided NOT to go into the workshop today. I have a hell of a week ahead of me with orders and I may have to bring my Christmas deadline forward ... but I needed a day where I wasn't faced with that place and today was that day!! I have really made a good dent into the website re-haul ... and although I need to take a TON of new photos, I'm going to go ahead with the exisiting photos for now and try to get the new ones taken over Christmas.

I have a party tomorrow, so the plan is to go into work in my overalls (damn I love them overalls!!) as soon as I am up and ready but take a change of clothes, make-up and hairbrush with me so that I can do some work, pack some boxes etc, and then change ready for the party when I get there. Talk about a multi tasking day tomorrow!!

Went to Asda with mum this evening after dinner and we were soooo disappointed with the lack of kids toys there! I charged in there armed with the kids wish lists and nada, nothing, zilch!! Rather disappointingly I just did a weeks worth of shopping!! I did pick up a few odds and ends for the kids at Christmas and something for one of my friends, but the main bulk of the Christmas shopping is still to be done! My sister in law and her two boys (slightly younger than Megan and Nathan)

I have a party tomorrow and a party on Monday night so I am hoping that the money I make from those will cover enough to buy pressies! It's been kind of the budget month from hell really this month ... hub got paid on the 21st November and by the time all the bills had been paid and we'd caught up on what we were behind on ... he ran out of money at the start of this week! Thankfully it being "Silly Season" I've had pennies available to buy the food and bits & pieces!!

Which leads me back to I NEED A FRIGGING SHOP!!! Talked to mum about it tonight actually while we were bimbling around Asda .... retail shops in the centre of the lanes in Brighton are around £20k a year and all I need is enough cash behind me to cover the shop rent and overheads for 6 months, staff costs for the shop and workshop for a few months and enough supplies to actually make the dang stuff to sell! I worked out I need - ball park - in the region of about £25-30K to set up the shop and cover everything including a shop refit and all of the overheads in advance for the first few months and give me enough left over for "breathing space" and enough supplies to then create "rolling stock" to re-stock the shop for the first few months.

Once I get through the first 3-4 months in the shop, I should have generated enough income to start making a real profit.

*sigh* that's what dreams are for!

Fart in a Trance?? Surely not!!

I think I have possibly just about recovered from my two mega late nights - or is that early mornings!!! (I didn't go right to bed last night either - I couldn't help doing a bit more to the website!!!) but I have still been a "fart in a trance" as B affectionately called me today at work!!

I showed a friend my website this afternoon and lets just say the reaction I got to it was EXACTLY why I have stayed up late over the last couple of days and been working pretty much solidly on it!!! I still have a phenomenal amount of work to do on it ... after all, it's only the front page that I've done so far and even that still needs tweaking with the final photos, but it LOOKS exactly how I had pictured it ... no, it's BETTER than I had pictured it!!

I've known this complete re-design has been needed for a while but I've just not had the motivation to do it!! It was a friend who turned around to me recently and said "you know Dee, considering you call yourself an amateur photographer and have a fucking good camera ... the pictures on your website are complete shit!"

I like to consider myself a straight talking kinda gal and if something needs saying then you can always rely on me to say it! I don't beat around the bush and I call a spade a spade ... but when my friend said that to me about my photos on the existing website, being so crappy, I realised that people very rarely talk back to me so straight!!! I've had so many compliments on the website from so many customers ... saying it's a great design, easy to navigate, easy on the eye etc, but nobody has really pointed out the fact that the photography really could be better ... and I was too "involved" to see it myself.

I just feel so incredibly motivated at the moment. I feel it in my bones that the revamped website will make a huge difference to business, and I'm all hyped up about working towards a shop!! I have been in a really good place emotionally and mentally for the last month or so. It's been a long time since I felt that way!!

I am also eternally grateful to a good friend who speaks the blatant truth!!!

It's official - I'm a genius - albeit a very tired one!!

Okay yes so I am a genius! I KNEW I would pay for my late night by being overtired today, but it doesn't matter... it was SO worth it! I had been a little worried that looking at it all in the cold light of day would reveal several errors and mistakes, but the truth is ... it looked good!!! The start that I made on the re-vamped website in the wee small hours really did pay off,so my tiredness today has been a happy balance!

B was in at work for a couple of hours, so I took the opportunity to leave when she did! I spent most of the afternoon drifting between working on the website, watching crap daytime TV and quietly drifting off to sleep! I set my phone alarm to beep at 2.50pm to get the kids just incase I fell deeply asleep instead of merely inspecting the insides of my eyelids!

I also had what would have previously been a "Major Stress Event" this afternoon when my laptop lead finally packed up! I knew it wasn't going to last forever but seriously ... when I was bang slap in the middle of a "flow of inspiration" this afternoon was a REALLY bad time! Thankfully I managed to stay calm, be resourceful and phone around local computer shops until I tracked one down!!!

A few months ago that could have been another meltdown!!! Praise be to the god of happy pills for keeping me sane!!!!

It's nearly midnight and I have forced myself to stay up to a "normal" bedtime for me ... I've got the website to the point where the main index page is totally done aside from replacing photos with new ones (a whole other new project!!) and minor tweaking!!!!

Feeling tired, worn out, baggy eyed .... but very chuffed with myself!!!

Not just any ole monkey!

OMG well after staring at a blank page for a few days, I've FINALLY come up with a basic design for the website and it's looking GOOD! We'll say nothing of the fact that it's nearly 3am in the morning though!

Ack well when a girl has inspiration, a girl has inspiration!!!

I also did a candle party at my mum's this evening (err technically yesterday but at 3am I'm not being picky!!!) and I got there early to set up for a photo shoot. I basically did a rekkie of her house yesterday and made a list of things to bring with me and OH MY GOD am I good!!!! They turned out superbly!!! I'm not going to post them here though .... gonna save them for the re-launch! Of course I need to re-photo EVERYTHING now!!!

The new version of the website is in a very very VERY rough draft state and although I've uploaded a test page, it's all staying offline for now until I am ready for the re-launch, but the best bit is that I now have a layout design and a "concept" for the site .... I've done the groundwork on the layout, made a start on the new photography and OHHHHH it's looking good!!

Well I think I'll grab another juice, have one more smoke then hit the sack!!!

Website Schmebsite!!

I've been working hard at the workshop during the day both Saturday & today over the weekend and there were a lot of new orders that came through too - always good! HAH!

And, wanna hear about my new project? I gotta revamp the website!!! Yep, bang slap in the middle of "Silly Season" - my busiest time of year for pouring, I have to start working on the re-launch for January!! I need to have my January Sale pretty much ready to go, as well as the launch of my brand new design!! All of this involves a COMPLETE re-vamp of the website. It needs a face lift and a new look. I do love how it is now, but I spent a couple of hours this afternoon brainstorming with a friend about ideas for it (and funnily enough had started working on it last night!!!) and have come away full of ideas.

So yeah, my website is great as it is, but I need a better online presence. I need a professionally designed website rather than one I build myself in notepad, but finances simply don't permit that right now! Soooo in the meantime I need a fresh and funky new look for 2008 and I have about 4 weeks to complete it in!!! Best get cracking eh!!!!!

Okay, so my new line of candles! I haven't come up with a final name for them yet, but for now they are called "Just Say it" and feature original (ie written by yours truly!) funny poems in 8 different designs (with candles poured in complimentary colours/scents) and I will be launching them in January!! I've already made up a prototype label and figured out the packaging ... just gotta finalise the label, but PLENTY of time to do that!!

I also need much better photography on the website to suggest the impression of "lifestyle" with my products. I asked my mum this evening if I could use her house (as it's recently all redecorated and usually immaculate!!!) for a photo shoot in return for the candles used and she jumped at it!!! I did a "rekkie" of the rooms I want to use this evening while I was over there for dinner (yummy!) and made a list of the things I need to make. I'll be aiming to do a photo shoot within 2 weeks so I can have proper photos to work with for the new website!!!

So yes ... lots to do! Busy, busy, busy!!!!!!!

REALLY Bizarre thing ..............

Okay after answering this week's Friday Five and Evel Knievel being mentioned ... I found out he DIED TODAY. How spooky and bizarre is that!!

http://www.evelknievel.com/

Friday night and feelin' fine!!!

I've been chatting to a few people today about how I know I am busier than last year because the figures show it... yet this time last year I had two permanent part time staff members and this year I am on my own (other than friends helping out for odd hours!) and I don't feel like I am doing as much! It doesn't make sense! It's crazy!

The only answer I have is that I am highly motivated right now and very much on top of things in the workshop. Most orders are being poured and dispatched within a couple of days (some even next day) which is terrific ... I just don't feel as overwhelmed with it all. I just seen to be in a really good place emotionally and mentally right now.

I also can't stop thinking about a shop! It is definitely where I need to be within a couple of years minimum. I've spent this last year pulling myself out of the crap and next year has to be about balancing that out and ticking over okay! I know what I am like though, and when I get a bee in my bonnet about something then I don't tend to hang around! I NEED CASH ... about £20K will do it! LOL

Today has been a good day too - I can't remember the last time I had this many good days all in a row and I am almost scared to mention it incase it all stops! LOL! Maybe karma is finally paying me back! I had a good day at work today, got eleventy hundred boxes packed for dispatch (ok that's an exaggeration but it felt like that!), plus more orders completed to pack up over the weekend. The kids behaved themselves this afternoon after school, and then this evening I've drafted the December e-newsletter ready to send out over the weekend, worked on the website for a bit and finished off what I needed to do for my new fabby range of candles!!!

Feels bizarre to be in such a good place for so many days in a row! Let's see what the weekend brings!!

Friday Five - 30th November 2007

This week's Friday five are a little on the weird side but I'm always one for a challenge, so here goes!!!!

Are you a mentalist or an illusionist? I am definitely a mentalist... this is how Wikepedia defines it ....

The term mentalist refers to entertainers whose performance appears to be based on "psychic" abilities, featuring the ability to read minds, project the mind to alter the state of matter, foretell the future, and see distant and hidden objects. This branch of magic is referred to as "mentalism".

You see, an illusionist creates things that aren't really there, and although I have my demons and personal secrets ... what you see is what you get with me! I can also read tarot and have a firm belief in the spiritual world and free will.

You're on a roll - do you feel the roll you are on? Hell yes!!! This question is perfectly timed because I really do feel like I am on a roll at the moment. Business has picked up and life - for the first time in a long time - is good!!

How many performances a week? Every day!!!! Life isn't a rehearsal and you have to get out there and grab every single opportunity that comes along for you. Don't rehearse - perform!!!!

Is there a little bit of Evel Knievel in you? A daredevil? Ohhhh yes!! See previous answer! People who don't dare, don't live and it's that simple!! What is the point in going through life just accepting and plodding? You sometimes have to go looking for opportunities because they sure as heck won't always land in your lap. Sometimes that involves being a bit of a daredevil. I love rollercoasters though and my life has certainly been one!!!

How much of what you do is physical? My work is very physical! Wax is delivered in 25kg sacks which have to be taken upstairs to the workshop (43 steps and yes I counted them!) I am constantly on my feet on the go during the day pouring candles, and packing boxes is very physically demanding!! My evenings tend to be less physical (unless I'm at the workshop) - I'm usually found on the sofa with my laptop balanced with a glass of wine working on my website ... picture big comfy dressing gown & slippers with my feet up on the table!

Thursday already? Egads!!!!

Crikey where has this week gone?! I can't believe it's Thursday evening already. It's been a crazy week for business and the good news is that since I last blogged I am now over £300 up on last November instead of £600 down!! **doing the happy candlemaker dance** (Oh it's a serious dance but nobody else ever sees it! LOL) Anyway, the figures put a huge smile on my face because it proved my hard work has paid off!!!

I've worked like a madwoman most of this week (or should that be an elf - hey maybe I should get a hat! LOL) and I even got nick-named "Little Miss Glitter-bottom" because of the trail of glitter I leave behind me! LOL I can't help it! I am a candlemaker and it's Christmas .... glitter comes with the territory! Heck I love it! Share a little glitter lurve!!!

Orders have definitely picked up but I'm still getting the odd day with absolutely no orders through the website and that isn't good! If I had a shop ..... it just wouldn't happen that there was a whole day without a single sale!!! On the other hand though it is balanced with days where every time I check email there's another order, so a fair swap is no robbery eh!!!

So here I am - on what is my tenth wedding anniversary with a glass of wine (it's 9pm and only my 3rd glass - am doing well!) and a smoke, writing this and working on the website! LOL

Soooo anyway LOL I have designed (only on paper so far) a new range of candles that I am really excited about. I probably won't have a chance to make it, design the labels and get it launched in time for Christmas, but I will try! If not, it will be my NBT (new big thing LOL) to launch for the new year. Ooooh I may hold back on it actually ... ohhhh I don't know (that'll be the wine then! HAH) I'll make a decision on that in the morning!!! All I will say here is that it features original and very very funny (in my humble opinion!!!) poems written by yours truly!! I'm sh*t hot! LOL

So okay the fact that I am now up on last year and have a new product to launch .... plus I've been mega busy this week ... yep ... I do believe I am still smiling!!!!

(ok 4th glass of wine now!)

Dreams for the future .........

I've spent pretty much the entire weekend in the workshop! I poured all day Saturday and all day today to the point where I literally had to stop late this afternoon because I ran out of wax! LOL

I like being on top of things (no filthy comments please!!!) because it gives me a huge ego boost to look at the order board and know that I am up to date on things. I did discover from looking back on the records that I am £600 down for November on where I was last year and that isn't good... but it explains why I feel on top of things ... it's because I should be busier!! I've updated the website recently and sent out a newsletter to my email subscribers ... but beyond that there isn't much I can do.

I need a shop. I NEED a shop. I NEED A SHOP!!!

If I had a retail shop right in the middle of Brighton I would be guaranteed passing daily trade on top of whatever the website brings in. It's a student town, so every year I would have a fresh batch of blood - I mean new customers. The smell wafting out of the door would drive people inside in their droves!!!

I've actually thought of little else over the last few days. My dream has always been to have a retail shop and it's coming to the point where I think I am going to need it to stay afloat.

I have a terrific product - everybody who tries my candles tells me so! I am really good at what I do and I'm not just saying that to blow my own trumpet! I put time, effort and experience into what I do and I make damned good candles!! I have so many ideas to take the business forward and to do that I need to get my accounts up to date and then I need a serious cash injection.

With enough money I can ...

* Get the essential business tax debts paid off.
* Secure premises and pay rent for at least the first 6 months in advance so I don't need to worry for the first couple of months of trading.
* Buy enough supplies to make enough to stock the shop!
* Buy fixtures and fittings for the shop.
* Employ enough people to train up and help make / pack the stock.
* Still keep the website running.
* Pay my normal ongoing business bills (phone, water, rates, etc)

I have so many ideas! While I was pouring away today, I even thought about the decor of the shop, how I would lay it all out, what scents I would have burning at which times of year etc to draw people in! Heck I even started a spreadsheet on the things I would want to have on the shelves as a minimum by opening day! We'd have a twice weekly run from the workshop down to the shop to re-stock anything that their stock room is running low on. I'd do this as it would give me the opportunity to go down and keep an eye on things!

I'd employ three people initially at the shop. One full time manager to oversee the general running of the shop, then one full time and one part time to work behind the counter and help customers with choosing appropriate things (full training would be given! LOL I know how to sell my stuff). I could potentially also work at the shop on the manager's days off to make sure it's all running okay and sort out any problems there.

In the workshop I would initially want two people permanently packaging and wrapping. This would include packaging stock for the shop and dispatching orders out to website customers. In the pouring room I would want two other people alongside me - one making purely votives, hurricane candles, tealights and wax chunks, then another doing the pillars and larger stuff. There would also need to be one main person as a manager who would need to be trained in everything to oversee the general running of the workshop and float between the pouring room and packing area depending on where they were needed.... basically a mini-me!

The cash injection to fuel this project would also need to be enough to pay these 6 staff members for the first few months in business plus the on-going costs and overheads (heat, electric etc). I'd also want a weekly book-keeper and a monthly accountant!

BUT on top of this I could also employ party plan agents to do all of the parties for me and run all the training from the shop back room too.

The thing is, I KNOW that once this baby is up and running, I would be flying without wings! This time of year the shop would be FULL of glitter, Christmassy warm and welcoming scents and colours. Decoration would be subtle and be along the lines of greenery and berries. Not overly in your face tinsel with flashing lights ... but understated elegance instead!! I'd have the Christmas three wicks (which look stunning!) on a round table, shown off on their holders with twigs and berries all around them, foil glitters and tealights scattered across the table and just MAKE people want to re-create that in their homes! Of course the Christmas tree candles would have their own fabulously glittery display! LOL After Christmas I'd get ready for a mass January sale before launching the hearts for Valentines day! I've even planned the valentines decoration that I won't bore you with ... then there is usually a lull between March - August where I'd need to boost summer sales and garden candles plus you have father's day and mother's day where I could promote beer candles and gift sets respectively LOL .... then August - September is always hell for website sales until Christmas sales pick up, but in BRIGHTON in a SHOP I'd have all that wonderful touristy passing trade to lap up!!!

I would have large photographs all over the walls of the shop showing the candles in different rooms / scenarios. Show the romantic bedroom setting, the candles around the tub, floating candles in a garden etc. SHOW people how to use them in their homes!

I NEED A SHOP!

Where do I get a metric fuckload of money from though? I guess I had better start playing the lottery!!!!

Friday Five - 23rd November 2007

Oooooh what a really good set of questions this week!!! I love photography so this will be a good set to answer!!

If a really, really good photographer — the kind who always makes you look good and still look like you — were to take your photo right now, what would be a good title for it? - It would be called something like "Just Being Dee" because right now I am sat on my sofa with my laptop having just finished website updates... I am wearing "comfy" clothes and my fluffy slippers (ie definitely not looking fabulous!!) have a glass of wine on one side and a smoke on the other ... this is typical me when I am working on the website or computer stuff in the evenings!! So yes, it would be called "Just Being Dee"

If that photo were so good it belonged on the cover of a magazine, what would be a good choice, based on where you are and what you’re doing? LOL probably something like "Struggling Business Owner's Weekly" HAH I'm here on a Friday night working on the website instead of out on the town!!

If you took an interesting or aesthetically pleasing photo of something in your view right now, what might it be, and what would its title be? Ummmm, errrr (desperately looking around the front room for inspiration!!!) It couldn't be done with one photograph, but a series of pictures representing the family way of life and the fact that every one of us in the house has our nose in a computer at this exact moment!!!

Among people you know, who seems to have a knack for taking great shots of people? My sister & brother in law. They are both excellent photographers and if I ever need to hand my own camera over to someone to take a shot of me ... I'd choose either of them in an instant!!

Are you usually happier with candid photos of you, or photos you’ve posed for? Definitely candid without a doubt. I do like posed shots when it's representing something ie a trip somewhere, or posing with a friend ... but to me the whole point of taking a photograph is to capture a snapshot of time .... to pause life for that split second and capture it absolutely. The ONLY way to do that is with candid shots.

Still grinning!!!

The phone carried on being non stop yesterday and I found myself so engrossed in work and getting on with things that I managed to just about get home in time to pick the children up from school! I had call after call - party bookings, order enquiries and people just telling me how great I was!!! LOL

Today has been a really good day too. I haven't had any staff in this week so I have had to work harder, but somehow I just seem more energised and more motivated than I have felt in a long time.

I think part of it is because this time last year when it was ALL **** I promised myself that I would give it until Christmas before making a decision on whether it's all actually worth it, or whether I am better off just selling up and being done with it. I could have worked MUCH harder this year, it's true and I could have put more into it, but to be perfectly honest it hasn't been the best year in my personal life which has made concentrating on the business that much harder. It hasn't really been a fair deal that I made myself.

Next year will be different. I am NOT going to sell up. I am NOT going to fail. Things have already picked up and as long as I carry on being pro-active in my marketing and making sure people know that I exist - then I WILL succeed!!!

A good day all round ... again! I shall have to be careful or this will become a habit!!

I can't stop grinning!!!!!!!!

I am just having the BEST day and it's not even midday!!! Normally when the telephone rings at work, I take a very deep breath and try and answer it with a smile while I am secretly wondering who wants my money (or my blood - or both!!) ... but today? OMG it's just been the best day!!

First call of the day was a woman confirming a candle party booking for early December - she hadn't bought from me before, but had mentioned to a friend of hers (who happened to BE a customer of mine!) that she fancied a candle party but didn't want the well known American candle party company ... and her friend told her all about me and how great I was, how my candles were super strong scented and she'd burned nothing like them before etc!!

Inflate ego part 1!

Next phone call was a woman who started by giving me her order number and I got ready to hear "and I haven't received my order yet" ... but what I actually heard was her thanking me for getting her candles out so quickly and how wonderful it all smelled!!! This was a first time customer and she put another order in over the phone for Christmas presents for her friends!!

Ego pretty inflated already but heck always room for bigger eh!! By this time I am smiling just a bit!!!

I get on with packing up some more orders and realise I REALLY need to order packaging (bubble wrap, styrofoam peanuts and more boxes). There's enough money in the biz account to order what I need, but I actually owe this company money from previous orders and can't afford to pay it off, so I had put off placing a new order. Bit of background - the business really struggled in the early part of the year and I had called the packaging company to put in a small order and mentioned about the cash flow problem. They were SO great and understanding, and because I had been a very loyal customer of theirs for so many years, they said I could order what I needed and not worry about it for a few months. How amazing was that! Because I'd been loyal to them and a good customer over the years, they helped me out a lot. Anyway I called them today to place the new order and I mentioned what I owed ... again they told me not to worry about it but just to send them some extra money via PayPal when I could.

I feel very lucky to have such a wonderful company as part of my supply source and I am going to plug them here!! If you need packaging in the UK, it HAS to be Box it In - Steve and Faye are both fantastic and the customer service can't be beaten!!!

So yes, feeling very smug from the couple of calls earlier and very looked after by Box it In, I just took another call!! This woman told me that her daughter in law had been buying from me for years and was a regular customer of mine and had got her started on my stuff too and how amazed they had all been about the quality and the strength!!! She said to me that she couldn't think of anything better to get her daughter in law for Christmas than some DeeLights candles!!!!

Feeling smug with a huge grin on a very inflated head that just may not make it through the door!!!!!!

Aching back & feet and no voice! Must be a UB40 concert!!!

I saw UB40 at the Brighton Centre last night and I have a very sore throat and my entire body aches from so much singing and dancing!!! It's pretty much an anual thing for me - UB40 always play at the Brighton Centre in November and I wasn't about to miss out on tickets for this year after missing out last year! I've been to see them quite a few times and they are one of my favourite bands!

They did all the best songs too - loads from the very early days right up to some from their latest "Who you fighting for" album and some from a new album out in a couple of months. I almost didn't recognise Norman Hassan though - he'd put on a load of weight and grown a goatee! LOL I sang along to everything and danced my butt off!!!!

Ahhh what a great night. Thoroughly enjoyed myself!!!

My mum said something nice to me today....

Gawd that actually sounds like she never says anything nice but I don't mean it like that! She says lots of nice things often!! Okay bit of background on the start of the day!

I rang the doctor first this morning to make an appointment to go down and get a repeat prescription for my tablets and was able to go down within a couple of hours. The doc asked me how I'd been doing on the tablets and I said that I'd noticed the physical aspects of the anxiety had definitely lessened - I told her that I loved them! That in the month I had been on them I had noticed a real physical difference and that I could feel the stress levels just bubbling instead of boiling, but that my friends and family had mentioned more of an "emotional" difference in me. I grinned at that and doc said that they do usually take some time to work and that it was good I'd noticed a difference already. I really like this doctor - she is the first one that really listened to me and I've been seeing her since when I first went down there about being sick. She also made sure I was exercising still and making an effort with reducing stress in other aspects of my life. She's good - I really like her.

So back to mother and the nice thing!! I spoke to her on the phone today to let her know I'd been back to the doctor today and I repeated what I'd said about friends and family noticing a difference over the last month - she laughed and emphatically agreed! I asked her to explain what she meant and she found it really difficult to put into words but that what she was trying to say was that her daughter was back.

I was really touched by that. It put a smile on my face :-)

The most comfortable knickers in the world!!!

LOL I just can't stop raving about the knickers I bought from M&S yesterday! I showed my mum today (the knickers, not me wearing them!) and have texted several girlfriends to tell them to get down there and buy some!!! I tried putting the link here but it wouldn't work as it's cached in a shopping cart, but go to www.marksandspencer.com and search product code " T618732C" - they are called "No VPL Low Rise Shorts". The fact that they happen to be no VPL (visible pantie line to the uninitiated!) is just a bonus but seriously, the boy shorts are very flattering to anybody's figure and I got them in black so they still look sexy ... but it's the comfort factor! They are soooooooo comfy!

Did I say it enough yet?? Girls, go buy these knickers! I didn't even try them on in the shop - went for the size I know I would normally wear and they fitted perfectly, PLUS they are on 4 for a tenner at the moment!!

Buy some! You won't be disappointed!!!!

Crikey where did the last 3 days go????

Well work has been pretty frantic to say the least! I honestly can't believe where the last few days have gone and it's Saturday evening already! Ohhh yeah, I've been working, working and working some more! LOL

I went into work for a bit today to do a little bit of catch up and I found myself getting worried about the order levels ... as in I don't have many current orders in... I could feel my stress starting to rise until I reminded myself that I've actually been fairly on top of orders recently so things are being poured, packed and going out quickly ... which is exactly WHY there aren't many current orders!!

I don't have enough hours in the day to get everything done, but I am finding myself starting to worry again about what I still need to do AND the fact that I don't have enough to do! Yeah, figure THAT one out!!! It isn't as if I am behind on orders at all, (aside from one but that's in hand) yet I still find the panic rising as I stand there and look at the few current orders that are in at the moment. It's the middle of November - people should be starting to buy for Christmas by now. I should have MORE orders, that's the problem!!! I'm up on where I was this time last year, but waaaay down on where I was a couple of years ago and that makes me depressed.

I also worry about the fact that I can either afford to make a payment towards my rent (that I am behind on) or order wax. If I don't order wax I won't be able to fill orders, so this week the priority has to be on wax.

I did however siphon off (I just learned how to actually spell siphon and I PRIDE myself on my spelling & grammar!) some cash to buy myself a pretty new bra and matching thong this afternoon! Megan needed a new dressing gown so I took her up to M&S, and after we were done shopping for her, I found myself in the lingerie department! I love that store because they are one of the only places locally where you can buy a pretty F cup bra off the shelf and trained fitters to help you out!! I also picked myself up a couple of pairs of black french knickers and some plain black "no VPL" boyshorts. 4 pairs for a tenner - couldn't resist THAT one!!!

OK more happy stuff, I love the fact that the workshop is clean and tidy! I really wish I'd done it months ago! It was this time last week I started on the mass clean up and a week later I've stayed on top of it and it's still all clean and tidy! It's so nice to walk in there and not have to sigh because the place is an absolute sh*t tip! Candlemaking IS messy work - FACT, so it will never be spotless and "Dee-Clean" but it's looking good!!

Wasted days and more stress

I've been trying not to let on how stressed I have been feeling under the surface, but the last few days have actually been quite tough.

I went into work on Monday morning and had forgotten how clean the place was, so that was a nice surprise at least, but a candlemaker with no wax can't make many candles!! I loaded up the vats with what was left and as I'd already cleaned up and boxed up everything else, I went home at midday! My wax delivery was due that afternoon, but I hadn't fancied hanging around scratching my bum as I waited for it!! I knew the driver would leave it outside the door and that would be fine!

Yesterday Nathan had an occupational therapy appointment at 10.45 which was an awful time!! I dropped him at school at 9, had time to head into work to check email, make a couple of calls and bring in the wax delivery before I had to leave to take him to the appointment!! By the time he was back at school it was 12.15, and as it takes an hour at least for my wax to heat up to a useable temperature, it wasn't worth me going back to work!!

I told myself yesterday was only a wasted day if I let it be wasted, so I had a quick tidy up at home and did some work on the website, but I feel so far behind now. I have to go in this morning already a few days behind where my delivery was late (it should have arrived Friday but the supplier was running behind too!) and it's not good for my stress levels.

I've been managing to keep it in check though and I've kind of kept it to myself because there hasn't been anything that I or anyone else can do about it!! I have B in at work tomorrow & Fri mornings, so I should be hopefully caught up by the end of this weekend.

The appointment Nathan had was to help with manual dexterity, holding pens, scissors & cutlery properly, helping him with letter forming etc. He can write and read very well but he tends to "draw" his letters rather than writing him, so he's getting help and support with that. I'm really chuffed that he's getting the help he needs. Pushy parents rule!! If I hadn't constantly hassled the doctors for Nathan's initial diagnosis, and then kept phoning and phoning to try and get him bumped up the waiting list ... ugh I dread to think where we'd be! He seems to be a really happy and well adjusted little boy at the moment though, so that's great!

Can't believe it's Wednesday already!!!

Not just clean, but "Dee Clean!"

Well okay maybe it's not quite "Dee Clean" standard, but the workshop is looking mighty clean and tidy after my weekend spent in there clearing up! I'd been expecting a wax delivery Friday afternoon that didn't show up so that will arrive Monday, but I hadn't wanted to waste the weekend. I am pretty much out of wax so I made a conscious decision to go in there Saturday and Sunday for most of the day and have a damned good clear up!!

I don't have a vacuum up there so I had to sweep the main floor and it's really cheap naff horrible carpet that is a beast to sweep and it took forever. I did a couple of dump runs too, so I definitely got a good arm workout this weekend!

I laugh at myself when I start tackling a big project like that because it's always the same. I start tidying up and it then goes through a period of looking worse than it did before I started while I stand there and think why the **** did I ever start this!! Then when it's all clean and shiny I stand there and feel smug! The main packing area is all re-organised with packing stations set up ready for the Christmas rush. I've made separate areas for different types of orders and re-arranged the stock room!

It's almost a shame to go to work on Monday and mess it all up with wax again!

Other than that a pretty mundane weekend with nothing much to report!!

Friday Five - 9th November 2007

This weeks Friday Five is all about suspense ....

What’s something that’s hanging from your ceiling? - I have a ton of wind chimes and mobiles hanging from the ceiling. I love the sound they make in the breeze ... aaah!

What’s something that’s hanging on your wall? - Photographs and lots of them!

What’s something that’s hanging in your closet? - Other than clothes? LOL I have a very boring wardrobe. Clothes hanging up and shoes on the floor. I do have some hooks screwed in at the sides of the wardrobe where I hang my various different bags if that counts? Haha!

What’s hanging from your rear-view mirror? - I have a lil scented bunny rabbit hanging from my mirror :-)

What have you been hanging onto for too long? - I am a hoarder by nature and I hate to throw things away, especially if they just might be useful again for something one day eventually .... LOL

If things don't change they stay the same!

I've had a manic couple of days so not much time to blog, but here's a very quick update and rundown!!

Dairy-Free - I'll admit I've "cheated" since I started this 3 weeks ago because there have been times where it's been absolutely impossible to avoid dairy products! There have also been times where I've caved and had a pizza or nachos (smothered in cheese!) but what that has done is shown that I DO tend to be MORE nauseous and throw up on days where I have eaten dairy, and especially cheese .... soooo I do think I have a dairy "intolerance" but it won't stop me from eating it - it's just more of an awareness. Yesterday was a totally dairy free day and I am absolutely fine this morning!

Stress Levels - I can happily report that they are lower! It's probably a combination of everything that I am doing at the moment plus the pills, but whatever it is, it seems to be working. I am also trying very hard to change my way of thinking so that instead of approaching something with a negative attitude, I am slapping myself upside the head and trying to be positive.

Weight - I haven't been "trying" to lose weight and haven't been on any diets (aside from the crappy dairy free thing recently), but it's just been a very welcome side effect from stress and I have lost almost two stone in the last year or so. I actually weigh less now than I have done in a long time, and for the first time in a long time, I can look in the mirror and actually not be completely repelled by what I see. I'm not even sure that it's just down to the weight loss .... I think my self esteem is finally building - slowly but surely! I feel positive and happy with my figure, knowing that I actually really do look good, and that makes me feel better.

The urge to strangle someone

I've read somewhere that stress is the body's attempt at overiding that strong inner urge to strangle someone who so richly deserves it.... or words to that effect anyway! I can well believe it! After my 'Supermarket Melt-down' a few weeks ago ... I was truly ready to strangle the living shit outta someone - anyone! :=) but thankfully things seem to be much better now.

The tablets are definitely taking the edge off of the physical symptoms of anxiety and making things more "cope-with-able" and having the rest of the household make more of an effort to clean up after themselves just lifts my spirits when I walk through the door after work and am not faced with a mountain of housework!!

Despite the fact that the last couple of days have flown by, I can't believe it's still only Wednesday! I had to work harder and longer yesterday and today to make up for my decadent afternoon on Monday *grin* but it was worth it! Roll on the weekend :-)

Grinning like a Cheshire Cat :-)

I've had an absolutely brilliant day today! From start to finish it all just went like clockwork with a few very nice very unexpected surprises too! I checked email and found a ton of orders had come in over the weekend. Very nice! Also, one of my wholesale customers who buys my hurricane candles faster than I can make them had sent me an email letting me know she needed more and would call me to make the order..... sooooooo instead of waiting around for a call, I picked up the phone and called her! 10 mins on the phone and a £260 order later ... I had a very big grin on my face!

I then had a friend unexpectedly drop in at the workshop for a quick chat just as I was finishing up, and my afternoon was blissfully wonderful!

It's all good :-) God I love a good day!!!

Work stuff & general update

Okay well in the few days since I've blogged (not counting the fact that this is actually my 3rd post today!) things have calmed down a LOT.

Home seems to be more stress free and I'm honestly not sure if it's just because I am more aware of things that stress me out now and I am trying to avoid or eliminate them ... or whether it's the happy pills chilling me out, or if it's because hub and the kids are all making more of an effort not to piss me off so much!

It's probably a combination of all of the above!

Work is also kind of up to date. Friday was a really manic busy morning! B was in and between us we cracked out ALL of the orders that needed to be packaged and boxed up by the time her shift was over, then I spent the rest of Friday afternoon feeling like complete crap! I was cold, shivery and tired and just felt bllleeeueuuuuugghhhh .... you know the feeling! Saturday I wasn't feeling much better and by 9.30pm Saturday evening I was tucked up in bed!!

Bit of a lazy day today too - got up at 9.30am after a gorgeous 12 hours sleep and worked on the website. I should have gone into the workshop, but it's been time well spent today!

So yeah, after the meltdown in Sainsburys a couple of weeks ago it's all been relatively calm. I do think the tablets are definitely working now as my friends have commented that I don't seem to be as harrassed and strung out as "normal" ... so that's a good thing!

I just wish they didn't make me so TIRED! I think last night was the best nights sleep that I've had in a long time and I feel a lot better for it.

Witches & Ninja ghosts - must be Halloween!!!

Ok so I am posting this a lil late but I've had a stress free weekend (more about that earlier!) This year I gave in when they asked if they could go trick or treating. I've always said no in the past as I feel A) it's an American tradition that others have pinched and not necessarily a British one, and B) I disagree with hassling people in their own homes!

This year I knocked on the neighbours doors in advance and asked them if it would be okay if my children and some of the others from the road could knock on their door on Halloween afternoon after school (timed so it wouldn't be dark and scare the elderly residents of our road!). I offered to give them the them sweets so it wouldn't cost them anything and told them what time (ish) we would be calling. There was actually only one neighbour that said no and he said that was only because he wouldn't be there.

The kids had a brilliant time and really enjoyed dressing up as well as all of the chocolate and candy that they scored! I was grateful to our neighbours for playing along too :-)

Who are you and what have you done with my mother????

... were the words uttered by my 9 year old daughter while we were standing in the middle of Brantano (shoe shop) earlier today! She had needed a new pair of school shoes and there was a buy one get one half price sale. You didn't need to tell me twice ... I was off to the ladies size 7 shoes and you know what? Nothing! Absolutely nothing was calling out "Buy me, BUY ME" in the way that shoes normally do and I was really disappointed. There were lots of sandals and party heels but nothing dissimilar to what I already own, and the only pair I actually fancied the look of were £40 .... and I didn't like them that much that I could justify spending £40 JUST to get a £10 pair of shoes for Megan half price!!

She had me in hysterics .... "Who are you and what have you done with my mother?" with a funny put on "evil" look on her face! She KNOWS me! I asked her why she said that and she said "because it's you! Because you love shoes and we are in a shoe shop and you aren't buying shoes!"

She knows me so well! We bought her a pair of slipper socks half price instead :-)

A good day!

I was too knackered to blog by the end of the day yesterday but I had a pretty good day! My internet connection at work had been down since the weekend and it was finally all back up and running properly again yesterday. I also managed to get through quite a few orders and feel all smug and happy with myself!

I went training last night and had a fantastic session. I didn't have a partner so I paired up with W (Sensei) and oh boy did she give me a work out and a serious run for my money. I learned SO much from her and came out of there feeling all smug and happy with myself too.

I think yesterday was the first day in a few weeks that I managed to control my anxiety - of course it helped that it was just a good day all round! Anyway, tons to do at work today so best get started and hope that today is just as good!!

Getting there ....

I didn't get a chance to blog at all over the weekend because I was busy ... BUT you will be glad to hear (LOL all 3 of you that may actually read this!) that I was busy being de-stressed!! True to my word I took the whole entire day off on Friday and I was in bed by 9.30pm. I then spent the whole day on Saturday in the workshop as hub was at home with the children so it was "un-pressured" time and I got a metric fuckload done!!

Saturday evening I had an early bath and then sat down to finish the Winter catalogue. Yep it's done and JUST in time! Took my book to bed and read for a little bit (ie relaxed!) before falling asleep. I then had another unpressured day on Sunday in the workshop.

I guess I didn't get as much done as I would have liked to ... but considering I'll never achieve that (must stop expecting so much of myself!!) I'm happy with what I did.

Got B coming in to help with packing at work for an hour or so this morning and tomorrow - it's all going to help! Meanwhile it's 8.20 on Monday morning, kids are ready for first day back at school after half term and I have everything I need ready to take to work. Job well done!!

Still feeling anxious, nervous, worried, panicky etc and I was sick this morning. Hmmmm thoughts on that later.

OMG and all before 10am! I need the day off!

This morning has been pretty stressful and it was meant to actually be an EASY day for me!! Megan has a “Brownie Day” 10am-7pm and I’d booked Nathan onto a football day 10am-3pm with the group he practices with after school. BOTH of them occupied doing activities that they really enjoy (and deserve after being cooped up all half term!) They will have fun PLUS exercise their minds AND bodies. All ticks in the good mother box! It was also supposed to mean that I could get to the workshop and get some REAL work done without them being there on the last day of their half term.

Unfortunately getting out of the house wasn’t so much fun!

Last night I had popped over to see a friend very quickly after dinner, and when I got back I made sure that Megan had everything she needed for her Brownie day including several costume changes for a fashion show, washed & dried the things she wanted that were still in the laundry and made a list of what they both wanted for their packed lunches in the morning. Organised was not the word!!!

Hub went out to walk the dog not long after I got back and I asked him to pop to the shop and buy some bits and pieces that we needed while I finished talking to Megan about her brownie things, but he decided he was walking the dog over the road and not going near the shop. Great for him but didn’t really help me! Sooo this morning when I got up, I had to get them dressed, feed them breakfast, hurry down to the shop, make three packed meals (Megan needed a lunch and tea), finalise everything they needed, make ABSOLUTELY SURE that Nathan had been to the toilet and ugh it was just stressful!! Although Nathan did go to the toilet (the essential end!), I discovered that he’d managed to pee over his trousers earlier (he insists on trying to aim without using his hands!! Apparently it's a 'boy' thing and not just small boys either) so I had to get him changed at the last minute! Thankfully I’d done the laundry for Megan’s things last night and had thrown a ton of Nathan’s pants and trousers in!

It just didn’t help things along. On top of that I felt nauseous as soon as I woke up but wasn’t actually sick. I’m supposed to be trying to de-stress here – I was stressed and feeling anxious, worried and feelings of panic that I wouldn’t get it all done before I even started MY day!!

Then I have to be in two places at 10am! I bundle them both in the car with their assorted bags, changes of clothes, food and drink. I took Megan up 10 minutes early in the hope that I could drop her off early if there was someone there. We get there and find out that she is supposed to be in Brownie uniform. GRRRRRRRRR! LOL I told her not to worry and that I would bring it up. Meanwhile I whizz over to drop Nathan at football, making sure to tell them that they have to remind him to go to the toilet etc (they know him very well anyway) and find out that there is a presentation ceremony that starts at 2.30pm so I will have to leave work earlier than planned. THEN go all the way back home to dig Megan’s brownie uniform out of whichever drawers she stuffed it all in (Megan’s clothes stuffing in drawers is another story!!)

So anyway I get back up to Brownies with her clothes and find that I am not the only one who didn’t realise they had to be in uniform (it wasn’t on the letter!!!) one woman was standing there looking so stressed and harassed because she actually lived 20 mins away (35 mins at least with traffic at that time of day!) I said to her that it seemed silly her taking over an hour and stressing herself out when we could help. It was one of Megan’s friends too, so I said to Megan right, you wear your brownie jumper and your friend can wear your t-shirt then we’re all sorted and her Mum doesn’t have to go all the way back home again!! The girls were happy and this poor woman had such a look of relief on her face! I just wanted to try to help someone else to avoid that state of AARRGGHH that I had been in earlier! I told her not to worry about the t-shirt, that we’d sort it out at the end of the day, or that she could give it back to Megan when she sees her at school – no problem!

So by this point it’s nearly 10.30am. I figured that by the time I get to work and actually get the vats heated up to do anything, I would only end up with a couple of hours worth of REAL work and with all the stress I’d have to go through to get those two hours? Are they worth it? Plus it’s Friday, so anything I send out today on a 48hr dispatch wouldn’t get delivered until Tuesday! I’ve already planned to go into work over the weekend and I can be there as long as I want as hub is around …. So I figured I may as well take the day OFF today … have a bath, relax, make some cards and maybe do a bit more work on the catalogue … have a ME day! I am the only one in the house until after 3pm and I am going to take advantage of it!!!!!!!!!

I’ve tidied up a bit, made a coffee, I’ve got a smoke and the house is QUIET apart from the hum of the fish tank. Bliss.

Child labour :-) and worth every penny!!

Its always really hard for Megan & Nathan when they have to spend their half term holiday in the workshop with me because they get bored and start fighting ... so today I put them to work! Admittedly I bribed them with a trip to the park and some sweets, but I gotta say those two worked HARD this morning!! I had so many votives to wick and the two of them sat there and got through the lot of them! It saved me so much time, AND it's another thing to cross off my "to-do" list! Wahoooo! Unfortunately I still had to leave early because Nathan had a bit of a toilet accident. I think he was so intent on helping me wick the votives, it was only when I smelled him that I realised.

Poor thing - I actually think it was an upset stomach because I sent him off to sort himself out and he came back stark nekkid (covered in poop!) except for his shoes (new trainers) and in a real quivery voice said "Mummy I think I got pooh on my shoes" Oh how I could have got stressy and angry with that! I handled it well - tick in the good mother box!! Bless him, and he was so embarrassed as well. Thankfully I was wearing a zip up fleece over my t-shirt so after cleaning him up I was able to give him that to wear while I finished off! He has hardly eaten anything today either - very unusual for Nathan.

I haven't slept properly since I've been back on the tablets ... I seem to be waking up every half an hour or so but Insomnia is one of the side effects that I just have to live with for a few days until it all settles down. I had really vivid dreams when I was on them before too but so far I don't think I've been asleep long enough to actually dream anything!! Weird thing is that considering I have probably had the sum total of about 4hrs sleep I'm not actually tired ... and actually pretty wired and motivated!!

Procrastinating less ......

I didn’t get a chance to journal an entry yesterday as I was in quite a productive mood and I just got on with things for work!! Hub was working from home so he was able to watch the kids (half term) which meant I got a ton of candles poured and had time to tidy up the packing area!! In an attempt to procrastinate less and thereby reduce my stress, I made a BIG list of everything I need to do and I have actually worked my way through most of it!

I definitely find that making lists really works for me. I have a small notebook that I keep in my bag so I don’t have to worry about forgetting anything, and this major to do list actually spanned three pages! It was a little daunting looking at it to begin with, but once I started working through it and crossing things off, it became really satisfying!!!

Still on my to do list … stupidly I hadn’t even STARTED my Christmas catalogue for candle parties and I have my next one booked in just over a week! Needless to say that was my main mission last night and if I keep at it for the rest of the day and work on it after dinner, I SHOULD have it finished to print off by tomorrow. I still need to do a mass stock take at work and order in extra Christmas fragrance oils, plus re-vamp the website main page, decide what special offers to run in November and send out an e-newsletter! Oh and I need to do more trips to the dump to clear out the rubbish from the workshop!

So yes, I still have a lot to do but I am working on it instead of procrastinating about it – this is a good thing … and I am trying not to stress over it!!

Oh on the downside I was sick this morning. I'm not sure what that means but I'm sticking with the dairy free for the next couple of weeks and we'll see what happens.

If things don't change, they stay the same.

For the fourth day in a row I’ve not been sick so this is a very good thing! I had to take the children into work with me as they are on half term but it was absolutely useless and I was getting nothing done – it was making me more stressed than giving up and just going back later tonight after hub gets home from work.

I also went back to the doctor today. I told her everything that happened with my meltdown as well as some of the stressors in my home life and at work and she really listened. It made a lot of sense with the being sick starting around March time and my stress has been a lot worse since then and the dairy intolerance/sickness/lethargy being brought on by stress.

I also talked to her about the things I am going to try to do to consciously reduce some of the stressors in my life with the eating better, making sure I take more time for myself and delegating more. She said it’s all good stuff.

She also thinks I am not depressed, but that it is more anxiety, low self-esteem and being way too hard on myself when I don’t achieve perfection. Has this doctor got a secret hidden camera somewhere? Talk about bang the nail right on the head! She asked me how I would treat it if I could pick my own treatment and I said probably going back on my happy pills but that I thought I could also benefit from some counseling.

She looked at the prescription for anti-depressants that I was given before and said that they are the best thing for me right now as they are more for anxiety than full blown depression, but she has increased the dose. She also said I don’t have to take them if I don’t want to but she recommends that I do (I will) as they should just help to take the edge off the anxiety and panic.

She has also referred me to their own “in-house” counsellor who specialises in Cognitive Behaviour Therapy … which is trying to change your thoughts and perceptions in order to change your feelings and behaviour. I’m all for it. She’s given me a list of websites to look at and when I mentioned NLP that I’d been looking into (I’ll save the detail of that for another post!) she said that was the perfect sort of thing. There's quite a wait for the counselling but it's completely free.

So I have the entire afternoon now until hub gets home from work when I'll go in and catch up on what I didn't get done this morning. I’m going to clean the house then maybe take the kids to the park and read my book!!

Ways I am trying to reduce my stress

I’ve had a fairly relaxed day today. I was in bed early last night and slept in this morning, plus I haven’t been sick for 3 days. It’s good in a way because obviously I’m not being sick, but it’s bad because it is currently looking like it IS the food intolerance. Only time will tell!!

I’ve done a lot of research into stress causes, symptoms, effects etc and I am starting to make plans to try to reduce my stress levels to avoid anything like that ever happening again. Certain things can’t be avoided but I can try to learn coping mechanisms to deal with them better.

Here is my current plan!

# Eat better.
I’ve never really been one for breakfast but I have some non-dairy yoghurts in the fridge and there is plenty of fruit in the bowl so I am going to try to make sure I eat something in the mornings even if it is just a yoghurt & banana, and take at least *something* to work with me to keep me going during the day. This should help increase my energy levels so I am not flagging by mid afternoon and less prone to get snippy and irritated from tiredness! It'll only be good for my general health and well being anyway!!

# Delegate more at home.
My stress levels are lower when the house is clean and tidy and I can’t sit and relax in a house that is a pigsty. I know this and the entire household knows this, which is why I work so hard to try to keep the place reasonably tidy. I’m quite happy to do the majority of the housework because in a weird twisted way I do enjoy it, as long as the rest of them just pick up after themselves and hub gives me more help. This will give me more time during my day to do things other than cleaning and stressing about the state of the place!

# Get some help at work.
The business can’t quite afford it yet, but in the run up to Christmas there is no way I can do it all by myself without suffering from complete burnout. I think I need to get someone in at least 8 hours a week to help with the work load that will just increase more and more as we get closer to Christmas.

# Relax more.
I’m not really sure quite how I plan on doing this, but I do want to try to pamper myself a bit more. Maybe once a month I should treat myself to a neck & shoulder massage, as that won’t cost the earth, or get a facial or a pedicure … or something! I’m a classic “type A” personality at the moment and that isn’t healthy. I need to relax more. I’m going to buy some essential oils and use aromatherapy in my bedroom in the evenings and try to get “me-time” for privacy and quiet every day, even if it is only half an hour with my book upstairs before bed or a bath at night. Maybe also take one day a week where I finish work early and visit a friend for a couple of hours.

# Procrastinate less.
If I need to do it tomorrow, I should do it today. If it needs doing today I should do it right now. I make lists of things to do every day and will be starting to prioritise more.

# Compromise more.
The world wont fall apart if the house isn’t spotless and some things simply aren’t worth doing “perfectly” – that was very hard to say!! We live in an imperfect world and some things I simply need to compromise on and try not to get so wound up about.

# Hobbies.
I need to spend more time doing things that give me pleasure (no dirty sniggers please!!) I haven't had the ooomph to make any cards or scrapbook for ages and my photography has gone by the wayside. I need to do more of these things. My mum bought me a new christmas rubber stamp today in an effort to get me off my ass and start making Christmas cards :-) She knows me so well!

# Go back to the doctor.
I think it's a given that I need to talk to somebody about what happened on Saturday and I'll probably be given a lecture for stopping taking the anti-depressants that I was prescribed before. In my defence I took them for several weeks and there was no real noticeable difference and I just kinda forgot to take them anymore. I'll probably be prescribed more ADs but that's something I am happy to accept. If taking some tablets can help to sort out the chemical imbalance shit in my head while I work on the other stuff, then I'm all for that.

I’m sure there is more, but that’s certainly a start.