A good day!

I was too knackered to blog by the end of the day yesterday but I had a pretty good day! My internet connection at work had been down since the weekend and it was finally all back up and running properly again yesterday. I also managed to get through quite a few orders and feel all smug and happy with myself!

I went training last night and had a fantastic session. I didn't have a partner so I paired up with W (Sensei) and oh boy did she give me a work out and a serious run for my money. I learned SO much from her and came out of there feeling all smug and happy with myself too.

I think yesterday was the first day in a few weeks that I managed to control my anxiety - of course it helped that it was just a good day all round! Anyway, tons to do at work today so best get started and hope that today is just as good!!

Getting there ....

I didn't get a chance to blog at all over the weekend because I was busy ... BUT you will be glad to hear (LOL all 3 of you that may actually read this!) that I was busy being de-stressed!! True to my word I took the whole entire day off on Friday and I was in bed by 9.30pm. I then spent the whole day on Saturday in the workshop as hub was at home with the children so it was "un-pressured" time and I got a metric fuckload done!!

Saturday evening I had an early bath and then sat down to finish the Winter catalogue. Yep it's done and JUST in time! Took my book to bed and read for a little bit (ie relaxed!) before falling asleep. I then had another unpressured day on Sunday in the workshop.

I guess I didn't get as much done as I would have liked to ... but considering I'll never achieve that (must stop expecting so much of myself!!) I'm happy with what I did.

Got B coming in to help with packing at work for an hour or so this morning and tomorrow - it's all going to help! Meanwhile it's 8.20 on Monday morning, kids are ready for first day back at school after half term and I have everything I need ready to take to work. Job well done!!

Still feeling anxious, nervous, worried, panicky etc and I was sick this morning. Hmmmm thoughts on that later.

OMG and all before 10am! I need the day off!

This morning has been pretty stressful and it was meant to actually be an EASY day for me!! Megan has a “Brownie Day” 10am-7pm and I’d booked Nathan onto a football day 10am-3pm with the group he practices with after school. BOTH of them occupied doing activities that they really enjoy (and deserve after being cooped up all half term!) They will have fun PLUS exercise their minds AND bodies. All ticks in the good mother box! It was also supposed to mean that I could get to the workshop and get some REAL work done without them being there on the last day of their half term.

Unfortunately getting out of the house wasn’t so much fun!

Last night I had popped over to see a friend very quickly after dinner, and when I got back I made sure that Megan had everything she needed for her Brownie day including several costume changes for a fashion show, washed & dried the things she wanted that were still in the laundry and made a list of what they both wanted for their packed lunches in the morning. Organised was not the word!!!

Hub went out to walk the dog not long after I got back and I asked him to pop to the shop and buy some bits and pieces that we needed while I finished talking to Megan about her brownie things, but he decided he was walking the dog over the road and not going near the shop. Great for him but didn’t really help me! Sooo this morning when I got up, I had to get them dressed, feed them breakfast, hurry down to the shop, make three packed meals (Megan needed a lunch and tea), finalise everything they needed, make ABSOLUTELY SURE that Nathan had been to the toilet and ugh it was just stressful!! Although Nathan did go to the toilet (the essential end!), I discovered that he’d managed to pee over his trousers earlier (he insists on trying to aim without using his hands!! Apparently it's a 'boy' thing and not just small boys either) so I had to get him changed at the last minute! Thankfully I’d done the laundry for Megan’s things last night and had thrown a ton of Nathan’s pants and trousers in!

It just didn’t help things along. On top of that I felt nauseous as soon as I woke up but wasn’t actually sick. I’m supposed to be trying to de-stress here – I was stressed and feeling anxious, worried and feelings of panic that I wouldn’t get it all done before I even started MY day!!

Then I have to be in two places at 10am! I bundle them both in the car with their assorted bags, changes of clothes, food and drink. I took Megan up 10 minutes early in the hope that I could drop her off early if there was someone there. We get there and find out that she is supposed to be in Brownie uniform. GRRRRRRRRR! LOL I told her not to worry and that I would bring it up. Meanwhile I whizz over to drop Nathan at football, making sure to tell them that they have to remind him to go to the toilet etc (they know him very well anyway) and find out that there is a presentation ceremony that starts at 2.30pm so I will have to leave work earlier than planned. THEN go all the way back home to dig Megan’s brownie uniform out of whichever drawers she stuffed it all in (Megan’s clothes stuffing in drawers is another story!!)

So anyway I get back up to Brownies with her clothes and find that I am not the only one who didn’t realise they had to be in uniform (it wasn’t on the letter!!!) one woman was standing there looking so stressed and harassed because she actually lived 20 mins away (35 mins at least with traffic at that time of day!) I said to her that it seemed silly her taking over an hour and stressing herself out when we could help. It was one of Megan’s friends too, so I said to Megan right, you wear your brownie jumper and your friend can wear your t-shirt then we’re all sorted and her Mum doesn’t have to go all the way back home again!! The girls were happy and this poor woman had such a look of relief on her face! I just wanted to try to help someone else to avoid that state of AARRGGHH that I had been in earlier! I told her not to worry about the t-shirt, that we’d sort it out at the end of the day, or that she could give it back to Megan when she sees her at school – no problem!

So by this point it’s nearly 10.30am. I figured that by the time I get to work and actually get the vats heated up to do anything, I would only end up with a couple of hours worth of REAL work and with all the stress I’d have to go through to get those two hours? Are they worth it? Plus it’s Friday, so anything I send out today on a 48hr dispatch wouldn’t get delivered until Tuesday! I’ve already planned to go into work over the weekend and I can be there as long as I want as hub is around …. So I figured I may as well take the day OFF today … have a bath, relax, make some cards and maybe do a bit more work on the catalogue … have a ME day! I am the only one in the house until after 3pm and I am going to take advantage of it!!!!!!!!!

I’ve tidied up a bit, made a coffee, I’ve got a smoke and the house is QUIET apart from the hum of the fish tank. Bliss.

Child labour :-) and worth every penny!!

Its always really hard for Megan & Nathan when they have to spend their half term holiday in the workshop with me because they get bored and start fighting ... so today I put them to work! Admittedly I bribed them with a trip to the park and some sweets, but I gotta say those two worked HARD this morning!! I had so many votives to wick and the two of them sat there and got through the lot of them! It saved me so much time, AND it's another thing to cross off my "to-do" list! Wahoooo! Unfortunately I still had to leave early because Nathan had a bit of a toilet accident. I think he was so intent on helping me wick the votives, it was only when I smelled him that I realised.

Poor thing - I actually think it was an upset stomach because I sent him off to sort himself out and he came back stark nekkid (covered in poop!) except for his shoes (new trainers) and in a real quivery voice said "Mummy I think I got pooh on my shoes" Oh how I could have got stressy and angry with that! I handled it well - tick in the good mother box!! Bless him, and he was so embarrassed as well. Thankfully I was wearing a zip up fleece over my t-shirt so after cleaning him up I was able to give him that to wear while I finished off! He has hardly eaten anything today either - very unusual for Nathan.

I haven't slept properly since I've been back on the tablets ... I seem to be waking up every half an hour or so but Insomnia is one of the side effects that I just have to live with for a few days until it all settles down. I had really vivid dreams when I was on them before too but so far I don't think I've been asleep long enough to actually dream anything!! Weird thing is that considering I have probably had the sum total of about 4hrs sleep I'm not actually tired ... and actually pretty wired and motivated!!

Procrastinating less ......

I didn’t get a chance to journal an entry yesterday as I was in quite a productive mood and I just got on with things for work!! Hub was working from home so he was able to watch the kids (half term) which meant I got a ton of candles poured and had time to tidy up the packing area!! In an attempt to procrastinate less and thereby reduce my stress, I made a BIG list of everything I need to do and I have actually worked my way through most of it!

I definitely find that making lists really works for me. I have a small notebook that I keep in my bag so I don’t have to worry about forgetting anything, and this major to do list actually spanned three pages! It was a little daunting looking at it to begin with, but once I started working through it and crossing things off, it became really satisfying!!!

Still on my to do list … stupidly I hadn’t even STARTED my Christmas catalogue for candle parties and I have my next one booked in just over a week! Needless to say that was my main mission last night and if I keep at it for the rest of the day and work on it after dinner, I SHOULD have it finished to print off by tomorrow. I still need to do a mass stock take at work and order in extra Christmas fragrance oils, plus re-vamp the website main page, decide what special offers to run in November and send out an e-newsletter! Oh and I need to do more trips to the dump to clear out the rubbish from the workshop!

So yes, I still have a lot to do but I am working on it instead of procrastinating about it – this is a good thing … and I am trying not to stress over it!!

Oh on the downside I was sick this morning. I'm not sure what that means but I'm sticking with the dairy free for the next couple of weeks and we'll see what happens.

If things don't change, they stay the same.

For the fourth day in a row I’ve not been sick so this is a very good thing! I had to take the children into work with me as they are on half term but it was absolutely useless and I was getting nothing done – it was making me more stressed than giving up and just going back later tonight after hub gets home from work.

I also went back to the doctor today. I told her everything that happened with my meltdown as well as some of the stressors in my home life and at work and she really listened. It made a lot of sense with the being sick starting around March time and my stress has been a lot worse since then and the dairy intolerance/sickness/lethargy being brought on by stress.

I also talked to her about the things I am going to try to do to consciously reduce some of the stressors in my life with the eating better, making sure I take more time for myself and delegating more. She said it’s all good stuff.

She also thinks I am not depressed, but that it is more anxiety, low self-esteem and being way too hard on myself when I don’t achieve perfection. Has this doctor got a secret hidden camera somewhere? Talk about bang the nail right on the head! She asked me how I would treat it if I could pick my own treatment and I said probably going back on my happy pills but that I thought I could also benefit from some counseling.

She looked at the prescription for anti-depressants that I was given before and said that they are the best thing for me right now as they are more for anxiety than full blown depression, but she has increased the dose. She also said I don’t have to take them if I don’t want to but she recommends that I do (I will) as they should just help to take the edge off the anxiety and panic.

She has also referred me to their own “in-house” counsellor who specialises in Cognitive Behaviour Therapy … which is trying to change your thoughts and perceptions in order to change your feelings and behaviour. I’m all for it. She’s given me a list of websites to look at and when I mentioned NLP that I’d been looking into (I’ll save the detail of that for another post!) she said that was the perfect sort of thing. There's quite a wait for the counselling but it's completely free.

So I have the entire afternoon now until hub gets home from work when I'll go in and catch up on what I didn't get done this morning. I’m going to clean the house then maybe take the kids to the park and read my book!!

Ways I am trying to reduce my stress

I’ve had a fairly relaxed day today. I was in bed early last night and slept in this morning, plus I haven’t been sick for 3 days. It’s good in a way because obviously I’m not being sick, but it’s bad because it is currently looking like it IS the food intolerance. Only time will tell!!

I’ve done a lot of research into stress causes, symptoms, effects etc and I am starting to make plans to try to reduce my stress levels to avoid anything like that ever happening again. Certain things can’t be avoided but I can try to learn coping mechanisms to deal with them better.

Here is my current plan!

# Eat better.
I’ve never really been one for breakfast but I have some non-dairy yoghurts in the fridge and there is plenty of fruit in the bowl so I am going to try to make sure I eat something in the mornings even if it is just a yoghurt & banana, and take at least *something* to work with me to keep me going during the day. This should help increase my energy levels so I am not flagging by mid afternoon and less prone to get snippy and irritated from tiredness! It'll only be good for my general health and well being anyway!!

# Delegate more at home.
My stress levels are lower when the house is clean and tidy and I can’t sit and relax in a house that is a pigsty. I know this and the entire household knows this, which is why I work so hard to try to keep the place reasonably tidy. I’m quite happy to do the majority of the housework because in a weird twisted way I do enjoy it, as long as the rest of them just pick up after themselves and hub gives me more help. This will give me more time during my day to do things other than cleaning and stressing about the state of the place!

# Get some help at work.
The business can’t quite afford it yet, but in the run up to Christmas there is no way I can do it all by myself without suffering from complete burnout. I think I need to get someone in at least 8 hours a week to help with the work load that will just increase more and more as we get closer to Christmas.

# Relax more.
I’m not really sure quite how I plan on doing this, but I do want to try to pamper myself a bit more. Maybe once a month I should treat myself to a neck & shoulder massage, as that won’t cost the earth, or get a facial or a pedicure … or something! I’m a classic “type A” personality at the moment and that isn’t healthy. I need to relax more. I’m going to buy some essential oils and use aromatherapy in my bedroom in the evenings and try to get “me-time” for privacy and quiet every day, even if it is only half an hour with my book upstairs before bed or a bath at night. Maybe also take one day a week where I finish work early and visit a friend for a couple of hours.

# Procrastinate less.
If I need to do it tomorrow, I should do it today. If it needs doing today I should do it right now. I make lists of things to do every day and will be starting to prioritise more.

# Compromise more.
The world wont fall apart if the house isn’t spotless and some things simply aren’t worth doing “perfectly” – that was very hard to say!! We live in an imperfect world and some things I simply need to compromise on and try not to get so wound up about.

# Hobbies.
I need to spend more time doing things that give me pleasure (no dirty sniggers please!!) I haven't had the ooomph to make any cards or scrapbook for ages and my photography has gone by the wayside. I need to do more of these things. My mum bought me a new christmas rubber stamp today in an effort to get me off my ass and start making Christmas cards :-) She knows me so well!

# Go back to the doctor.
I think it's a given that I need to talk to somebody about what happened on Saturday and I'll probably be given a lecture for stopping taking the anti-depressants that I was prescribed before. In my defence I took them for several weeks and there was no real noticeable difference and I just kinda forgot to take them anymore. I'll probably be prescribed more ADs but that's something I am happy to accept. If taking some tablets can help to sort out the chemical imbalance shit in my head while I work on the other stuff, then I'm all for that.

I’m sure there is more, but that’s certainly a start.

My meltdown ....

So yesterday I had what is henceforth to be referred to as "The Sainsburys Meltdown." Put very simply I think my stress tolerance levels had reached a point where they were undeniably no longer tolerant!! I collapsed on the floor in the middle of the juice/fruit squash aisle in Sainsburys crying my eyes out. It all suddenly seemed to become just too much.

The worst bit for me was knowing that Megan was watching while it was happening, but there was nothing I could do about it at that point. She just stayed out of the way the whole time and then came over and hugged me while I was sat on the floor. I’ve talked to her about it since, and explained that it wasn’t anybody’s fault and that sometimes even grown ups get so stressed that they just need to stand there and scream! We had a good chat. The funny thing is that I think she really did understand. That girl never ceases to amaze me.

This will be a very long entry! Get comfy!

Right from the start the shopping trip yesterday was doomed. Firstly, shopping as a "family group" with two children is always stressful at the best of times, and secondly I had to shop for a completely dairy free diet for myself for at least the next two weeks, which means reading labels. A LOT of labels... resulting in the shopping trip taking MUCH longer than usual and the children getting bored and restless. The stupid thing is that it really all came down to being over a houseplant and a box of strawberry magic straws! Yes, really.

Why was it something so ridiculously absurd that finally sent me over the edge yesterday? Why couldn’t it have been a great big huge thing? Something to actually burst into tears about that makes more sense than a couple of grocery items? Isn’t it always the little things though … I mean when big stuff happens we manage to somehow carry on regardless, stiff upper lip, being strong for the rest of them etc … but then finally something has to give – something has to be the catalyst for that ultimate breakdown and it ends up being the silliest thing … which hopefully is what will make me able to laugh about it in the future.

At the entrance to the supermarket is a big display with houseplants and flowers. Nathan asked if he could have a plant for his room. I couldn’t think of any real reason why not, so I said okay… and then we began our slow mooch around the shop. I try to involve Nathan in the choosing of vegetables in an attempt to get him to eat them, so he spent about 5 minutes picking the perfect aubergine! Not a problem and on we go. Nathan starts being defiant, insisting he was the one to push the trolley – which only ever results into crashing into people or knocking things off the shelves, as he isn’t tall enough to see over the top properly. You have to kind of let him push yet guide the trolley at the same time and ignore him when he gets stroppy if you have even a little finger on it.

Stress levels beginning to bubble.

While I was scanning the back of a jar of something for milk allergy labels I could hear Nathan asking his dad for strawberry magic straws. He was told no because we already have some chocolate ones at home and then I could see Nathan starting on about how they were different etc (Nathan is very matter of fact and logical about things!) and he was again told no. Nathan starts to build up into tantrum mode because he wasn’t getting his own way … and what did my husband do? He said, “Oh okay then” and put them in the trolley. That just made my blood SERIOUSLY boil because although I hadn’t had a huge issue with Nathan having or not having the strawberry magic straws, what I DID have a bloody enormous issue with was the fact that hub gave in to Nathan. That’s just plain bad parenting because I do not – and as far as I was concerned “we” as a parental unit do not give in! I’m happy to compromise and make “deals” for things, but giving in after saying no … well that’s a big no no and it was the start of it really – I grabbed hub, pulled him to one side and probably was louder and more hostile than I needed to be in the grand scheme of things, but as I said above, I think the whole shopping trip was the catalyst in my stress levels.

I consciously decided to try to calm down and play the whole thing cool at that stage. I put the magic straws back on the shelf, knelt down to Nathan and told him very calmly and in a controlled yet firm manner (and I was even thinking at the time “Supernanny eat your heart out” because I was proud of how I was handling it!) that he could have the magic straws IF he behaved himself while we finished our shopping. I said IF he was good then we would come back and get them at the end but that if he didn’t behave then the plant would go back and there would be no magic straws and he would be grounded (no playstation, no Nintendo DS and no computer for the rest of the day). He started to throw a tantrum, but I simply repeated myself calmly yet firmly because as far as I was concerned this was a reasonable compromise on the fact that he’d originally been told he couldn’t have them and then hub gave in. This way the parents still retain control but the child gets what they want and everybody is happy.

BUT while I was in the middle of my second calm repeat to Nathan (who was by this point in full tantrum mode - wriggling, refusing to listen and trying to climb the shelf to get the box back), hub interrupts and calls me over to look at a frigging product label further down that aisle. Bear in mind that I was already sorting out a problem that he had caused in the first place, he then caused me another one because Nathan was up on the shelf by then to get the magic straws which resulted in me yelling at hub, throwing the box back on the shelf, taking the plant out of the trolley and then being slightly less calm in the way that I then spoke to my son!!

A woman walked past me, looked me up and down before meeting my eyes and telling me that they could hear me in the next aisle and that I really shouldn’t be speaking to a child that way.

In retrospect, writing all of this out I can SEE how it happened. I can remember it all clear as day and seeing it in black and white makes a lot of sense. I still didn’t lose it at that point and still thought I was ticking boxes for the good mother way to deal with this kind of behaviour in public… by Nathan OR by hub! Oh that woman pissed me off … beyond where I was already, but you know what? I could have been VERY nasty. I could have hit her – hard and probably had a good plea for insanity on a murder charge, but I swallowed it. Yes, I took it on the chin, and replied very matter of factly; “Yes well you aren’t actually helping then are you” and gave my very worst “fuck off and die” stare.

I think what pissed me off more than anything was the lack of back up that I got from hub. He was just kind of “there” in the background and didn’t give me any support when I was dealing with his magic straw mess, then he didn’t say anything to the woman who I think really finally tipped me over the edge… and oh I told him so with no holds barred. Then I walked off.

I didn’t walk far … just far enough to start crying harder than I have cried in a long time. I remember having a moment of clarity and thinking that I needed to finish the shopping because there were so many really good non dairy things in there that I’d found and if we walked off and abandoned the shopping trolley then we’d need to go back and start all over again and the prospect of that was worse than walking around and finishing the shopping with my mascara running down my cheeks!!!

As I walked back towards where hub and the children had been, I saw them walking towards me. I could feel it building and building and building inside me. I cant even describe now exactly how I was feeling at that precise point, and I don’t remember whether I said anything to hub or whether I said nothing. It’s all a bit blank for those few seconds, but I starter crying harder and just lost my footing. I didn’t faint or anything explainable like that, I just lost the ability to stand up and control myself.

A perfect stranger came over and knelt in front of me, rubbing my arms and telling me that it was okay! She must have seen the build up because she asked me if Nathan had any problems. I managed to stammer that he had ADHD and Aspergers and she smiled knowingly, telling me that she understood, that it was hard and sometimes we all reach breaking point. She told me I needed to give Nathan a hug because no matter what, he was going to need one from me and he would need to know that I was okay. She was fantastic. I don’t know who she was and ashamedly I probably wouldn’t even recognise her if I saw her again, but if I could have picked anybody to be there for me while I had a meltdown, then I don’t think I could have chosen anyone as absolutely perfect to “deal with me” as she was. She seemed to know what I needed to hear and said those exact words to me to make it all somehow okay that I was a quivering heap in the middle of a supermarket.

I managed to stand up and … then the rest kind of pales into insignificance really. The shopping was finished very quietly and then for the rest of the day I just wanted to sit down and do nothing. I stayed awake long enough to watch England lose the rugby, then went to bed.

Friday Five - 19th October 2007

I wasn't that happy with this week's friday five - it's all about collective names for things but hey I figured I'd give them a shot anyway!!

What would be a good collective name for your family, as in “A _____ of Joneses?” A Stray of Stapletons…. A mixed assortment!

What would be a good collective name for your closest group of friends? A bevy of bodacious babes!

What would be a good collective name for the stuff in your desk? Necessary junk.

What would be a good collective name for your neighbours? I don’t really know our neighbours that well other than to wave hello to. How about Friends I haven’t met yet.

What would be a good collective name for the people in your line of work, as in “A _____ of accountants?” A confetti of candlemakers…. i.e. creative and colourful!

No CHOCOLATE and no CHEESE?

I am officially a “Dairy Free Zone!” I had an appointment with the doctor today and she seems to agree with me that my throwing up could possibly be a food intolerance (dairy/lactose) as all of the other tests have been normal so far.

I also had nachos last night - lots and lots of cheese and I even remember thinking "let's see if I'm sick in the morning!" As soon as my eyes were open today I was retching. Not good. It WOULD explain why I don't feel sick every day too - some days I am totally fine, other days I am a little nauseous, sometimes I'm sick and then sometimes it's pretty violent full on up chuck. Sorry for the description!!!!

Soooo, for 2 weeks I need to avoid all dairy products completely to see if it makes a difference. IF I don’t feel sick over the next couple of weeks then I can gradually re-introduce dairy products and see what my reaction is to it the next day. This way I can work out my tolerance levels. If it IS dairy intolerance then I will probably still be okay with the odd bit of dairy as long as I try to avoid anything heavily cheesy or have to bear in mind that the following day I’ll be feeling sick. So for the next 2 weeks this girl is a vegan!

... who loves CHOCOLATE and can't eat any for two weeks!!

Meanwhile I am also being referred to a gastric specialist just to check out that my inside bits are all working as they should, so with that and the no more dairy we’ll see! Admittedly I finished off my Green & Blacks organic chocolate as soon as I got home from the doctor because there was no way THAT was being wasted, but that marked the start of the official “Dairy Free Zone.”

I’ve been a vegetarian since I was 12 years old – that’s twenty years but I had NEVER planned on being vegan!

If I am still being sick with the dairy free diet and the gastric stuff is normal, then the only explanation is that it is a very real physical manifestation of stress. I’m going to make a real concentrated effort to try to eliminate as many of my stressors as I can, and find ways to live with those that are unavoidable. Stress reduction - even just by a little can only be a good thing!! I’ll post about it here as I go as it will be an interesting journey.

No more ....

Chocolate
Cheese
Chocolate
Butter/spreads
Milk/Cream
Chocolate
Yoghurt
Chocolate
Chocolate
Ice cream
Chocolate Ice Cream

Did I also mention that I can't have any chocolate for TWO WEEKS?

What if the Wispa project collapses and Cadburys stop making them because I'm not buying up my fair share of the 23 million bars that are out there over the next 2 weeks? You guys had better go buy them on my behalf!

I did have a glass of wine and a smoke in a candlelit bubble bath tonight with the spa jets going ... relaxation attempt #1!!

Officially a Beaver scout (well, Nathan is!!)

Technically this was yesterday evening and not today but I have only just had a chance to download the photos :-)

For the last few weeks Nathan has been going to Beavers which is pre-cubs for boys and it's a part of the sea scout movement. Nathan absolutely loves going and last night he was properly "invested" and parents were invited ... armed with cameras of course! Unfortunately due to some mis-communication, we hadn't realised that it was THIS week he was being invested so he had to borrow a jumper, but it all worked out okay! I'll happily post pics of myself and my children on here but out of respect to "Seagull" I have blurred her face.

I could see from the look on his face that he was really pleased with himself as he clutched his official "investiture" certificate! Real proud mamma bear moment for me too because his behaviour was - well, to be honest it was just like the rest of the boys! It was good to see - it shows he really is settling down a lot more :-)

Still ill, stressed & the internet connection from ****

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Okay that's only MILDLY better.

What a day. Some days I wake up and just know it's going to be stressful. Today was another one of those days. It all went fairly smoothly with the kids this morning and getting out of the house wasn't a major problem, but as soon as I got to the workshop the phone kept ringing and it wasn't even with people placing orders! Nooo it's the "advertise with us, we're the best" calls that REALLY annoy me when I'm busier than a great big busy thing.

And then I realised that my internet connection was down. I run an INTERNET business. This means that for my business to work and run smoothly (well as smoothly as it can while I have no permanent staff!) then I need an internet connection! I spent almost an hour on the phone to BT Broadband helpdesk this morning because I couldn't access emails or even get a plain old browser window working.

Internet dead.

He did manage to get it all up and running again after some miraculous process with pushing buttons and unplugging/replugging leads in a certain order. It would be so much easier if they just give you this info with the equipment, but then they couldn't charge you premium rate phone calls to fix it down the line!!

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!! So finally I get my internet connection back and manage to get a few boxes packed up and the collections booked online before I had to leave to come home before picking the kids up. What a waste of a day.

Poorly ill & sick ... and a lil bit melancholic :-(

I didn't sleep well over the weekend so I think that was probably the start of it. I had one of those weird stress lumps in my throat and I've been so TIRED but just not able to sleep :-( I don't think I've put much about being sick in my blog so far, but around March time I started being sick in the mornings. It is definitely not morning sickness as it would have to be the immaculate conception *grin*

Anyway I started to notice that it was happening not every day, but most days. To be honest in the beginning I just got used to it as it seemed to be brought on by strong smells first thing in the morning like toast for the kids breakfast, or someone having a shower with the scent of the shampoo, or even coffee ... my beloved morning coffee had to stop because I couldn't smell it without throwing up let alone drink it.

Anyway after I realised it had been going on for 6 months and even the immaculate conception morning sickness wouldn't last for that long without at least showing a lil bump in front! My friends actually started saying to me "errr it's not really right to be throwing up like that!" So off to the doctor I went. I had blood tests, urine tests etc which all came back normal. I don't have diabetes, my liver and kidney functions are fine and there was no apparent obvious reason for it.

When I went back to get the results I had to see a different doctor who put me on these reflux tablets - ie anti acid and I've had to take those for the past month to rule that out. I've got to make an appointment to go back soon and hopefully find out the next stage. She'd mentioned sending me to a gastric specialist so fingers crossed we can kick that off.

This morning I won't go into detail, but lets just say it's been getting worse for a while now. It's definitely not healthy and it's not good for my kids to see me like that. I get up off the bathroom floor with tears in my eyes from vomiting and I have no strength or energy.

I think it's stress related. It's always worse when I am feeling stressed or down in general.

I gave up on work this morning, I had to - felt too awful. I sent out the essential orders then came home and I have been sat on the sofa at home surfing eBay on my laptop ever since! The house is a complete pigsty and for once I don't really care! I just feel like sitting here and not moving a muscle until I have to crawl up to the school later to pick the kids up!!

Wispa Bars in Woolworths!!

Yes tis true! In Woolworths they have had quite a few bars on the shelves. I can't guarantee that the same is true anymore, but according to the ladies behind the counter, demand has been HIGH! This is good because one girl alone cannot buy 23 million Wispa bars just to show them that there is a demand for regular supply!!

Swimming and Mr Rude who nearly ruined my day

I'd promised the kids that they could have a treat this weekend as they'd been really good and they chose swimming. We always go to The Triangle in Burgess Hill ... although it's further away than our local one, it's so much better and we always have more fun. I invited my mum to come along too - she'd had a steroid injection in her leg on Friday so the gentle exercise in the pool was perfect for her!

So there we are stood there in the queue to pay. Megan starts talking about the fact that I had put her hair in plaits and I said that it was because of going swimming and it would be easier to brush afterwards. I pointed to my own hair and said "I didn't even bother brushing mine today because of swimming" .... a perfectly normal mother/daughter conversation ... well you'd think, but apparently the bloke in front of us in the queue (who had 2 children of his own with him) didn't think so. He completely butted into our conversation and said to me "yeah love I think we can ALL see that." I was bubbling over inside and positively seething, but instead I gritted my teeth, decided not to make a public show of myself and said nothing. BUT THEN he grinned to himself and said "yeah umm the words hedge, dragged and backwards come to mind."

OMG HOW ANGRY WAS I????? This bloke who I had never met before in my life is standing there INSULTING me in front of my children (and his too). I was so tempted. SO tempted to just swing one at him. I didn't .... but that doesn't mean I wasn't VERY VERY tempted. I simply stood there and said absolutely nothing.

Now I need to point out here that my hair WAS brushed but I hadn't exactly spent half an hour with my GHD straighteners before going swimming!! I hadn't applied perfect makeup - in fact I wasn't wearing a scrap of makeup - not even waterproof mascara because I was going SWIMMING!! Okay I wasn't wearing my best clothes and high heels either - I was wearing a pair of black boot leg trousers and a plain black t-shirt with my trainers (easy to pull on and off while also trying to dress small children in a changing cubicle!) but I looked reasonable!!! In no way did I look like a piece of **** that had been dragged through a hedge backwards and in no way did he have the right to speak to me like that!!

Megan could see that I was extremely upset at this point and she'd watched the whole thing happening. She asked me if I was okay and I replied (loud enough for the bloke to hear) that no I wasn't really okay because I didn't like people who were so rude and I simply turned my back on him. Enormous brownie points to me for doing the right thing!! I was still seething inside and although I SO wanted to say/do something, I was determined not to turn it into a massive public spectacle in front of my children!

A bit later in the pool I spotted Mr Rude and pointed him out to Megan. I'd said to her that I'd wanted to thump him because he'd really hurt my feelings and upset me but that it would have been the wrong thing to do. I also said to her that he really wasn't setting a very good example to his children by the way he was so rude to someone in front of them.

Anyway we all have a nice splashing time in the pool, round the rapids and sliding down the flumes until my mum sidles up to me and said "Ummm Megan just poked Mr Rude!" I burst out laughing!! She did what?! I went and found her and apparently she gave him a nice sharp dig in the ribs under the water then swam off and he hadn't known it was her. I asked her why she did it - her answer was "I felt like it!" I told her that she really shouldn't have done it and she said she did it because he was nasty to me. Bless her little heart. I didn't make a big deal of it because of the circumstances around it and I did talk to her about it again later, but I had to smile. Apparently it was a nice elbow in the ribs!!

Friday Five - 12th October 2007

Today is going to be a mad day (Fridays always are - ugh!) Soooo I wanted to get this week's Friday Five done before I get too busy!!! This week's list from Friday Five are all about lasts ....

What was the last thing you baked? I baked an apple and blackberry pie!! I'm not a very good cook, but with the help of a recipe book (and my mother for pastry help!) I baked a beautiful pie! It tasted so good (and it was an unbelievably HUGE pie!) I even took some round to friends houses for them to try!!

What was the last thing you tried on for size? Ohhh that would be a new beige short skirt that I bought the other day to wear for candle parties - it's smart yet sexy and I love it.

What was the last thing you purchased on credit? I got rid of my credit card a while ago, so I can't actually remember. The last big purchase on credit would have been something for the house.

What was the last thing you put a postage stamp on? I posted some pain killers up to my sister earlier this week as she had an unbearable toothache and wasn't able to get to the dentist straight away. I've had really bad toothache (ended up needing root canal work) so I understand the pain!!!

What was the last thing you took a photo of? I tried to take a pic on my phone this morning of two tiny little baby snails that Nathan had spotted on a bush on the way to school but I couldn't get a decent shot as my phone doesn't do good close up pics so I gave up!

Busier than a great big busy thing!!!

My lack of posts for two days isn't because there has been nothing to post about ... more that I've hardly stopped! Busy has not been the word for my life recently! By the time tonight is over, I'll have done 4 candle parties since last Saturday night and I think I have about reached my limit!! I've been out of the house working every night this week - either doing a party or in the workshop pouring wax and gawd I need a night off! At least tonight is a fairly local one so I won't be finishing too late.

Thursday is always a busy day - I've not long got home from work and then Nathan has football 4-5pm and Megan has Brownies 6-7.30 so in between I have to get them fed, finish off the housework and then make sure I have everything ready for tonight so I can leave as soon as their dad walks through the door!!!

Proud Mama Bear moment ....
Megan and Nathan had parent consultations up at the school on Tuesday evening and I am so proud of both of them!! Megan has been struggling with maths for a while now and she had trouble grasping some of the new concepts last year, but she's made huge leaps and improvements in the first couple of months in year 5, and she is working really hard to achieve it too. Her reading is just through the roof and she's working well in everything. Nathan seems to be very calm and concentrating well at school (he's in year 3) which is a remarkable change in this time last year. There has only been one day since the start of the school year where he was apparently uncontrollable and there's a question mark over whether he actually took his medication that day or not. Because of his "problems" he has something called an IEP (Individual Education Plan) at school where they identify areas that he needs to improve on and work towards. Last year his targets were things like sitting still and not doing unprompted forward rolls in the middle of the classroom! This year it's things like capital letters and full stops - real education instead of trying to control behaviour. it's an enormous thing for Nathan.

Both of them have done so well - I'm soooo proud!!!

The best bath in the world ....

.... is one with lots and lots of bubbly bubbles, scented candles, a glass of rosé wine, a chick lit book ... AND A WISPA CHOCOLATE BAR (or two)!!!

My "Wispa Stash" is already getting low - kids and the hub have discovered my bag of them in the fridge. I may have to go buy up all the wispa bars from the local newsagents, then in super stealth mode, get them to my fridge at work where I can hide them from little fingers!

Do I really begrudge my family a Wispa bar? Damned skippy I do ... well until I know that they are back for good anyway!!!

OMG Wispa bars are back!!!!!!!

I'd just popped up to the local garage to top up on fuel before I go out later and you'll never guess what I found?!?! Okay you probably have guessed by the title ... I spotted Wispa bars!

I forget quite how long ago it was since my beloved Wispa bars simply disappeared from the shelves. I thought at first that the shops had just stopped stocking them ... but then I found that the real answer was in fact much more sinister .... Cadburys had STOPPED MAKING THEM!!

For a long time I wanted to find the person at responsible for this abhorration and demand a full explanation as to why this wonderfully smooth and velvety bubbly chocolate of the delicious Wispa bar was never to be seen on the shelves again!! I scoured the Newsagents desperate to find a replacement - a more attractive type of chocolate bar to satisfy those "need a sugar slap" moments. Shamefully I resorted to a very dark period in my life .... those few years known as the Galaxy years. I even signed the internet petition to bring them back!

But they are back!! Apparently for a limited period at 42p per bar (I just paid 50p a bar and bought 20 bars to stash away!) BUT if demand is high enough they may just keep them around!!!!

Oh Yay to the Wispa Gods!!!

Life is wine & nachos!

I had a really enjoyable candle party tonight! Not for money reasons (although it was average sales wise and average is always good!!) but it was a nice crowd and a hostess I've done a party for before (she's also a mum at the school my children go to) and best of all, it was so local that I was home within 3 minutes of having the car packed up and leaving her house! Always good

I'm now sat here all chilled out with a glass of wine, a smoke and some nachos! Life is great!

Well that wasn't so bad!!!

Wellll, my jaunt around the M25 last night in my effort for good customer service was actually a really good journey! It was all pretty much straight roads ... A27, A23, M23, M25 ... and no heavy traffic despite warnings saying there would be long delays ... and the lady lived literally two minutes away from the junction where I left the M25 so it was a no stress trip!! I was home by 10pm ... but admittedly asleep within an hour! Madness really ... three hours in the car solid driving with the round trip and it knackered me out!

So today? I have plans for absolute nothingness between now and my candle party tonight!!! Ah bliss!!

The Friday Five - 5th October 2007

Phew! House is (reasonably) tidy and it's almost 2pm meaning I actually have an hour all to myself before I pick the kids up from school! Just about time to answer this week's Friday Five!!

What were the circumstances surrounding your last all-nighter? I recently revamped my entire business website and it had got to the last few little bits of just minor tweaking the code and making cosmetic changes, but these final bits can actually take forever. I had started this last bit fairly early in the evening and by the time it got to around midnight I knew there was still a good few hour’s work left yet, so I figured I may as well just keep on at it until it was done!! By then it just wasn’t worth going to bed so I fell asleep on the sofa around 5am in the morning until it was time to get up and started on the next day!

What’s your favorite stay-awake-and-alert food or drink? I don’t eat when I’m on the go like that. When I’m already deprived of sleep, stopping to eat would just waste precious time, so I exist with LOTS of coffee and chain smoking!

What are you most likely to be doing when you’re up in the late, late hours of the night? I’ll be found sat with my laptop making website changes or surfing eBay… there will be a smoke in the ashtray and a mug of coffee not far away.

In what way does your personality change when you are sleep-deprived? I go into full FBD mode of the worst variety when I am tired. I become ultra snappy with a very short fuse and it’s always best to just give me a pillow, point me in the direction of something comfy to curl up on… and then stay well out of the way.

If you get home extremely tired and extremely hungry, which need are you most likely to satisfy first? Always sleep first. I hate going to bed on a full stomach – I have to keep getting up to pee! Besides, once you’ve got to sleep you aren’t hungry anymore anyway!

Is this taking Customer Service too far???

*sigh* I somehow knew it would be one of those days today! You ready? Major vent gonna happen right here!!!

When I left my workshop yesterday I booked collections onine for two consignments on a 24hr delivery through Parcelforce. This means that they should have picked up from me yesterday for delivery to my customers today. I've been using Parcelforce since January this year (I sacked my last courier for inefficiency!!) and so far no real huge problems that haven't been fixable.

Until I get into the workshop today and see yesterday's parcels STILL outside my door!

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!

I get straight on the phone to Parcelforce to ask them what the **** is going on and I am reliably informed that due to strike action there are no more same day collections and that the consignments I booked yesterday will be picked up today and delivered next working day (ie Monday.)

Now see, I WAS aware that there was a postal strike, but as far as I am aware, there were no problems with Parcelforce collections. I am a contract customer and assumed that should there be any problems, that I would have been informed by a notice on the website when I booked the collections! Well you'd think wouldn't you!! If I had known yesterday that there was even the remotest chance of an issue, I would have moved mountains to fix it yesterday and had enough time to organise another courier!!!

In the normal scheme of things, an extra day added on to the delivery time wouldn't really make that much difference to the vast majority of my customers, but one of these ladies is getting married TOMORROW!!!!!!!!! The candles in this box (which is currently sat by my feet!) are for her wedding tables TOMORROW and delivery on Monday will be just a teensy bit TOO ****ing late!!!

Please excuse my post full of stars but I am just so utterly furious!!

Could I pay extra and upgrade it to a Saturday morning delivery before 9am I ask the not very helpful blatantly unhelpful female "customer service" operator. I am reliably informed no, they are not able to do that due to current demands on their services!!! Ohhhhh GRRRRRRRR!!

Ok so damage control time. I have 2 choices.

1. Do nothing. Tell the customer that it's beyond my control (which it actually is! I have no control over postal strikes!) and that I am very sorry but there is nothing I can do about it and I hope her wedding goes ok and that the tables don't look too awful without the pretty glittery candles she'd ordered from me.
2. Drive it up to her myself this evening.

Soooo .... guess what I'm doing tonight? I've just called her and explained the situation and she is very grateful!! I have to brave the M25 around probably the worst part on a Friday night, but what else could I do?! How could I have someone out there thinking that the only thing to spoil an otherwise perfect wedding day was the fact that the candles ordered from ME didn't arrive. It'll only take me around two hours each way *sigh*

I do pride myself on my customer service. Sometimes orders do go out a few days late if I've been manic and not had staff in, but I'll usually fix that up by sending a lil freebie with the order, and I try to treat each customer like my only customer! I couldn't let a bride down before her wedding day.

So this morning I have to finish up in the workshop - finalise my prep for a party tomorrow night (and another Sunday afternoon) to make sure the stock boxes are ready ... and then go home, clean the house and wait for hub to get in from work so I can go play with the traffic!!!

Like having a ford cortina parked up your ....

It's the one test a woman never wants to take ... and whenever I'm laying there with a speculum in between my legs I always remember a Ben Elton skit I saw on DVD years ago where he described a smear test as "Like having a Ford Cortina parked up your *****!"

So yes ladies (because I am sure there aren't any blokes reading this entry anymore!) today I had my routine smear test. Isn't it amazing how you can get rid of blokes in one easy move by talking about "women's problems" LOL

Seriously though, it does amaze me that after all of the medical advances there STILL isn't a better way to do this than dropping your knickers for a stranger, allowing them to park a Ford Cortina up there and them poking around at your cervix?

I'm ALL up for smear tests and think we should probably have them more often than the current three yearly re-calls, but medical science still hasn't made the experience any less pleasant! Mind you, I remember when the speculum was metal (read COLD) and at least it's less of a cold shock with the pastic ones today ... but still! Even the dentist has lots of nice gadgets to make your experience a little less stressful than it was 20 odd years ago ... but new smear test gadgets? Nah!!

My test today was actually amusing in parts though! When the nurse came over after I had "made myself comfortable" (????) she took one look and said "Ohhh you're shaved!" ... then on her second look I saw her do almost a double take as she started scraping my cervix and said "Ohhh you're pierced too!"

LOL what to say to that? Yes Nurse, I had my clitoral hood pierced about a year ago in an attempt to spice up my flagging sex life? .... errr I just smiled and said nothing as I tried to think happy thoughts and resist the overwhelming temptation to thump her (well, she started it!).

Beetroots Purple and Onions White

Okay so I have the school harvest song in my head! I know it drives a lot of the parents crazy as the kids sing it every year without fail at harvest, but I can't help it - I like it!

Cauliflowers fluffy and cabbages green
Strawberries sweeter than any I've seen
Beetroot purple and Onion white
All grow steadily day and night!
The apples are ripe, the plums are red.
Broad beans are sleeping in their blankety beds!!

... and it goes on for 3 verses and I know all the words! LOL

Middle School Harvest Festival today - definitely a lot more organised than the lower school chaos and the children did us parents proud!! Sorry for the obscure shaped photo of Megan here but obviously I have to chop out the other children in the pic to be able to post it online!! This is the best shot I managed to get without the other girl's paper covering Megan's face completely!!

The small cost of politeness!

I had a mega errand that I had to do this morning before heading into the workshop. I was already running late leaving the house, and I knew I had to pick up some champagne flutes to make champagne gel candles with today or I wouldn't get the customer's order out in time.

There is only one local shop where I knew I could get hold of them without heading over to the next major town (involving the usual morning traffic hell!) but the trouble is parking around there is a complete nightmare. Anyway, the only place to park was literally right in front of someone's driveway.

I knew I would literally be just two minutes, so out of courtesy I rang the doorbell of the house whose car I had blatantly blocked into their driveway. I apologised for disturbing them at 9am in the morning, and just explained I needed to pop to the shop over the road and that there was nowhere else to park and was it okay to leave my car there for just a couple of minutes. The woman looked so stunned! She said "Thank you, it's okay as I'm not going out anywhere, but thank you so much for actually taking the time to ring the doorbell and ask me." I replied that it was the least I could do and wasn't a problem at all.

It's crazy - something I didn't think twice about doing, probably really made a difference to that woman's day. Even though I was only outside her house for a few minutes, if she'd looked out of her window and seen my car blocking her in, it could have stressed her out and given her a bad start to her day.

Politeness costs nothing - a smile is even cheaper!! Ohh and don't the champagne gel candles look purrrrty!!!

Cauliflowers Fluffy and Cabbages Green

I am such a sucker for school performances. There's just something so adorable about the sound of kids singing that reduces this grown woman to a snivelling heap!

Today was totally unique though! I hadn't realised it at the time, but I sat all the way through Nathan's Harvest Festival performance today without actually worrying myself silly that he was about to get up and start spinning around in circles or doing rolly pollys, kicking people in the process and generally creating mayhem! I sat there and watched proudly as my boy sat beautifully while the other children did their bits, he SANG (I was close enough to hear that there was definitely musical noises coming out of his mouth!) and he took part doing all the actions. He also seemed to really take pride in himself too.

Since Nathan was diagnosed with ADHD and Aspergers (high functioning autism) it has made some of his more errr "unique" behaviours a little more acceptable because knowing that it's not just him being beligerant and that it's actually his brain chemistry and unique makeup .... well it's another tick in the "I'm not a bad mother who can't always control her son" box!!

I am incredibly lucky that he goes to a very good school where there is excellent support for him, and they always have a Harvest Festival performance ... well, two actually! First school today and Middle school (Megan's) tomorrow. I love how they do put a lot of emphasis on the real meaning behind harvest time and that it's not just about collecting food to give to the less fortunate, but about trying to eat seasonally and how our food is made from the land. Ack it's the greenie in me!

Anyway - my boy made me proud today. Life is good :-)

Day of the Goddess

Well in a complete turnup for the books, Mad Monday has actually been a REALLY good day! (so far - touch wood!!) I have a candle party later tonight, but I had already sorted out the stock for that when I popped into the workshop yesterday morning, so all I need to do is pick that up on my way over there tonight. I was actually able to crack straight on with customer orders this morning and I got soooo much done! Normally on a Monday I spend half my morning replying to emails and the other half returning phone calls (and the whole time wishing I was still in bed!), so today was a surprisingly productive day work day!

I've picked the children up from school, both reported good days and I've tidied my house (surface clean only today - too much else to be getting on with!) I now have to go look through the kitchen cupboards to look for Harvest Festival offerings for the children to take to school tomorrow. I did a Bad Mother thing last year and couldn't be bothered completely forgot about going to their school performances! This year I received a not so gentle reminder from my dear daughter that my attendance is not only required but expected!! Oooops!

Awwwww don't they look smart!!

Photo taken at 7.45am this morning - note BOTH children not only dressed, but ties tied and hair neatly brushed and still an hour before we needed to leave the house! WOOHOO!

Nathan didn't want to smile properly and pulled a silly faces instead - but like I always tell him - you pull faces at the camera and I'll just go right ahead and take the photo anyway! I'll immortalise you in my photo forever no matter what face you pull!

In their defence it WAS raining outside and I made them go stand out there (better light!!) so I could get a piccie!! I love the first day of winter uniform as they just look SO much smarter!