I have been discussing my "dilemma" that I can't post about here with a close friend. She said (and I quote directly!) "Its just mustering up the courage to admit to yourself what you really want with your life."
Damnit I hate it when my friends force me to THINK! Thinking is infinitely dangerous .... but the it is nearly 2am in the morning and I can't sleep ... so thinking may therefore be a GOOD thing.
... ack at any rate I'm thinking ... therefore I am blogging!!!
So ... it's just a case of admitting to yourself what you really want with your life? It's something you think you already know the answer to (especially as a 30 something mother of two!) BUT, the scary thing is, until you actually have to sit down and answer that question you don't necessarily know.
So .... what DO I want from my life?
- I want my children to be happy and for them to have the absolutely best life I can possibly give them, even when it means personal sacrifice.
- I want to wake up in the mornings with a smile on my face, knowing it's a brand new day with brand new opportunities just there for the taking.
- I want the freedom to get paid for something I love doing, while having flexible working hours to fit around my children.
- To live "comfortably." ie have the bills paid, food in the cupboards, clothes on my back and enough pennies leftover in my bank account to be able to buy a gorgeous pair of shoes when the odd occasional urge strikes me without fear of great debt or having to hide them and lie about the cost (not that I have EVER done that!)
- To live near the ocean ALWAYS. I need to be somewhere not far from the water but also somewhere that has countryside and nature so I can escape to solitude when I want to ... but it also has to be close enough "real life", meeting new people and decent shopping!! Basically I need a waterfront, countryside house in the middle of a thriving metropolis! That's not too much to ask, right?
- I want to live in a house where the kitchen is the heart and hub of the home. I want my kids to be there at the table doing their homework as I am cooking dinner, chatting to them and spending time with them.
- I desperately want to have time to stop and smell the flowers every now and again. Maybe photograph a few of them too!
- To spend more time scrapbooking, making cards and just being creative.
- Friends that I can 100% rely on to be there for me as I would be there for them.
- I want to be at least HALF the mother to my kids that my mother was to me. This could be a whole separate post on it's own ... LOL I mean that I want to be there for them - a friend as well as a parent and to have a mutually respectful relationship with them both.
- I want to be happy. Content isn't enough. I need to be happy.
- Another baby. I can't help it. It's on my want list.
What I DON'T want .....
- I don't want my children to suffer in any way, shape or form based on a bad decision that I make.
- I hate having to rely on prescription anti-depressants to reduce my anxiety attacks and the permanent feeling of "impending doom" that I currently live with on a daily basis.
- I don't want to be stressed anymore. These days I get stressed to the point that I can potentially have several panic attacks a day and it's affecting so many other areas of my life as well.
- I don't want to be constantly *and I do mean constantly* worried about money and debts. Everybody is entitled to the odd money worry (apart from the rich bastards!) but I know I probably worry TOO much and if I were just to bite the bullet ...
- I never want to lose touch with good friends. It occurred to me writing this that there is a really good friend - C who I have known for YEARS whose birthday it is tomorrow ... and who I haven't seen or spoken to in almost a year... I feel dreadful about that. She could have just as easily picked up the phone to me - but for whatever reason we've kinda lost touch. I need to re-kindle some old friendships to make sure they don't die.
- To make the wrong decision.
- To compromise for the sake of "an easy life".
There, that wasn't so hard - it's just a mega HUGE list that I could never achieve... that I could also keep adding to and adding to the more I think about it!! I'm going to stop now or I really could be here all night and it's late enough already!
Maybe happiness is over-rated after all.
Courtesy of instructions from phydeaux3
