Crying my eyes out....

Rosie is my mum's dog. She is an Alsatian/Rotweiller cross but the sappiest dog you could ever want to meet. Mum adopted her about 7-8 years ago (ish, damn I can't remember for sure, but it was at least 2-3 years before Dad died) and then when dad died in 2003, Rosie was like Mum's rock.

Rosie is really ill .... very ill and it has all happened so quickly. Mum took her to the vet recently because she'd noticed a change in Rosie and the diagnosis came back very quickly that Rosie had a tumor. The vet told mum that they could operate but that it would only literally give her months and the operation is very expensive. Mum (rightly I feel) made the decision not to go for the operation because Rosie's quality of life is more important.

Mum took Rosie back to the vet today and sadly she has deteriorated in just a few days. Mum hates the thought of Rosie being in pain or suffering in any way, so it's looking like Wednesday will be the day... at least this way mum can prepare for it and the vet will come to her house. She's asked me to be there and I wouldn't have it any other way.

It's so sad ... not just because we'll all miss Rosie, but because she's one of the few remaining links to my dad. Damnit I still miss him....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XafBLDVtF7Y&feature=related - this is a link to Dolly Parton and Vince Gill singing "I will always love you" which is always a reminder of my dad for me. He loved country music and Dolly Parton in particular. This song was always a favourite of his ... not because of the words behind the song - my parents marriage was solid as a frigging rock ... but just because it's a really great song and one of his favourites. We played it at his funeral for him.

Ok I'm crying now - listening to this song over and over again and crying my eyes out for dad, for Rosie and for all that is completely shit in my life at the moment. Dad I miss you SO MUCH.

My dad was such an amazing person. I don't think I ever really remember him saying "I love you" unless I said it first to him ... but I knew it ... ohhh I knew it. I grew up knowing that I was absolutely 100% loved and I never questioned it. I didn't always get everything I *wanted* ... but Dad made sure that we always had everything we *needed.*

He was always there no matter what. He wasn't one of those dads that always missed the important stuff either. He worked HARD to get to where he was and worked from home a LOT in the evenings and weekends, but there was always time for my sister and I, and as I've said - his love was never EVER questioned. He was so proud of Sis and I too ... so proud of what we had achieved and accomplished ... I think he was definitely our biggest fan ...

Dad died Sept 1st 2003 at PRECISELY 10pm in the evening. He always was a bloody perfectionist (it's where I get it from!!) and it was almost like he waited until the dot of 10pm to finally let go! When he first died I thought about him every minute of every day ... then eventually it went to once a day ... then once every few days, once a week, once every couple of weeks etc until eventually ... I realised I think about him when I need his comfort or guidance.

I am NOT religious in any way shape or form ... I feel belief is personal and not for anyone else to criticise ... but I do like to think that he is keeping an eye out for me. Every now and again I see a little white feather and to me, that's his way of letting me know he is there.

Why white feathers? Well, and this is an absolutely 100% true story. The day after dad had died, Mum, my sister and I were sat in my back garden contemplating life without him, and all of a sudden out of nowhere this white feather appeared in the air. It floated all around - left, right, up and down in the wind etc. Mum held out her hand and it landed right in her open palm.

It shocked the bejeebers out of us all I can tell ya! Mum still has that feather too. Ever since then it's either been a weird bizarre co-incidence ... or it's been a sign because whenever I feel like I am really up against a brick wall, and that life just really aint worth it ... I get a lil white feather.

Damn I hadn't meant to waffle so much ... at least the tears have stopped now.

The weirdest Monday on record yet!!!

Well talk about Weird Mondays and I think the one I had today was just so totally utterly bizarre that it's just ... well, wow!!! It started off as a very stressful monday morning, but as the day went on ... despite some really sad news, my day was very definitely un-stressed!!

Today was my first proper day back in the workshop after the h*ll that is half term and I even felt really sick this morning for no real reason at all. I didn't actually throw up, and I could only put it down to feeling nervous about going back into the workshop after a few enforced days off (also for reasons other than half term, but that's not a story for public viewing!!)

Anyway, I got into the workshop and it was all actually okay! I spent the entire day pouring and cleared off eleven orders so I was very chuffed with myself!!! Tomorrow is a "top up" and package day where I will literally be topping up stuff that I made today ... and sending it out.

Through circumstances and no fault of my own I've ended up sooooo far behind with orders, but it was really good to spend a day just playing in the wax and making candles today!! I've had a ton of orders in over the last few days, so I'll get everything I've made sent tomorrow so I should have happy customers again :D

Then this afternoon, about half an hour after getting in from work, I got a text from a really good friend - L, to ask if I fancied popping over for a chat! Thing is, hub was unusually working from home on a Monday, so I took FULL advantage and went over to L's place! What was supposed to only be popping out for an hour or so ended up with me being out for hours and just about getting home at dinner time to say hi to the kids after their first day back at school!

A thoroughly worthy afternoon though *grin* - I have a smile on my face that won't quit and that's all I'll say!!

I actually feel a little disrespectful here today because after the great and terrific afternoon I've vaguely talked about, I haven't mentioned ANYTHING about C today and I feel truly bad for that.

PLEASE forgive me ... I have always sworn never to delete anything I write here (unless it's a typo!) and that will never change, but I feel I should have mentioned this at the start of today and it is SO tempting to go back and change how I have started this entry, but I won't...

C was the wife of R who has the unit along the coridoor from me. I found out this morning that C sadly passed away on Friday. It wasn't totally unexpected as she had been ill for quite some time (cancer), and to be honest, every time I had seen C, I'd been surprised that she was still around because she looked so ill and had been so ill for so long. That sounds callous doesn't it ... I truly don't mean to be... I just say it how I see it.

My friend Lou that works for R had been a friend of C & R's for years and I know that she had taken it harder than she made out when I saw her today. C died of cancer and Lou has breast cancer - for the second time and is right in the middle of treatment, so it has been soooo hard on them all over there. Lou is also a really good friend of mine and it's been really hard to see her go through her own personal battle as well as deal with C's illness and now her passing. I just wish there was more that I could do

I almost feel guilty for having a good day today after finding out about C passing away. I KNOW that's silly and that C would probably tell me off for it! I said to R today that I knew there was nothing I could say but that he would be in my thoughts.

It's been a tough time for them all over that end of the coridoor.

... I just have to add that this has been one of the weirdest blog entries I have ever made. To have had such a sad day combined with such a totally chilled out and fantastic afternoon has been utterly weird! Thank you L for one of the best afternoons I've had in a LONG time!!!