Nathan's Birthday :-)

Well he made it to 8 years old!! I do have some pics, but I've had such a hectic day (more about that later) that I haven't had a chance to download anything yet!

Nathan had a fabulous day - pressies in the morning and he got a new Nintendo DS (his third one due to breaking them GRRRR!) with a new game from his dad and me ... some Ben 10 toys from his Aunt & Uncle, a cheque from his Gran and a football & England watch from his Nan.

In the past we have always gone waaaaaay overboard with presents, but this year I'd purposely said to hub that I didn't want to be spending a fortune on extra little bits and pieces because a) we can't afford to, and b) we are spending £100 between us on a new DS AND a new game!!

To be honest, Nathan loved what he got, he's a happy boy, and I don't think he missed out AT ALL with "quantity" because he does understand the value of what he got too.

Apparently he had an "awesome" day at school too! Always good to hear!

This evening we all went out for a family meal at the restaurant around the corner (The Sussex Potter) at Nathan's choice! Ate waaaay too much, had fabulous desserts, made a complete mess and thoroughly enjoyed ourselves!

Where's Dee up to with the paperwork I hear you asking?

Well, so kind of you to ask! LOL Okay so my mission today was to sort through the oldest papedwork and get that in month order... nice big tick on the ole checklist there! Tomorrow the plan is to START 2005 month order filing and get some orders poured. I sent out a fair few boxes today, got paperwork filed AND I have even organised a system to file all of the current and future paperwork too!

Damn I am actually loving sorting all of this out --- I just WISH I had got off of my giant (slowly shrinking thanks to the gym) backside months --- no, years ago! *sigh* I'd be in a MUCH better position today if I was *insert more deep sighing and regret* Ack ok enough with the self butt kicking ... I'm sorting it out NOW and really getting into it!! At work today amidst a massive circle of paperwork (12 months in a year = 12 piles of papers!) .... I stopped and just smiled to myself because I feel like weight is being lifted from me daily ... hahaha no wonder the gym is working for me ... I'm exercising my stress calories away!!

Anyway ... (lol I do ramble huh)

This evening my mission is to input every customer I've had since April 1st 2008 into my newly installed QuickBooks and raise an invoice through the software so that I can see straight away exactly how much I'm making currently. I'm not going to allow myself to go to bed until it's done! I've got 3 more weeks of customers to input from the bank statement up to the current date, then I just have to add the ones from the shopping cart that I haven't been paid for yet .... but I'll forgive myself not doing that bit until tomorrow - well, depending on what time it is when I'm done with this lot anyway!!

A couple of people even commented today that I am sounding happier and looking better! I swear it could be a combination of losing that extra 3lbs outside of my comfort zone, braving up to sorting through the paperwork ... or all manner of outside influences and you wanna know what? I don't care! I feel more positive right now than I've felt in a l-o-n-g time and it feels great! I can face the world and whatever is thrown at me tomorrow because I'm not going to sweat the small stuff anymore (nope gonna file it instead! HAH!) and damnit forget the present --- I'm living for the future from now onwards!!!!

Okay time to come down from my cloud and get my head back into these numbers!!!

A blah Tuesday with a minor alcohol panic!

I had totally forgotten that when I was at the little show in Chichester a couple of weeks ago, a woman approached me and asked me if I'd like to do a small 2 hour event just up the road on 1st March ... which is this Saturday! DOH! I said I would be very up for it as it's Mothers day on Sunday so it's a good chance to sell people some "little extra bits!" LOL

Thankfully the organiser called me and asked me if I was still interested in going along or I would have forgotten all about it!! Needless to say I spent a good part of the day today (after I'd sent out some essential orders) making lots of mothers day appropriate stuff and a ton of flip flop candles!! These are really cute and I make them in all kinds of different colours. I've got them on sale on the website at the moment and I'll do a special price for them this weekend too! I'm also going to be making up gift sets with some of my leftover frosted gift bags and they will be £20 worth for £10... surprise bags but all with nice stuff in - a way to get rid of some CDs, some old floating candles & bits and pieces I have in the workshop that are PERFECT for mothers day! Fingers crossed for a good one - it's only two hours, but a lot can be sold in two hours, especially if I take my good luck Megan with me! Hehehe

Other than that it's been a bit of a blah day today ... well, compared to yesterday! I got chatting with my friend Lisa today before picking the kids up from school and we've arranged another girlie chat session on Thursday evening ... dangerous those as we totally pick the world to pieces! I NEEEED a girlie chat right now that even the happy pills can't mellow out! There is sooooo much going on inside my head it's dangerous.. and there IS stuff I can't write here in the public domain or I'd be arrested ... LOL okay well mebbe not arrested ... unless you can get arrested for thinking!! HAH!!

For example .... and I totally filched this image off the web. If it's yours I apologise for my filchiness, but it was so utterly fitting I had to grab it!

One of the things I've been worried about (that I CAN post in public!) is the amount I am drinking at the moment... but ALL of my girlfriends that I have talked to seem to drink around the same amount I do, so we're all either perfectly normal or raging alcoholic piss heads! LOL

Yeah let's not answer that question eh! LOL

Nah, in all seriousness I did some research online because I do find myself having a wee glass of wine or four most evenings now ... and I wanted to know if that is REALLY bad or just bad as in not good for me etc. Not good for me I can handle, but ending up an alcoholic? Naaaaahhhhh I've watched WAY too much Jeremy Kyle for that one!! HAHA ... okay I am joking again (Hmmm note to self - am doing that a LOT!)

Rosé wine is just SO drinkable and refreshing ... plus it's PINK! LOL! I gotta admit I'm a red wine gal out of choice, but I hate the ring it leaves around my lips in the morning and the baggy head it gives me! White wine has to be a GOOD white or it just tastes like frigging vinegar!! Sooooo Rosé is perfectly in the middle!!

Anyway, from what I read ... apparently although I do have a few glasses of wine most nights, I am not at risk (currently) of that changing to alcoholic level. I don't get up in the morning and think "must have a drink" ... I don't leave work early to come home and have a drink .... and don't ever drink during the day (except sometimes on weekends sometimes it's around 4-5ish! LOL) and "family life" isn't affected by alcohol ... well, except that sometimes you gotta stop off after dog walking to pick up more alcohol!

So anyway, it's only 9.30pm but my bed is calling me for an early night tonight!! Hopefully going out Friday night and it'll be an all nighter so I'd best get my beauty sleep now!!!

Half term H*LL

Well if you hadn't already guessed it's been a helluva week and it's only Tuesday. UGH. Yeah, and this is pretty much how I am feeling!!!

It's not that the kids haven't behaved themselves, but it's just so hard to keep them amused/entertained without relying on the TV or their computers when I still have to go into the workshop, and still have to clean up the house and work on website stuff etc. If I had the money I'd send them off to a half term club where they get stimulation, activities and lots of fun .... *sigh* one day!

On the upside, the Sun newspaper is doing £19.50pp holidays to Europe ... I am so collecting the vouchers! I wanna take the kids on a decent holiday this year!

Still, I'm back to feeling melancholy again. I realised I hadn't taken my happy pill yesterday so I'm wondering if that's why, but they take such a long time to build up in your system that I doubt missing the odd one would make a huge difference ... that's why you have to be weaned off of them.

Ugh I don't know! I just wish I knew where I was heading and where I'm going. I need to know that all of this stress and struggle is actually going to be worth it in the long run, or whether I am just simply wasting my time ...

A week hardly worthy of note!!!

LOL well it's true! It's been pretty much a "non week" really. I was a bit unwell at the start of this week .... not "ill" - just wasn't feeling right and had a few cold type symptoms that had me feeling under the weather. I guess it made me just kinda un-motivated and a bit crappy really! LOL

Orders at work have been slow but still coming in at the moment, and considering a recent stock market crash in the USA and talk of recession very much over the news ... I'm still fairly confident that things are going okay!

I have organised a new accountant as well. They are coming in on Tuesday next week to look things over and hopefully I can just hand over my boxes of paperwork and they will get me all nicely up to date!! That will actually then be the LAST thing off of my worry list when the tax man is off my back!

Talking of my worry list -- I have noticed that some of my stress symptoms are coming back again ... the "bubbling" in the pit of my stomach and the way it starts to rush all the way throughout my body. I CAN control it though, and I'm sure that's down to my happy pills! As soon as I feel it start, I am aware of it and I can control it until it reduces and fades away. This is a very good thing!

Today (Friday) is an inset day at school - Nathan made me laugh hysterically when he called it "insect day!" LOL .... visions of creepy crawlies and bugs! We did agree that it should forever more be called insect day though! LOL

I've taken the day off work as hub is in London and the kids are off school with "insect day" .... soooo I am in the middle of a mass house clean - Dee always feels better when she lives in a shiny sparkly world! :-)

It's official - I'm a genius - albeit a very tired one!!

Okay yes so I am a genius! I KNEW I would pay for my late night by being overtired today, but it doesn't matter... it was SO worth it! I had been a little worried that looking at it all in the cold light of day would reveal several errors and mistakes, but the truth is ... it looked good!!! The start that I made on the re-vamped website in the wee small hours really did pay off,so my tiredness today has been a happy balance!

B was in at work for a couple of hours, so I took the opportunity to leave when she did! I spent most of the afternoon drifting between working on the website, watching crap daytime TV and quietly drifting off to sleep! I set my phone alarm to beep at 2.50pm to get the kids just incase I fell deeply asleep instead of merely inspecting the insides of my eyelids!

I also had what would have previously been a "Major Stress Event" this afternoon when my laptop lead finally packed up! I knew it wasn't going to last forever but seriously ... when I was bang slap in the middle of a "flow of inspiration" this afternoon was a REALLY bad time! Thankfully I managed to stay calm, be resourceful and phone around local computer shops until I tracked one down!!!

A few months ago that could have been another meltdown!!! Praise be to the god of happy pills for keeping me sane!!!!

It's nearly midnight and I have forced myself to stay up to a "normal" bedtime for me ... I've got the website to the point where the main index page is totally done aside from replacing photos with new ones (a whole other new project!!) and minor tweaking!!!!

Feeling tired, worn out, baggy eyed .... but very chuffed with myself!!!

My mum said something nice to me today....

Gawd that actually sounds like she never says anything nice but I don't mean it like that! She says lots of nice things often!! Okay bit of background on the start of the day!

I rang the doctor first this morning to make an appointment to go down and get a repeat prescription for my tablets and was able to go down within a couple of hours. The doc asked me how I'd been doing on the tablets and I said that I'd noticed the physical aspects of the anxiety had definitely lessened - I told her that I loved them! That in the month I had been on them I had noticed a real physical difference and that I could feel the stress levels just bubbling instead of boiling, but that my friends and family had mentioned more of an "emotional" difference in me. I grinned at that and doc said that they do usually take some time to work and that it was good I'd noticed a difference already. I really like this doctor - she is the first one that really listened to me and I've been seeing her since when I first went down there about being sick. She also made sure I was exercising still and making an effort with reducing stress in other aspects of my life. She's good - I really like her.

So back to mother and the nice thing!! I spoke to her on the phone today to let her know I'd been back to the doctor today and I repeated what I'd said about friends and family noticing a difference over the last month - she laughed and emphatically agreed! I asked her to explain what she meant and she found it really difficult to put into words but that what she was trying to say was that her daughter was back.

I was really touched by that. It put a smile on my face :-)

Work stuff & general update

Okay well in the few days since I've blogged (not counting the fact that this is actually my 3rd post today!) things have calmed down a LOT.

Home seems to be more stress free and I'm honestly not sure if it's just because I am more aware of things that stress me out now and I am trying to avoid or eliminate them ... or whether it's the happy pills chilling me out, or if it's because hub and the kids are all making more of an effort not to piss me off so much!

It's probably a combination of all of the above!

Work is also kind of up to date. Friday was a really manic busy morning! B was in and between us we cracked out ALL of the orders that needed to be packaged and boxed up by the time her shift was over, then I spent the rest of Friday afternoon feeling like complete crap! I was cold, shivery and tired and just felt bllleeeueuuuuugghhhh .... you know the feeling! Saturday I wasn't feeling much better and by 9.30pm Saturday evening I was tucked up in bed!!

Bit of a lazy day today too - got up at 9.30am after a gorgeous 12 hours sleep and worked on the website. I should have gone into the workshop, but it's been time well spent today!

So yeah, after the meltdown in Sainsburys a couple of weeks ago it's all been relatively calm. I do think the tablets are definitely working now as my friends have commented that I don't seem to be as harrassed and strung out as "normal" ... so that's a good thing!

I just wish they didn't make me so TIRED! I think last night was the best nights sleep that I've had in a long time and I feel a lot better for it.

If things don't change, they stay the same.

For the fourth day in a row I’ve not been sick so this is a very good thing! I had to take the children into work with me as they are on half term but it was absolutely useless and I was getting nothing done – it was making me more stressed than giving up and just going back later tonight after hub gets home from work.

I also went back to the doctor today. I told her everything that happened with my meltdown as well as some of the stressors in my home life and at work and she really listened. It made a lot of sense with the being sick starting around March time and my stress has been a lot worse since then and the dairy intolerance/sickness/lethargy being brought on by stress.

I also talked to her about the things I am going to try to do to consciously reduce some of the stressors in my life with the eating better, making sure I take more time for myself and delegating more. She said it’s all good stuff.

She also thinks I am not depressed, but that it is more anxiety, low self-esteem and being way too hard on myself when I don’t achieve perfection. Has this doctor got a secret hidden camera somewhere? Talk about bang the nail right on the head! She asked me how I would treat it if I could pick my own treatment and I said probably going back on my happy pills but that I thought I could also benefit from some counseling.

She looked at the prescription for anti-depressants that I was given before and said that they are the best thing for me right now as they are more for anxiety than full blown depression, but she has increased the dose. She also said I don’t have to take them if I don’t want to but she recommends that I do (I will) as they should just help to take the edge off the anxiety and panic.

She has also referred me to their own “in-house” counsellor who specialises in Cognitive Behaviour Therapy … which is trying to change your thoughts and perceptions in order to change your feelings and behaviour. I’m all for it. She’s given me a list of websites to look at and when I mentioned NLP that I’d been looking into (I’ll save the detail of that for another post!) she said that was the perfect sort of thing. There's quite a wait for the counselling but it's completely free.

So I have the entire afternoon now until hub gets home from work when I'll go in and catch up on what I didn't get done this morning. I’m going to clean the house then maybe take the kids to the park and read my book!!