OMG BUSY!!!!!!

The last few days have officially all rolled in to one! Today has been a day from hell but it's too late at night and I am too tired to get into it right now - it'll have to wait! UGH I am busy, stressed and there is too much to do and not enough time to do it all...

Plus my wax melter died ... yeah don't ask!

I am so pissed off.............

Okay good stuff first then I'll get to my moan of the day!!

I have new labels! OMG they look sooooo fantastic! I should have taken my camera in to work with me today, but I forgot ... my bad - I'll take pics tomorrow! I had created a new design for the labels based on the new logo. I showed L ... who suggested I tweak it slightly by changing one little thing and all of a sudden they look properly "branded" rather than generic and "samey"

It's funny --- whenever I have new packaging, all of a sudden I love doing the "monkey work" .... hehehe I'm sure the novelty will wear off!

Okay so the moan.

I am so utterly pissed off at home right now. I'm working my proverbial backside off daily and I feel that I get very little support for it from hub. He claims to be supportive and will stand there and argue the toss with me about how he is being supportive ... but he isn't! His salary puts a roof over my head and food on the table ... but it doesn't mean that what I do isn't important!

I don't have the luxury of being able to leave early in the morning and finish at 5pm. I have to fit my working hours into the time that the children are at school, then I go back evenings and weekends if I have to. I am working my backside off to try to build the business back up. I've invested hours and hours of my time to build it into something for the future - for my future and for the kids.

Hub has been complaining about HIS LACK OF WEEKENDS!!! It makes me so angry. He expects it to be absolutely fine for me to just not go into work for an entire weekend and either have to fit more into less hours or fall behind with orders ... just so that HE can go and do HIS stuff.

How is that supportive???

The latest one??? AFTER we had already had an argument about how unimportant my work is and how he doesn't get time at weekends ... he told me he wanted to go out on Saturday 26th - some bike or canoe thing - I didn't really pay much attention to the "what" because I couldn't believe it - not only did he blatantly not listen to me earlier in the day about how I need the weekends ... the 26th is the weekend after his daughter's birthday ... the weekend I have got 3 of her friends coming over to all go to the cinema and then pizza and a sleepover! Yeah okay hub, what do I do with Nathan while you are off doing whatever it is you want to do while I am with our daughter and her friends?!?!!

Is that selfish of me? Am *I* being the selfish one? Should I just cause myself MORE stress and MORE worry by having to work harder and faster during the day while the children are at school just so that he can have a weekend to do whatever he wants to do??

On the upside I wore new shoes today - so at least the bad parts of the day had a bit of sparkle to them.

What a week and it's not even Friday yet!!

I cancelled everything for this morning so that I could be in first thing to fax the paperwork to Nominet... R from the other unit said I could borrow his fax and we double checked that it had worked. T also came in for a couple of hours and we sat down and packaged up a batch of wedding favour orders... a monotonous job so it's good to have someone to chat to while you do it!

Anyway, just before leaving work this afternoon I called Nominet to check that they had received the fax okay with all the domain transfer details and they hadn't had the fax! Grrrr!! R was out at the time so I've now got to leave it until tomorrow!

*sigh*

It has absolutely knackered me out as well. This whole week has been totally exhausting - I actually nodded off on the sofa earlier and was late picking Megan up from Brownies! I'm gonna get me a nice early night tonight and SLEEEEEEEEEEEP!!

I can't wait for things to finally settle down so I can chill out and sit here with a grin on my face again!!

Oh FFS it's just one thing after another ....

So this morning my website had been down for five days and I decided it was about time to go nuclear on my hosts. I had got fed up with being fobbed off about how "engineers are working on it." I sat me down with the phone before I went into work and spent around 20 minutes on the phone to tech support. The guy actually seemed fairly helpful (compared to the knobs I'd spoken to before) and he said that I should delete ALL the files from my server and then re-upload them all.

Sounded reasonable ... so I did that. Nothing - nada, zip. Website still offline despite the fact that the brand spankingly newly uploaded files are there on the server! I've had websites for 9 years - I'm not exactly a newbie at this!

So anyway, I call back and (after spending 15 mins on hold for the tech support guy (I use that term VERY losely) to read the notes) I am told that this person will look into it and email me a response. I even checked he had my hotmail email addy so I can check it whether I am at home or work.

Did I get an email? Did I ****!

Soooooooo by this time I've got to work and I'm trying to stay chilled and focused. I call them back AGAIN, am put on hold for notes reading and account checking AGAIN ... and am finally told that they will refresh the server and to check the site in 20 minutes.

30 mins later no website. I give it another half hour - so over an hour after my last call ... and I call back AGAIN. Another forever on hold and I'm told that a supervisor is going to look into it and will call me back. I verify that they have both of my mobile phone numbers!

No call... but what I DID get was an automated email from them thanking me for getting in touch and confirming my account deletion.

By this time I am flapping, checking DNS servers, registrant details and there's nothing ... I still own the domain but my host basically de-tagged me and deleted me (despite the fact that I PAY for this service!) and left me with absolutely no hosting for my website whatsoever .... without my consent!!!

The host in question is madasafish. I didn't choose them - they bought out the company I was originally hosting with. The tech support are useless. I must have phoned eleventy hundred times in the last 5 days and not ONCE have I spoken to someone with an accent I can actually understand. I am not racist - in any way shape or form, I just believe it is bad business to employ people with a very strong foreign accent to work in customer call centres!! I understand the reason for doing it - it creates jobs in countries where work is desperately needed ... and I'm all for people working for a living, but damnit when you need TECHNICAL SUPPORT ... when you are tearing your hear out with a problem that these people are supposed to be able to help you with, then you need to actually understand what they are saying!!!

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

There was a point during the afternoon where I actually broke down in tears and just sat on the floor! It has honestly felt like just one thing after another for so long ... and this was the icing on the cake!!

So anyway ... after pulling myself together combined with a couple of phone calls to Nominet later, and a chat with Easily.co.uk who host all of my other websites ... I am getting the domain transferred to Easily!! It will cost me £10 plus VAT for the transfer fee through Nominet, and then the new domain registration fee from Easily.co.uk (which is fairly minimal) for 2 years hosting.

Soooo tomorrow morning I need to fax this huge ass form I've had to print and fill in back to Nominet ... I've paid Easily online for the domain, so they should be ready to catch the domain as soon as it is released.

Phew! All I then need to do is come up with £100 odd for the hosting cost ... I'll worry about that one tomorrow!!!

Ditzy & Scattered ....

So there's a change eh ...

It's been a weird day. I have had a funny tingling feeling for the last two days. It's almost like a lightheaded "head rush". I felt like this a few weeks ago and it's weird to explain... I can only put it down to anxiety and stress.

I'm so worried about money at the moment. The business HAS to improve and do better and it WILL... I'll make sure of that *sigh* I've just had a shitty day today! It feels like I work my butt off for absolutely nothing in return and it's getting to the point where I really have had enough now. I deserve more from life than this.

Deep Breath (a quick one!!)

I can't stop to breathe properly just yet though! A few deep breaths and then get my head back down is about all I can manage!

The kids are on half term and it's just not practical to take them into the workshop with me, so I spent a good part of the day engrossed in my paperwork and getting some of my figures inputted into excel spreadsheets as that's all stuff I can do from home. I only got two and a half months worth of data entered, but I felt good about it as I had still technically been "working" during the day today even though I wasn't pouring wax.

It's crazy that I feel I somehow have to justify it to myself when I don't go into the workshop during the day. I am the only one that I have to answer to, and I'm definitely my own worst critic! I went into work for a couple of hours this evening to pack up orders and that made it okay ... but meanwhile I'm going to be a few days behind on orders after half term is finished... and that means that I have stress and anxiety incoming ... oh joy!

I have SO much to do and SO few hours to get it all done in, but the weird thing is that since I actually started tackling this all head on and making real roads with the paperwork and accounts, I've not had a single panic attack or any "stress bubbles" (like nervous butterflies in my stomach). There is seriously a phenomenal amount still to do ... but I know I can do it! Even what I did today on my spreadsheet still has things missing that I need to go back and add in (like my merchant account processing charges, cash receipts and a breakdown of my business credit card statements etc) but it's going well!

Once I have got all of my ducks in order, everything will be working perfectly and my new systems are running beautifully ... it will be worth the agony in the long run!

It's been a good day in all though - with my achievements for the day plus other reasons that I can't mention here... I have a smile on my face! It's always good to smile and I haven't done it often enough recently!

Grrrrrrrrr LOL

I woke up with astronomical toothache around 5am and it took a while for the painkillers to kick in, so by the time my alarm went off I really hadn't had enough sleep and woke up feeling groggy this morning. I swear toothache is WORSE than childbirth! At least with childbirth it's pain with a purpose and it may hurt like hell, but at least you know it's going to end!

This toothache is killing me. I'd originally thought that it was related to my period because it seemed to hit when I was on ... but even that has been hard to track recently. I didn't have a period for a few months after Christmas, then I had a nasty heavy one ... then I've had two in the last 5 weeks ... this last one has really dragged on too, but it seems to have finished today and I still have the toothache. If I could afford the dentist - I'd go ... meanwhile I'll just keep relying on painkillers!

I still went into work this mornig ready to crack on despite feeling like crap because my newfound motivation won't let a lil thing like toothache get in the way! I seriously felt like curling up on the sofa in my "staff room" and just going to sleep, but instead I got some orders poured, made some hurricanes for stock and paperwork wise, I have got my most outstanding year now filed into date order in my filing cabinet!!! Yeah, I rock!!

In true "Dee style" I've got pretty coloured dividers separating the months out so it's organised AND pretty LOL and I bought a pink notepad to staple my current cash receipts into! LOL Tomorrow's plan is to start on the rest of the filing and I've set myself a target of this weekend to have it ALL filed in monthly order! By next week I need to be going through my old bank statements (which I have also found and filed!!!) to add up all of the incomings and outgoings year by year. Once I reach that point, I'll be able to make an appointment with my local tax office and they will help me to fill in the returns once I have the numbers. This totally negates the need to pay an accountant and saves money -- something I love to do!!! Okay so I won't have a full accounts listing for those outstanding years, but I'll know the numbers and I'll be able to work out exactly what I owe the tax man and I'll have the paperwork to back it all up.

Plus ... with L's help I have been working out exactly what my current costs are ... ie the essential things that I need to pay to keep the business afloat and I have a much better idea of what actually constitutes a good and bad week now!!

The thing that has frustrated me today is that all of the data entry I did last night into QuickBooks has all been for nothing because I realised this afternoon that it was all screwy!! I realised this when I was invoicing a customer and recording it as paid, then marking the actual payment into my bank register ... I figured it was registering the payment twice as far as income goes and thereby giving a false profit reading! This is not good!! It's what you get for a free download version huh!

I do actually own a full working copy of QuickBooks with the key code and registration code .... mine is the 2001 version and I rang QuickBooks customer service hoping to get a download site so that I could re-install it without the CD, but unfortunately my version is so old now that they no longer support it! The woman I spoke to was really helpful and said that as I was an existing customer I can get the current 2008 pro version for a discounted price AND I could pay monthly via direct debit. I snapped it up! It also includes an upgrade to the 2009 version when that's ready. CDs are on the way and that will then be my way of getting the current financial year (from April 1st onwards) absolutely 100% up to date!

I haven't had a single anxiety attack or felt the real "rush" of stress and panic since I started going through the paperwork last Thursday. Funny that eh. The crazy thing is that I've know all along that THIS has been one of the root causes of my stress, yet it's been the thing that I have avoided doing for so frigging long now. I'm still very worried about it all because the more I get involved with the numbers, the more I worry I can't afford to make it ... but that just makes me MORE determined to sort it all out!!

2 pep talks, good friends & sleeping pills!

God what a day. I managed to fall asleep around 4am - then my alarm went off at 7.30 which is the absolute latest I can get up in the morning and still manage to leave the house in time to get the kids to school.

I did take me to the doctor this morning though for a repeat prescription of my happy pills. She was really great and listened to all of my waffle about my lack of sleep and my weird tingling & heavy legs, and then asked me if I've had any increased activity and any increased stress! It was all I could do not to laugh because err yes and hell yes in that order! She said all of the things I described (and it's definitely called restless legs) were all more symptoms of anxiety and that re-joining the gym and getting more exercise is changing the natural rhythm of my body and that it should settle down. She gave me a bit of a pep talk about staying positive and trying to be more optimistic than pessimistic.

... she also gave me something to help me sleep. I've got 10 days worth of Zopiclone which is apparently a "hypnotic" drug. It decreases the amount of time it takes for you to fall asleep ... and increases the amount of time you stay asleep so I shouldn't wake in the middle of the night unless I need the loo or something!!!

This afternoon I popped over to see a friend - and got my second pep talk of the day! L has been a really good friend for the last couple of years and totally "gets" me. L kinda sat there this afternoon and kicked me up the ass (figuratively speaking!) and told me pretty much point blank that if I want to get out of this situation then I HAVE to do something about it .... and fast. The truth is, once I've got the paperwork sorted, it'll be a huge weight off my mind and will probably go a very long way to reducing my stress levels too.

L is very VERY good with numbers and has also offered to help me get set up with a proper system for going forward so that no matter how far behind I am with the paperwork ... I won't ever get MORE behind.

Where would we be without great friends?

Anyway, I've taken my pill for the night ... so I'm off to bed!

2.45am "restless legs" and late night mutterings

I DESERVE sleep. I don't deserve to have heavy restless legs that won't leave me alone. After all I have been through over the last few days, I DESERVE to get a good night's sleep. I spent the evening fairly chilled and relaxed, watched some TV then went to bed around 11pm. Unfortunately an hour later at just past midnight I was still laying there and my legs just felt so heavy and uncomfortable. Restless is the best way to describe it and it sucks.

I got up, made a hot cocoa, had a smoke, watched some Sex in the City re-runs and attempted sleep again around 1am. That didn't last long - it's now getting on for 3am ... I have to be up in just over four hours and for the third night in a row, I'll have had bugger all sleep.

My shitty weekend

Stop the world, I WANT TO GET OFF.

I have worked SO hard and stressed SO much over the last few days and worked myself to the bone. I have completely exhausted myself mentally and physically, and it just feels like it is all for nothing. I've been feeling very unwell - dizzy spells and weird tingly feelings all over my body, and sooooooo tired. The fact that I didn't crash my car driving home from the show today was just a bloody miracle.

The photo taking in Chichester yesterday ended up as a total non event. We started a bit of a walk round, but A is suffering at the moment with a really bad back and he was very obviously in pain .... so we found a pub and had a few drinks while we waited for hub & F to come back. I won't say that I wasn't *slightly* annoyed (okay that's an understatement - I was very annoyed) because I had to go through SO much to get everything done for the show in time to go out for the afternoon. Then, I feel bad for feeling that because it wasn't A's fault - he was well up for it ... just in pain.

Still ... in the grand scheme of things it didn't help my stress levels with wasted time that I could have been working. THEN on top of it all, hub and I had a huge massive fight last night. I don't remember what time I finally fell asleep ... but it was late.

I then had to get up really early this morning and left for the show at Fontwell Racecourse in plenty of time. Megan was with me and I swear had it not been for her in the car then I probably would have lost it totally. I couldn't find the turnoff for it! How crazy is that? I've driven past it like a gazillion times ... but the entrance that I thought was the entrance - well, it wasn't!! I ended up going in completely the wrong direction and having to drive for ages to find a roundabout to get back the other way. It ended up taking forever. I felt my stress levels rising higher and higher until I was in floods of tears in the car!

I am angry with myself for allowing that to happen in front of Megan. It's not exactly the first time she's witnessed a meltdown, but I should have held it together better. I didn't show her a very good example of coping... We finally got there with just a few minutes until it opened so it was mega-speedy unpacking the stock and getting it all set up.

The final pisser? It was a really dreadful show and I only just really covered costs. There were hardly any people through the door - it was sooooo quiet. I can stand there smiling for 6 hours when it's worth it ... but standing there for 6 hours when it's deader than a dodo ... when I'm already feeling dizzy and unwell was not good. Megan kept me together though ... hehee she said it wasn't a bad day because we did make some money and we got free cake! Bless her.

Still ... it makes me continue to question WTF I am actually doing? If I am getting so wound up and so stressed all because of work ... is it REALLY worth it? This weekend - in fact the past few days have been so full on and nonstop and it just feels like it's all for nothing.I want to achieve my dream and get a shop because I know damned well I have a great product ... but I don't know how much more of this I can take.

A non day ........

After being awake until 3am in the morning (and consuming half a bottle of wine between 1.30-3am - don't ask!!) I've had a real fuzzy head for most of the day. I couldn't go into the workshop first thing because if the police had stopped me en-route, I would probably have still been over the limit so I just didn't chance it. Went in for a few hours this afternoon and did the necessary.

Still no new orders .... it's getting worse.

You'll have to excuse me - I'm feeling melancholy today.

Certainly the most interesting Monday in a while!!

My day started off with me almost having a heart attack! I'd used my card in the hole in the wall of my local bank, and then gone straight into the branch to pay in a cheque. I hadn't realised that although I'd put my number in, requested the money and taken my card ... I hadn't actually taken the cash. A lady came in with my money in her hand while I was queuing up and said "I think you left this in the machine."

I actually picked the lady up and hugged her. I wish I could have thought more at the time to at least ask this lady her name - and I was so in shock that I doubt I would recognise her even if I saw her again.

I was gobsmacked - truly and completely (it doesn't happen often that I am so stuck for words!!!) but I was so surprised that it was returned to me safely. Funny ... the cashier saw it all happen and she said to me that someone was looking out for me that day! I was actually physically shaking because the household is pretty short of cash right now. That was literally all I had ... and I told her that I felt the need to go find someone to do a good turn for to pay it forward!! She said no... she said when things like that happen to good people it is because they deserve it.

That's a nice thought huh ... considering how STRESSED I have been lately and how much I do for other people that there has actually been some good karma repaid to me.

I've had a really weird day as a result, but it's got to 9pm and I have a smile on my face so that's gotta be good ... right? LOL Plus, my migraine has been "better" - not gone completely but better ... and my toothache is calming down too! Thank goodness for prescription drugs huh!!

My period ... plus headache & toothache - oh joy, lucky me

It is official - I have the killer period from hell. I could probably cope with the stomach cramps, the lower backache and being slightly more emotional than usual - but damnit my body has to throw in an evil toothache and then just to finish me off completely, a headache too.

Short version of the day - my stress levels have been rising VERY VERY high and I've had a couple of "small" panic attacks throughout the day. A friend actually witnessed a part of it - and no matter what, I always try not to let people see how bad I can get when my anxiety and stress levels rise.

Thankfully, the friend who was there turned out to be the perfect person to talk me through it. I don't know what I would have done without being able to just talk and breathe and that point and have someone just listen, tell me I CAN get through this and remind me of light at the end of the tunnel.

I'd had a headache all day, but by the time I had picked up the kids from school, the toothache was much worse, and that was the point the headache seriously kicked in and made me wonder whether it was actually a migraine instead of just a headache. I took a first dose of pain killers at that point, then by 4pm I felt myself going downhill rapidly.

I did some research earlier and I think I have what is very affectionately termed "menstrual migraine" caused by a drop in oestrogen ... remember I'd had no period for 3 months and then I decided to stop taking the pill so I could try to have a natural cycle (it's been six weeks since I stopped the pill) so there is my reduction in oestrogen!

I feel dizzy and off balance like I've been on a roundabout and my head is killing me. Bright lights make it worse and all the while I stay relatively still, it hurts less. Moving around definitely makes it much worse.

So hi ho, hi ho it's off to take more pills I go ....

OMG what did I JUST say about normal service being resumed??

OMG I don't believe this ... I totally believe this ... it's ME after all! If it is bound to go wrong ... then it WILL go wrong!! That's just the way it goes!

So I had literally JUST posted from the workshop that normal service was resumed after the BT / internet fiasco and finally had my internet connection up and running again. I'd sat down at the computer for a quick lunch break (ok coffee and smoke!) and meanwhile turned on my mini hobs to get them up to temperature and melt some leftover wax that I had in a jug.

I went back into the pouring room after I'd finished my coffee and my bloody heat source had DIED! Not just dead but beyond dead. Damnit! I use a big melter to actually melt my wax, then I keep it at temperature on one of these (as in the photo) while I prep the moulds etc before I pour. Without this heat source, there is no WAY I can make candles - the wax needs to be at a specific temperature to pour it ... so yet again I am going to be BEHIND on my orders. I've been in a highly motivated mood all morning too - and thankfully I did get SOME things made before it died ... but I was planning on being there today until literally 3pm when I have to pick the children up from school!

Unfortunately ... by 12.30 this afternoon I was on my way home because there was literally nothing to do without heat for the wax!! I've ordered a new one that will be here by 10.30am tomorrow ... and meanwhile I'm sat at home! It may sound great to some, but I'd actually rather be working right now! I was so in the mood to get tons of orders cleared ready to pack up tomorrow!! Instead I will do some work on the catalogues and the redesign of the price lists for the summer, maybe design some new wedding labels. *sigh*

So ummm "Normal Service" hopefully will actually be back just after 10.30am tomorrow morning when I get my delivery!!

A week hardly worthy of note!!!

LOL well it's true! It's been pretty much a "non week" really. I was a bit unwell at the start of this week .... not "ill" - just wasn't feeling right and had a few cold type symptoms that had me feeling under the weather. I guess it made me just kinda un-motivated and a bit crappy really! LOL

Orders at work have been slow but still coming in at the moment, and considering a recent stock market crash in the USA and talk of recession very much over the news ... I'm still fairly confident that things are going okay!

I have organised a new accountant as well. They are coming in on Tuesday next week to look things over and hopefully I can just hand over my boxes of paperwork and they will get me all nicely up to date!! That will actually then be the LAST thing off of my worry list when the tax man is off my back!

Talking of my worry list -- I have noticed that some of my stress symptoms are coming back again ... the "bubbling" in the pit of my stomach and the way it starts to rush all the way throughout my body. I CAN control it though, and I'm sure that's down to my happy pills! As soon as I feel it start, I am aware of it and I can control it until it reduces and fades away. This is a very good thing!

Today (Friday) is an inset day at school - Nathan made me laugh hysterically when he called it "insect day!" LOL .... visions of creepy crawlies and bugs! We did agree that it should forever more be called insect day though! LOL

I've taken the day off work as hub is in London and the kids are off school with "insect day" .... soooo I am in the middle of a mass house clean - Dee always feels better when she lives in a shiny sparkly world! :-)

Resolutions?? Nope, not me!!

I never make New Years Resolutions. EVER.

I am a firm believer that if there is something you need to change about yourself then you need to just DO IT instead of waiting for a date on the calendar. What's the point of overeating at Christmas and promising yourself you will diet/join a gym in the new year?

Sooo many people use today - 1st January as an excuse to give up things like smoking and drinking .... but as the bumper sticker on the back of my car says "I gave up smoking, drinking and sex - it was the worst 15 mins of my life!" Nope, I don't actually have ANYTHING that I want to give up for the new year!

There are changes I want to make in my life for sure, but these have been on-going changes that I have been working on for a while - things like trying to be less stressed (not working when I've fallen out with someone I am close to) and eating better (again not working when I have no appetite due to stress!) but I didn't suddenly wait until new year to make the changes! Funnily enough I did feel nauseous today and it was when I was getting myself wound up about the person I'd fallen out with. More proof that the throwing up was due to stress!!

2008 HAS to be a better year. It has to - or I quit!!!

It's official - I'm a genius - albeit a very tired one!!

Okay yes so I am a genius! I KNEW I would pay for my late night by being overtired today, but it doesn't matter... it was SO worth it! I had been a little worried that looking at it all in the cold light of day would reveal several errors and mistakes, but the truth is ... it looked good!!! The start that I made on the re-vamped website in the wee small hours really did pay off,so my tiredness today has been a happy balance!

B was in at work for a couple of hours, so I took the opportunity to leave when she did! I spent most of the afternoon drifting between working on the website, watching crap daytime TV and quietly drifting off to sleep! I set my phone alarm to beep at 2.50pm to get the kids just incase I fell deeply asleep instead of merely inspecting the insides of my eyelids!

I also had what would have previously been a "Major Stress Event" this afternoon when my laptop lead finally packed up! I knew it wasn't going to last forever but seriously ... when I was bang slap in the middle of a "flow of inspiration" this afternoon was a REALLY bad time! Thankfully I managed to stay calm, be resourceful and phone around local computer shops until I tracked one down!!!

A few months ago that could have been another meltdown!!! Praise be to the god of happy pills for keeping me sane!!!!

It's nearly midnight and I have forced myself to stay up to a "normal" bedtime for me ... I've got the website to the point where the main index page is totally done aside from replacing photos with new ones (a whole other new project!!) and minor tweaking!!!!

Feeling tired, worn out, baggy eyed .... but very chuffed with myself!!!

Still grinning!!!

The phone carried on being non stop yesterday and I found myself so engrossed in work and getting on with things that I managed to just about get home in time to pick the children up from school! I had call after call - party bookings, order enquiries and people just telling me how great I was!!! LOL

Today has been a really good day too. I haven't had any staff in this week so I have had to work harder, but somehow I just seem more energised and more motivated than I have felt in a long time.

I think part of it is because this time last year when it was ALL **** I promised myself that I would give it until Christmas before making a decision on whether it's all actually worth it, or whether I am better off just selling up and being done with it. I could have worked MUCH harder this year, it's true and I could have put more into it, but to be perfectly honest it hasn't been the best year in my personal life which has made concentrating on the business that much harder. It hasn't really been a fair deal that I made myself.

Next year will be different. I am NOT going to sell up. I am NOT going to fail. Things have already picked up and as long as I carry on being pro-active in my marketing and making sure people know that I exist - then I WILL succeed!!!

A good day all round ... again! I shall have to be careful or this will become a habit!!

My mum said something nice to me today....

Gawd that actually sounds like she never says anything nice but I don't mean it like that! She says lots of nice things often!! Okay bit of background on the start of the day!

I rang the doctor first this morning to make an appointment to go down and get a repeat prescription for my tablets and was able to go down within a couple of hours. The doc asked me how I'd been doing on the tablets and I said that I'd noticed the physical aspects of the anxiety had definitely lessened - I told her that I loved them! That in the month I had been on them I had noticed a real physical difference and that I could feel the stress levels just bubbling instead of boiling, but that my friends and family had mentioned more of an "emotional" difference in me. I grinned at that and doc said that they do usually take some time to work and that it was good I'd noticed a difference already. I really like this doctor - she is the first one that really listened to me and I've been seeing her since when I first went down there about being sick. She also made sure I was exercising still and making an effort with reducing stress in other aspects of my life. She's good - I really like her.

So back to mother and the nice thing!! I spoke to her on the phone today to let her know I'd been back to the doctor today and I repeated what I'd said about friends and family noticing a difference over the last month - she laughed and emphatically agreed! I asked her to explain what she meant and she found it really difficult to put into words but that what she was trying to say was that her daughter was back.

I was really touched by that. It put a smile on my face :-)

Crikey where did the last 3 days go????

Well work has been pretty frantic to say the least! I honestly can't believe where the last few days have gone and it's Saturday evening already! Ohhh yeah, I've been working, working and working some more! LOL

I went into work for a bit today to do a little bit of catch up and I found myself getting worried about the order levels ... as in I don't have many current orders in... I could feel my stress starting to rise until I reminded myself that I've actually been fairly on top of orders recently so things are being poured, packed and going out quickly ... which is exactly WHY there aren't many current orders!!

I don't have enough hours in the day to get everything done, but I am finding myself starting to worry again about what I still need to do AND the fact that I don't have enough to do! Yeah, figure THAT one out!!! It isn't as if I am behind on orders at all, (aside from one but that's in hand) yet I still find the panic rising as I stand there and look at the few current orders that are in at the moment. It's the middle of November - people should be starting to buy for Christmas by now. I should have MORE orders, that's the problem!!! I'm up on where I was this time last year, but waaaay down on where I was a couple of years ago and that makes me depressed.

I also worry about the fact that I can either afford to make a payment towards my rent (that I am behind on) or order wax. If I don't order wax I won't be able to fill orders, so this week the priority has to be on wax.

I did however siphon off (I just learned how to actually spell siphon and I PRIDE myself on my spelling & grammar!) some cash to buy myself a pretty new bra and matching thong this afternoon! Megan needed a new dressing gown so I took her up to M&S, and after we were done shopping for her, I found myself in the lingerie department! I love that store because they are one of the only places locally where you can buy a pretty F cup bra off the shelf and trained fitters to help you out!! I also picked myself up a couple of pairs of black french knickers and some plain black "no VPL" boyshorts. 4 pairs for a tenner - couldn't resist THAT one!!!

OK more happy stuff, I love the fact that the workshop is clean and tidy! I really wish I'd done it months ago! It was this time last week I started on the mass clean up and a week later I've stayed on top of it and it's still all clean and tidy! It's so nice to walk in there and not have to sigh because the place is an absolute sh*t tip! Candlemaking IS messy work - FACT, so it will never be spotless and "Dee-Clean" but it's looking good!!