Will Work For Shoes is moving!!

This will be my last blog post here on Blogger as I am moving over to Wordpress. There are a few reasons behind the move, but it's easier not to go into them!!!

Drop by my new home ... Will Work For Shoes on WordPress.

A very quick catch up!!

Well after being badgered by my daughter and receiving phone calls and emails from my real life friends over the last couple of weeks ... I figured I had really better spend some time sitting down catching up on everything here!

It hasn't been brilliant ... but I guess that much is obvious or I would have posted about anything fabulous eh! The business is still ticking over and I have got an accountant on board now who already has my first batch of paperwork. To make it easy to explain the paperwork is broken down into four bits. The first three bits are the absolutely MUST have filed asap for the tax man. I've done two out of three of those and am working on the last third. The final fourth bit will bring me absolutely up to date as far as being current goes - so that is really where I want to be, but all in good time.

I'll admit I have been deeply buried in paperwork recently, especially during the day. I am trying to split my time so that during the day I am home and around with the children because I HATE dragging them into work with me and they hate being there! I've been doing the numbers, designing flyers, working on the website ... ohh and cleaning the house during the day, and then as soon as hub is through the door at 6pm I'm off out into the workshop!

The earliest I am generally home is 8.30-9pm and it's often later than that in the evening, so to be truthful, the last thing I've felt like doing when I sit down and relax after work late at night is getting on here and moaning & complaining about how stressed out I am!! Who'd want to read about that! LOL

So anyway! I have so many things to update on, but only about ten minutes I can justify sitting here before hub will be home and I'll need to go into the workshop!!

Wednesday Market

Well .... the market stall is covering costs and that is about it! This is a pic from a couple of weeks ago and each week the stall looks better and better. All of the scented votives are in the middle section, and at both ends I have smaller displays with incense and floating candles. It's a VERY long day to be up at 5am, out of the house by 6.15am and then not home until usually around 7.30pm by the time I've unpacked everything back at the workshop.

It's very disheartening to know that I have such great products - not blowing my own trumpet, but I DO ... yet people just aren't buying. It's the same whoever you talk to and whatever business they are in ... it's slow everywhere. I stand there ALL day and just about cover the cost of the pitch and the cost of the stock that I had to sell to cover the cost of the pitch (if you read that properly and say it out loud it does make sense!) I get nowhere near covering the cost of my time standing there all day when I actually could have spent that day filling orders.

Why do I do it? Because the summer is always slow and because once I've got my pitch established and people start to see me as a familiar face on the market ... we'll be just about ready for silly season and the early Christmas shoppers will be all over me like a rash!!

Well that is the plan anyway!!

Right, hi ho, hi ho it's off to work I go! With a bucket and spade and a hang grenade hi ho, hi ho!

Friday Five (25th July 08)

Metaphorically Speaking ...

1. When you go to the beach, lake, or pool, are you more likely to lower yourself gradually into cold water or to take a determined plunge and get it over with? Ooooh I do both! I start off with a gradual lowering of my body parts but then will take the plunge and get it over with in one go!

2. How is this like (or unlike) your approach to other tasks or ordeals? LOL I really didn't see this question coming!! It's bizarre but yeah that's pretty much me! Procrastinate for ages then jump in feet first!!

3. When someone gives you flowers, are you more likely to let them turn completely brown and gross before throwing them out, or to discard them the moment they take on that sick-flower look? Well it's been a LONG time since anyone gave me flowers!!! I don't ever let them die and turn yucky brown - I'll bin them long before that.

4. How is this like (or unlike) your approach to other gifts, purchases, or relationships? Funnily enough - NOTHING like it. I tend to hang on to things for far longer than is healthy. That probably applies to gifts, purchases AND relationships. Maybe I need a big purge!

5. Think of your favorite movie (or a movie you really like, if you can’t think of a favorite). Some people say that the reasons you love your favorite movie are related to what you value in romantic relationships. How is this true or untrue in your case? Welllll I have a ton of favourite movies, but the ones I'll always watch over and over again are the sappy romantic comedies! How true is this to what I value in romantic relationships? It's actually bang on true!! I CRAVE romance! I can't remember the time I felt literally swept off my feet or caught up in a moment *sigh*

Dangit I'm melancholy now!! When WAS the last time I felt like that??? I seriously can't actually remember and the only thing that comes to mind was over a decade ago when I was kissed outside in the pouring rain - no, torrential downpours and the rain didn't matter - just me, him and the moment.

A funeral, a 6 hour drive and a new melter! YEAH!

Well finally I am getting somewhere! When my melter packed up and died last night it was all I could do to not wallow in self pity because it's been the way things have gone recently!! It's seemed that no matter how many steps forward I've taken, I've ended up behind even more!

It seriously had me questioning whether it is all worth it because it really is just one thing after another and for a nano-second I considered shutting it all down!!! How can a candlemaker make candles and get ready for two market days with no wax melter? LOL

Anyway after some late night surfing and research last night, I tracked down a local bee farm and they had the melter I use in stock! YEAH! Soooo this morning, on the way to Wiltshire for my Uncle Bill's funeral, I drove 20 mins out of the way to pick up the melter. It cost more than one I could have bought online and had delivered, but I was able to get it TODAY and that makes a huge difference! I'll take time over money any day!!

The funeral went okay ... the weird part was being in a room full of family and not knowing half all their names. The last time we all met up was at the last family funeral. In a morbid sense it made me wonder who would be next. The last funeral was my uncle Ashley and before that it was my dad.

Anyway, after I got back to the workshop and plugged in the melter I had a big smile on my face!!!

FINALLY I have ... (in no particular order!!)

• A working phone line
• A dead PC but a laptop that can be used instead
• Working broadband and an internet connection
• A functional wax melter
• No excuses not to be working!!!

It feels good! It feels goooooooooooood!! God I am so short on time that I couldn't have managed if I hadn't got hold of a melter today! Tomorrow I have Megan's friends coming over for a girlie day and a cinema trip plus a sleepover so I won't be able to work ... that literally leaves Sunday to do EVERYTHING!!

Ugh! LOL

OMG BUSY!!!!!!

The last few days have officially all rolled in to one! Today has been a day from hell but it's too late at night and I am too tired to get into it right now - it'll have to wait! UGH I am busy, stressed and there is too much to do and not enough time to do it all...

Plus my wax melter died ... yeah don't ask!

Megan had a birthday!

Well I am now the scared owner of a ten year old daughter! I *think* she had a lovely day ... we certainly spent an absolute FORTUNE on her!! She has a birthday treat coming up this weekend too - I'm taking her and three of her friends to the cinema then back here for pizza!

I do have piccies from her birthday, but I'm posting this after getting back from market so I'll update this with pics when I've had a chance to look for my cable!!

Do I need to make more adjustments?

A commenter on my blog suggested that perhaps I need to learn how to make adjustments with my family so that I didn't find myself so stressed and burned out. I have to say ... it's always easy to make suggestions from the outside, and anyone looking in would see it as an obvious thing, but life just isn't that simple!

I have already adapted and made a LOT of changes to my life to fit a good work / life balance ... and truthfully yes, the life half HAS been slipping lately as I have been focussed on work, but I still make sure that I spend quality time with the children every day and that's what it is all about - in my opinion anyway!

I AM working a lot of hours at the moment, and during the school summer holidays it will be worse because I'll have the children during the day and ONLY be able to work evenings and weekends (aside from Wednesdays at the market), but I'm also doing this for them! They want to have nice things, they want the latest this and that - and because they ARE good kids (most of the time!!) I'd love to be able to treat them and reward them more often.

Yes I know, it's not about money and materialistic posessions - it's about growing up in a safe and loved environment ... but c'mon, when all your friends have really cool clothes and you are wearing school trousers that are too short and tops that don't fit you anymore - then the materialistic stuff DOES matter.

I've felt ashamed and embarrassed some days when I've sent the kids off to school because their uniforms have needed replacing for so long and there just hasn't been the money for it. Both of them have so few clothes in their wardrobes that fit properly and let's not get started on the shoes that are falling to pieces!!

THIS is why I do it. This is why I work hard! It's so I can turn around a flagging business, bring it right up to exactly where it needs to be and for my kids to have the benefit of it!!

A good day ... but damnit I need my own space!!!

Well wow! Today I was at St Symphorians church hall in Durrington - a local church fete and I really hadn't expected much from it, so it was a real turnaround when takings were actually better than they were at the market this week!!!

I am in a weird/strange place right now - read it however you like. Damnit sometimes I wish family & real life friends didn't read this because I could be a lot more honest than I actually am about my "situation."

I CRAVE my own space. I NEED my own space.

And yesterday she did sleep!!

I was fairly okay when I woke up in the morning yesterday, but the tiredness hit as the day went on and I felt more and more tired. I picked the kids up from school and the last thing I remember is looking at the clock at 4pm.

I'd fallen on the sofa and woke up around 9pm ... ooops!

Market Day!!

The sun was shining - it was a lovely day and I covered costs and made some profit! Even getting up at 5am wasn't so bad today.

I have so many ideas for stall display! Last week was utter shite because of the weather so it didn't really count ... really this week is counted as my first week, so all things considered I did okay ... Next week will be even better! Last week I had two pasting tables that pretty much fell to pieces - this week I had my proper stock shelves and it looked so much better, but still so much room for improvement!!

Ohh here's a pic of the votives! with their new labels! See, I remembered and I got the pic sorted eventually!!!

Ohhh and because it was outside and the sun was shining ... I got a nice tan too!

School report day & Proud Mama!

BOTH my fantastic kids got great school reports today! I knew Megan had done well this year, but it was so good to see it in print. Her teacher's quote was that Megan had "worked her socks off!" I'm so proud of that girl! She has never been strong at maths but she is *improving* and as far as I am concerned she's doing just brilliantly!

Nathan's report really surprised the crap out of me!! His teacher commented on how his concentration and focus have really improved over the year ... and last year's report was full of "variable" for his effort - intersperted with the very odd "good!" This year it was ALL good with a VERY good in there for design technology! I nearly cried as I was reading it! He's done so well.

They have BOTH done so well. It makes me really proud!!!

Anyway, it's nearly 10pm on Tuesday evening ... I have JUST finished all of the re-labelling of the stock ready for market tomorrow. It had BETTER be a good day ... if it isn't then I don't even want to think about where I will be. I need to make money this week!

I haven't done even half the things I wanted to achieve this evening ... and I still need to shower - the thought of a 5am shower is NOT a good one!

I did get pics of the new labels ... but again it will have to wait ... I could waffle on here all night but it won't get my work done or me showered! LOL

REALLY pissed off

Have a huge major vent to make about my landlord at work, but for now I'm knackered and need some sleep after a long day. I do have new piccies of the new labels but it will have to wait until tomorrow!!!

I am so pissed off.............

Okay good stuff first then I'll get to my moan of the day!!

I have new labels! OMG they look sooooo fantastic! I should have taken my camera in to work with me today, but I forgot ... my bad - I'll take pics tomorrow! I had created a new design for the labels based on the new logo. I showed L ... who suggested I tweak it slightly by changing one little thing and all of a sudden they look properly "branded" rather than generic and "samey"

It's funny --- whenever I have new packaging, all of a sudden I love doing the "monkey work" .... hehehe I'm sure the novelty will wear off!

Okay so the moan.

I am so utterly pissed off at home right now. I'm working my proverbial backside off daily and I feel that I get very little support for it from hub. He claims to be supportive and will stand there and argue the toss with me about how he is being supportive ... but he isn't! His salary puts a roof over my head and food on the table ... but it doesn't mean that what I do isn't important!

I don't have the luxury of being able to leave early in the morning and finish at 5pm. I have to fit my working hours into the time that the children are at school, then I go back evenings and weekends if I have to. I am working my backside off to try to build the business back up. I've invested hours and hours of my time to build it into something for the future - for my future and for the kids.

Hub has been complaining about HIS LACK OF WEEKENDS!!! It makes me so angry. He expects it to be absolutely fine for me to just not go into work for an entire weekend and either have to fit more into less hours or fall behind with orders ... just so that HE can go and do HIS stuff.

How is that supportive???

The latest one??? AFTER we had already had an argument about how unimportant my work is and how he doesn't get time at weekends ... he told me he wanted to go out on Saturday 26th - some bike or canoe thing - I didn't really pay much attention to the "what" because I couldn't believe it - not only did he blatantly not listen to me earlier in the day about how I need the weekends ... the 26th is the weekend after his daughter's birthday ... the weekend I have got 3 of her friends coming over to all go to the cinema and then pizza and a sleepover! Yeah okay hub, what do I do with Nathan while you are off doing whatever it is you want to do while I am with our daughter and her friends?!?!!

Is that selfish of me? Am *I* being the selfish one? Should I just cause myself MORE stress and MORE worry by having to work harder and faster during the day while the children are at school just so that he can have a weekend to do whatever he wants to do??

On the upside I wore new shoes today - so at least the bad parts of the day had a bit of sparkle to them.

Mama got new shoes today!! Piccies too! I love being a girl!

I went on a "birthday shopping spree" with my mum today :-) It's become a bit of a tradition that instead of buying me a gift (although she does get me something to unwrap on the day too!) we go out together shopping and she treats me with some cash to splurge.

I had £50 to spend and I did soooo well!! I love wearing the strappy vest tops as they go with pretty much anything - they can be casual or dressed up ... found a pack of 3 for £8 - bargain so I got a blue & turquoise set and a pink & purple set too, so that's 6 tops for £16! I also got a turquoise coloured wrap cardigan for £6 and these purrrrrty silver flip flops that were THREE POUNDS in the sale! LOL

I still had some cash left when we met up with my sister and her hub for lunch out in town and they brought my birthday pressie with them... I'd mentioned to Sis about my self imposed shoe buying ban a couple of weeks ago and said if she were stuck for anything to buy for my birthday then sparkly sandals were the way to go!!

Loooooooook what I got from my sis!!!!

HOW gorgeous are these! I mean seriously if she could have got inside my head and pulled out a picture of exactly what I wanted then these would have been right up there! PINK and SPARKLY and COMFY!! Ohh I love them!!

I still had some cash left and went into Brantano on the way home and found these ....

They were a teeny bit over budget ... they were £32 and NOT sale ... and I only had £25 left from mum, but by the time I'd seen them - before I had even tried them on I KNEW they were mine! I even tried on others first ... slightly cheaper and in budget shoes ... that were pretty and that I liked ... just not as much as these!! I fell in love with them as soon as I saw them! HAD to have them!! They go beautifully with the new turquoise top I bought (that I'd changed into!) and of course I had to wear my new shoes out of the shop! LOL I had so many compliments from the other customers about how great they looked!

God I love being a girl!!!

Soooo all the effort I've been putting in at work has been worth it ... I finally got paid in shoes today :-)

Friday Five - 11th July

This week's Friday Five are about dreams!!! Let's have a bash at this ...

What are some recurring dreams you’ve had? Recently I've been waking up and feeling that I can't breathe. It's a very real feeling although I can't remember the dream... just the fact I am gasping for breath and have to stick my head out of the window!

What is the significance of dreams in telling you about yourself? I put a LOT of significance into my dreams!! I firmly believe that the subconscious mind has a great deal of insight into what is going on in your real life. I've seen lie detector tests where the person genuinely believe what they are saying as the truth ... but their subconscious mind lets on the real truth. Dreams are important. They help us to figure out what we REALLY want instead of what we think we want!

How do you feel after you’ve had one of THOSE dreams? One of WHAT dreams? Hehehe a sexy one? I feel GRRRRRR and that's the best way to describe it! LOL Cobwebs R Us!

What was the last dream you remember? Last night I dreamed I was being chased because I had parked my car in the wrong place. Chasing dreams generally represent anxiety (no shit sherlock!) because running away is a natural response. I think I dreamed about this because I am trying NOT to run away from things at the moment!

When did you last dream about something that later happened as you dreamt it? You can only recognise so called "prophetic dreams" after they have actually happened, and the only thing I can think of where this has happened has been something I can't discuss on a public post!!

My "unbirthday" birthday!

I can't believe I didn't actually write about this yesterday! I was so "on one" about getting ready for the market, that by the time I'd finished up last night I just headed straight for bed!!

I got some wonderful gifts from my children!!!! Megan made me a cross stitch pattern that she did completely by herself and I absolutely love it. It's way better than anything she could have bought, and it's actually really good!! My mum has been helping her with sewing & stitching, but she did this on her own! Hub took the kids into Boots to buy me something and Nathan picked out hair bunches!! He couldn't have picked anything more perfect! I scratch around in the morning for a bunch when I am straightening my hair and need to separate some of it off. He told me that he knew I needed them and would use them every day and think of him! How adorable was that!!

I got lots of cards and either a facebook message or a text from my friends ... plus Lou bought me a cake at work!! Well happy! LOL

The rest of my birthday was spent working!! I was in the workshop all day then bought packing home to finish up ready for the market! I did manage a good few hours "quality time" with the kids after school though :-)

It wasn't about presents or parties or cake (although cake was good!!!) it was about spending time with my kids and knowing that although money has been tight for so many people ...

... I was given gifts that didn't cost the earth but meant the world.

THAT is what it is about.

More rain in a day today than in a month!

Well that's what the radio said this afternoon anyway!

I was up at 5am and all motivated to go do the market! I got there early, got a pitch, got set up and was absolutely drenched by around 8am! Had it not been for another trader who loaned me a tarpaulin and some clamps to protect at least ONE side of my pitch then I would have been totally screwed! At least I was only cold and wet! LOL

Technically NOT a good day to try out the market! The rain was just ridiculous and when the other traders started packing up by 11am - I knew it was pretty pointless sticking around! I stuck it out for another hour, but gave up at that point!

The people that were out braving the rain just weren't browsing ... they were carrying umbrellas with heads down and walking very quickly - I couldn't blame them for not wanting to stop and have a sniff!

Anyway, it wasn't a total loss - although I am out the pitch cost, but I learned a lot! I already know exactly what I need for my display now - and it shouldn't cost the earth AND I may even be capable of building it myself with some hardboard, wood batons and some nails! Have hammer - can travel! HAH!

After taking the stock back to the workshop and picking up the kids, I pretty much spent the afternoon asleep on the sofa. It'll be hard doing that every week with the early start, but fingers crossed for better weather next week!!

it was "Yell at Dee Day" today ... and the resulting melancholy!!

I got yelled at twice today by two different people - both pretty important people in my life ... and both within a couple of hours of each other!! I am not going to elaborate or go into detail of the who/what/why/when/why and how because both people did apologise for the yelling part (even though I admit there was a reason behind the yelling - i.e. Dee has fucked up again) and it's all dealt with and okay now ... but it really did get me thinking.

I am wondering whether I've been too "up in the clouds" about everything lately. I do have a tendancy to kind of go off on a tangent with things and I KNOW get a little over enthusiastic ... but if I don't put myself out there and actively make changes then nothing is going to happen. I cannot just sit here and wait for things to happen for me because life just doesn't work that way.

It just feels like no matter what I do I am in the wrong at the moment. I seem to go from feeling up to feeling totally crap and that I am the worst person in the world!

Translated - I am a bad mother.

I'm worried about my relationship with my children. Part of me doesn't want to say anything here because I know Megan sometimes reads my blog and a lot of my friends & family read what I write here ... but if being honest on my blog means that the people close to me can get inside my head more ... then that's what this is all about!!

I am working a LOT at the moment. Every spare minute I have is spent working ... I'm either on my laptop working on the website, designing promotions, doing accounts & paperwork ... or I am out of the house at the workshop.

I worry that I don't have enough quality time with them - that I am too focussed on myself & the business right now and that they will end up resenting me for it. They are at such a critical age at the moment - both of them and I want nothing more than for them to both look back on their childhood and say to people that they had a brilliant childhood!!

In short, I worry I am not doing a good enough job as a mother.

Nathan is a funny one ... because of his "problems" ... I honestly think that as long as he is fed, watered and has access to a computer and his nightly "snuggles" with me on the sofa then he'll be just fine. If I want to actually TALK to him, I need to sit with him on the stairs where there are no distractions and then I'll get all of 5 minutes before he loses interest! He is very hard to actually get inside of because of his ADHD/Aspergers ... but at the same time he is very very loving and we have a wonderful relationship. I can say without question that Nathan hugs are THE best in the world!

It's Megan I worry about. She is nearly ten and those double figures are a scary birthday number for a mother - well, for me anyway! She is so grown up and at the age now where she is really developing as a young lady as well as an individual with her own distinct tastes, likes & dislikes. I'm worried that I work too much and don't spend enough quality time with her. I want her to look back on her childhood and truly know that her Mum was there for her no matter what. I worry that I don't get to spend enough time with her and that there is just "too much to do" with the accounts, working on the website etc when I am at home ... that's when I'm not trying to clean up and stay on top of the housework! The rest of the time she's at school or I'm at work!

I just want my kids to know that the whole reason why I am doing this is for them. I need them to know that I work hard to try to give them a better future and to make up for the mistakes I made in the past. I still make mistakes every single day, but I realised not too long ago that I'm not superwoman and that it is okay not to be able to do everything. Gawd knows I still have a hell of a lot to put them through yet, but I'll take it one day at a time.

Even though I am very much aware of mistakes I've made in the past and I work so hard to try to fix them, I still screw up! I'm not perfect. Far from it. Today for example ... being yelled at twice by two different people for two different reasons. It really brought me down.

Anyway ... I think I need a bath and an early night. It's Monday tomorrow - a new day and a new week.

Hangover is not the word!!!!

Yesterday was great fun!! I went over to Lou's straight after work to take photos of her daughter (R, who is 16) before she went off to her prom! Ohh she looked beautiful - well, all of the girls did ... and it scared me looking at how grown up they all looked because it forced me to think about how that will be me sending Megan off to her prom one day!

Anyway, after we'd seen Ria off, we went for a few drinks in Brighton, then found a nice place to have a meal, then back to Lou's where we indulged in several bottles of wine and put the world to rights before finally dragging ourselves to bed at 4.30am!!

Oooops .... needless to say I woke up feeling decidedly squiffy this morning but as it was self inflicted I couldn't give myself any sympathy so I hauled arse into work to do some packing!

I am definitely DEFINITELY aiming to do the market next week. I've finally found somewhere that I can get the perfect size tables from too! I'd been in a bit of a flap because I'd found tables half the size I wanted from Argos and figured I'd just get two of them ... but UGH they were out of stock, and the closest other stores didn't have them either! If I don't have tables, I don't have a stall! Anyway, a flash of inspiration this evening and I've found them at B&Q plus checked stock and they have them...

Happy bunny!

So anyway, an early night tonight sans alcohol fresh for tomorrow - a full day at work to get as much as possible done!!

Feeling VERY unbirthday!!

It's my birthday on Tuesday next week and I'm feeling the most "unbirthday" that I think I have ever felt! I'm going to be 33 and it's already such a non event! I spoke to my sister on the phone this evening and she asked if it was okay that we didn't do anything the weekend after my birthday as they've made some plans... and my uncle is very *very* ill so my mum is going to be away this weekend, possibly next weekend and chances are she'll be away over my actual birthday anyway!

I'm almost glad in a way that my family are going to be busy! It gives me an excuse not to celebrate it! That sounds weird, and it's not like I want to avoid my birthday in an attempt to avoid getting older - my age doesn't bother me or anything like that ... I just don't feel like I really have anything to celebrate this year!

When I was asked what I wanted for my birthday this year ... ya know I couldn't actually think of anything? Well okay that's not technically true ... I want display tables, a table cloth, a printed vinyl sign and things to set up for the market, plus a list of fragrance oils longer than my two arms put together!!! *sigh* they all refused telling me birthdays are for stuff for ME!

So what DO I want? I can't believe I am saying this but there isn't actually anything I've seen that has cried out "BUY ME!" recently! It's possibly because I'm on such a self imposed spending ban that I don't allow myself to even window shop at the moment! I'm really low on my favourite Jean Paul Gaultier perfume and I need some new comfy flat sandals for the summer (sparkly of course tho in true Dee style!) ... and that's IT!! I'll be working on my birthday anyway ... so it really doesn't matter! LOL

Sad isn't it! There is a whole world of shopping out there at my fingertips and all I can think of for my birthday is perfume and shoes!!