Ditzy & Scattered ....

So there's a change eh ...

It's been a weird day. I have had a funny tingling feeling for the last two days. It's almost like a lightheaded "head rush". I felt like this a few weeks ago and it's weird to explain... I can only put it down to anxiety and stress.

I'm so worried about money at the moment. The business HAS to improve and do better and it WILL... I'll make sure of that *sigh* I've just had a shitty day today! It feels like I work my butt off for absolutely nothing in return and it's getting to the point where I really have had enough now. I deserve more from life than this.

Grrrrrrrrr LOL

I woke up with astronomical toothache around 5am and it took a while for the painkillers to kick in, so by the time my alarm went off I really hadn't had enough sleep and woke up feeling groggy this morning. I swear toothache is WORSE than childbirth! At least with childbirth it's pain with a purpose and it may hurt like hell, but at least you know it's going to end!

This toothache is killing me. I'd originally thought that it was related to my period because it seemed to hit when I was on ... but even that has been hard to track recently. I didn't have a period for a few months after Christmas, then I had a nasty heavy one ... then I've had two in the last 5 weeks ... this last one has really dragged on too, but it seems to have finished today and I still have the toothache. If I could afford the dentist - I'd go ... meanwhile I'll just keep relying on painkillers!

I still went into work this mornig ready to crack on despite feeling like crap because my newfound motivation won't let a lil thing like toothache get in the way! I seriously felt like curling up on the sofa in my "staff room" and just going to sleep, but instead I got some orders poured, made some hurricanes for stock and paperwork wise, I have got my most outstanding year now filed into date order in my filing cabinet!!! Yeah, I rock!!

In true "Dee style" I've got pretty coloured dividers separating the months out so it's organised AND pretty LOL and I bought a pink notepad to staple my current cash receipts into! LOL Tomorrow's plan is to start on the rest of the filing and I've set myself a target of this weekend to have it ALL filed in monthly order! By next week I need to be going through my old bank statements (which I have also found and filed!!!) to add up all of the incomings and outgoings year by year. Once I reach that point, I'll be able to make an appointment with my local tax office and they will help me to fill in the returns once I have the numbers. This totally negates the need to pay an accountant and saves money -- something I love to do!!! Okay so I won't have a full accounts listing for those outstanding years, but I'll know the numbers and I'll be able to work out exactly what I owe the tax man and I'll have the paperwork to back it all up.

Plus ... with L's help I have been working out exactly what my current costs are ... ie the essential things that I need to pay to keep the business afloat and I have a much better idea of what actually constitutes a good and bad week now!!

The thing that has frustrated me today is that all of the data entry I did last night into QuickBooks has all been for nothing because I realised this afternoon that it was all screwy!! I realised this when I was invoicing a customer and recording it as paid, then marking the actual payment into my bank register ... I figured it was registering the payment twice as far as income goes and thereby giving a false profit reading! This is not good!! It's what you get for a free download version huh!

I do actually own a full working copy of QuickBooks with the key code and registration code .... mine is the 2001 version and I rang QuickBooks customer service hoping to get a download site so that I could re-install it without the CD, but unfortunately my version is so old now that they no longer support it! The woman I spoke to was really helpful and said that as I was an existing customer I can get the current 2008 pro version for a discounted price AND I could pay monthly via direct debit. I snapped it up! It also includes an upgrade to the 2009 version when that's ready. CDs are on the way and that will then be my way of getting the current financial year (from April 1st onwards) absolutely 100% up to date!

I haven't had a single anxiety attack or felt the real "rush" of stress and panic since I started going through the paperwork last Thursday. Funny that eh. The crazy thing is that I've know all along that THIS has been one of the root causes of my stress, yet it's been the thing that I have avoided doing for so frigging long now. I'm still very worried about it all because the more I get involved with the numbers, the more I worry I can't afford to make it ... but that just makes me MORE determined to sort it all out!!

A very bad dream last night ....

I don't even know what time it was when I woke up in the middle of the night - sweating, panicked and scared beyond anything.... all I could do was just burst into tears because I was awake, alive and okay.

It's faded slightly now so a few things won't make sense ... but basically I'd been diagnosed with some kind of terminal illness and I was being sent off somewhere to die. This place I was sent to had a big huge furnace with a massive opening at the front. There were big huge pallets on rollers that people were made to lay down on and then they disappeared into the furnace ... to their death.

It was so vivid and definitely in colour. I remember looking at the people standing next to me while we waited in line for our "turn" to get onto the pallets and they all looked so normal and accepting of what was happening to them. I do remember there was some element of choice to it ... we didn't have to get on the pallet ... it was just the done thing.

It's getting hard to remember now, but basically I started to panic because I wasn't ready to die. I remember feeling really scared and alone and not knowing what to do ... I ran! I ran and ran and ran until the point that I woke up, sat bolt upright and burst into tears before going downstairs and hugging my kids!!

I looked up the meaning in my dream dictionary ... there were three main parts to the dream ... my death, the fire/furnace and running.

To dream of your own death, indicates a transitional phase in your life. You are becoming more enlightened or spiritual. Alternatively, you are trying desperately to escape the demands of your daily life.

To see fire in your dream can symbolise destruction, passion, desire, illumination, transformation, enlightenment, or anger. It may suggest that something old is passing and something new is entering your life. Your thoughts and views are changing. If you are being burned by fire it can indicate your temper getting out of control. An issue or situation is burning you up inside.

if you are running from danger, then it suggests that you are not facing and confronting your fears.

Sounds pretty spot on. I told a friend about my dream this morning and the response was "So nothing to do with feeling trapped or anything like that ..." Damnit I hate it when people know me better than I know me!

Fingers crossed for a better night tonight!!

My period ... plus headache & toothache - oh joy, lucky me

It is official - I have the killer period from hell. I could probably cope with the stomach cramps, the lower backache and being slightly more emotional than usual - but damnit my body has to throw in an evil toothache and then just to finish me off completely, a headache too.

Short version of the day - my stress levels have been rising VERY VERY high and I've had a couple of "small" panic attacks throughout the day. A friend actually witnessed a part of it - and no matter what, I always try not to let people see how bad I can get when my anxiety and stress levels rise.

Thankfully, the friend who was there turned out to be the perfect person to talk me through it. I don't know what I would have done without being able to just talk and breathe and that point and have someone just listen, tell me I CAN get through this and remind me of light at the end of the tunnel.

I'd had a headache all day, but by the time I had picked up the kids from school, the toothache was much worse, and that was the point the headache seriously kicked in and made me wonder whether it was actually a migraine instead of just a headache. I took a first dose of pain killers at that point, then by 4pm I felt myself going downhill rapidly.

I did some research earlier and I think I have what is very affectionately termed "menstrual migraine" caused by a drop in oestrogen ... remember I'd had no period for 3 months and then I decided to stop taking the pill so I could try to have a natural cycle (it's been six weeks since I stopped the pill) so there is my reduction in oestrogen!

I feel dizzy and off balance like I've been on a roundabout and my head is killing me. Bright lights make it worse and all the while I stay relatively still, it hurts less. Moving around definitely makes it much worse.

So hi ho, hi ho it's off to take more pills I go ....

My mum said something nice to me today....

Gawd that actually sounds like she never says anything nice but I don't mean it like that! She says lots of nice things often!! Okay bit of background on the start of the day!

I rang the doctor first this morning to make an appointment to go down and get a repeat prescription for my tablets and was able to go down within a couple of hours. The doc asked me how I'd been doing on the tablets and I said that I'd noticed the physical aspects of the anxiety had definitely lessened - I told her that I loved them! That in the month I had been on them I had noticed a real physical difference and that I could feel the stress levels just bubbling instead of boiling, but that my friends and family had mentioned more of an "emotional" difference in me. I grinned at that and doc said that they do usually take some time to work and that it was good I'd noticed a difference already. I really like this doctor - she is the first one that really listened to me and I've been seeing her since when I first went down there about being sick. She also made sure I was exercising still and making an effort with reducing stress in other aspects of my life. She's good - I really like her.

So back to mother and the nice thing!! I spoke to her on the phone today to let her know I'd been back to the doctor today and I repeated what I'd said about friends and family noticing a difference over the last month - she laughed and emphatically agreed! I asked her to explain what she meant and she found it really difficult to put into words but that what she was trying to say was that her daughter was back.

I was really touched by that. It put a smile on my face :-)

A good day!

I was too knackered to blog by the end of the day yesterday but I had a pretty good day! My internet connection at work had been down since the weekend and it was finally all back up and running properly again yesterday. I also managed to get through quite a few orders and feel all smug and happy with myself!

I went training last night and had a fantastic session. I didn't have a partner so I paired up with W (Sensei) and oh boy did she give me a work out and a serious run for my money. I learned SO much from her and came out of there feeling all smug and happy with myself too.

I think yesterday was the first day in a few weeks that I managed to control my anxiety - of course it helped that it was just a good day all round! Anyway, tons to do at work today so best get started and hope that today is just as good!!