My shitty weekend

Stop the world, I WANT TO GET OFF.

I have worked SO hard and stressed SO much over the last few days and worked myself to the bone. I have completely exhausted myself mentally and physically, and it just feels like it is all for nothing. I've been feeling very unwell - dizzy spells and weird tingly feelings all over my body, and sooooooo tired. The fact that I didn't crash my car driving home from the show today was just a bloody miracle.

The photo taking in Chichester yesterday ended up as a total non event. We started a bit of a walk round, but A is suffering at the moment with a really bad back and he was very obviously in pain .... so we found a pub and had a few drinks while we waited for hub & F to come back. I won't say that I wasn't *slightly* annoyed (okay that's an understatement - I was very annoyed) because I had to go through SO much to get everything done for the show in time to go out for the afternoon. Then, I feel bad for feeling that because it wasn't A's fault - he was well up for it ... just in pain.

Still ... in the grand scheme of things it didn't help my stress levels with wasted time that I could have been working. THEN on top of it all, hub and I had a huge massive fight last night. I don't remember what time I finally fell asleep ... but it was late.

I then had to get up really early this morning and left for the show at Fontwell Racecourse in plenty of time. Megan was with me and I swear had it not been for her in the car then I probably would have lost it totally. I couldn't find the turnoff for it! How crazy is that? I've driven past it like a gazillion times ... but the entrance that I thought was the entrance - well, it wasn't!! I ended up going in completely the wrong direction and having to drive for ages to find a roundabout to get back the other way. It ended up taking forever. I felt my stress levels rising higher and higher until I was in floods of tears in the car!

I am angry with myself for allowing that to happen in front of Megan. It's not exactly the first time she's witnessed a meltdown, but I should have held it together better. I didn't show her a very good example of coping... We finally got there with just a few minutes until it opened so it was mega-speedy unpacking the stock and getting it all set up.

The final pisser? It was a really dreadful show and I only just really covered costs. There were hardly any people through the door - it was sooooo quiet. I can stand there smiling for 6 hours when it's worth it ... but standing there for 6 hours when it's deader than a dodo ... when I'm already feeling dizzy and unwell was not good. Megan kept me together though ... hehee she said it wasn't a bad day because we did make some money and we got free cake! Bless her.

Still ... it makes me continue to question WTF I am actually doing? If I am getting so wound up and so stressed all because of work ... is it REALLY worth it? This weekend - in fact the past few days have been so full on and nonstop and it just feels like it's all for nothing.I want to achieve my dream and get a shop because I know damned well I have a great product ... but I don't know how much more of this I can take.

My period ... plus headache & toothache - oh joy, lucky me

It is official - I have the killer period from hell. I could probably cope with the stomach cramps, the lower backache and being slightly more emotional than usual - but damnit my body has to throw in an evil toothache and then just to finish me off completely, a headache too.

Short version of the day - my stress levels have been rising VERY VERY high and I've had a couple of "small" panic attacks throughout the day. A friend actually witnessed a part of it - and no matter what, I always try not to let people see how bad I can get when my anxiety and stress levels rise.

Thankfully, the friend who was there turned out to be the perfect person to talk me through it. I don't know what I would have done without being able to just talk and breathe and that point and have someone just listen, tell me I CAN get through this and remind me of light at the end of the tunnel.

I'd had a headache all day, but by the time I had picked up the kids from school, the toothache was much worse, and that was the point the headache seriously kicked in and made me wonder whether it was actually a migraine instead of just a headache. I took a first dose of pain killers at that point, then by 4pm I felt myself going downhill rapidly.

I did some research earlier and I think I have what is very affectionately termed "menstrual migraine" caused by a drop in oestrogen ... remember I'd had no period for 3 months and then I decided to stop taking the pill so I could try to have a natural cycle (it's been six weeks since I stopped the pill) so there is my reduction in oestrogen!

I feel dizzy and off balance like I've been on a roundabout and my head is killing me. Bright lights make it worse and all the while I stay relatively still, it hurts less. Moving around definitely makes it much worse.

So hi ho, hi ho it's off to take more pills I go ....

Work stuff & general update

Okay well in the few days since I've blogged (not counting the fact that this is actually my 3rd post today!) things have calmed down a LOT.

Home seems to be more stress free and I'm honestly not sure if it's just because I am more aware of things that stress me out now and I am trying to avoid or eliminate them ... or whether it's the happy pills chilling me out, or if it's because hub and the kids are all making more of an effort not to piss me off so much!

It's probably a combination of all of the above!

Work is also kind of up to date. Friday was a really manic busy morning! B was in and between us we cracked out ALL of the orders that needed to be packaged and boxed up by the time her shift was over, then I spent the rest of Friday afternoon feeling like complete crap! I was cold, shivery and tired and just felt bllleeeueuuuuugghhhh .... you know the feeling! Saturday I wasn't feeling much better and by 9.30pm Saturday evening I was tucked up in bed!!

Bit of a lazy day today too - got up at 9.30am after a gorgeous 12 hours sleep and worked on the website. I should have gone into the workshop, but it's been time well spent today!

So yeah, after the meltdown in Sainsburys a couple of weeks ago it's all been relatively calm. I do think the tablets are definitely working now as my friends have commented that I don't seem to be as harrassed and strung out as "normal" ... so that's a good thing!

I just wish they didn't make me so TIRED! I think last night was the best nights sleep that I've had in a long time and I feel a lot better for it.

If things don't change, they stay the same.

For the fourth day in a row I’ve not been sick so this is a very good thing! I had to take the children into work with me as they are on half term but it was absolutely useless and I was getting nothing done – it was making me more stressed than giving up and just going back later tonight after hub gets home from work.

I also went back to the doctor today. I told her everything that happened with my meltdown as well as some of the stressors in my home life and at work and she really listened. It made a lot of sense with the being sick starting around March time and my stress has been a lot worse since then and the dairy intolerance/sickness/lethargy being brought on by stress.

I also talked to her about the things I am going to try to do to consciously reduce some of the stressors in my life with the eating better, making sure I take more time for myself and delegating more. She said it’s all good stuff.

She also thinks I am not depressed, but that it is more anxiety, low self-esteem and being way too hard on myself when I don’t achieve perfection. Has this doctor got a secret hidden camera somewhere? Talk about bang the nail right on the head! She asked me how I would treat it if I could pick my own treatment and I said probably going back on my happy pills but that I thought I could also benefit from some counseling.

She looked at the prescription for anti-depressants that I was given before and said that they are the best thing for me right now as they are more for anxiety than full blown depression, but she has increased the dose. She also said I don’t have to take them if I don’t want to but she recommends that I do (I will) as they should just help to take the edge off the anxiety and panic.

She has also referred me to their own “in-house” counsellor who specialises in Cognitive Behaviour Therapy … which is trying to change your thoughts and perceptions in order to change your feelings and behaviour. I’m all for it. She’s given me a list of websites to look at and when I mentioned NLP that I’d been looking into (I’ll save the detail of that for another post!) she said that was the perfect sort of thing. There's quite a wait for the counselling but it's completely free.

So I have the entire afternoon now until hub gets home from work when I'll go in and catch up on what I didn't get done this morning. I’m going to clean the house then maybe take the kids to the park and read my book!!

My meltdown ....

So yesterday I had what is henceforth to be referred to as "The Sainsburys Meltdown." Put very simply I think my stress tolerance levels had reached a point where they were undeniably no longer tolerant!! I collapsed on the floor in the middle of the juice/fruit squash aisle in Sainsburys crying my eyes out. It all suddenly seemed to become just too much.

The worst bit for me was knowing that Megan was watching while it was happening, but there was nothing I could do about it at that point. She just stayed out of the way the whole time and then came over and hugged me while I was sat on the floor. I’ve talked to her about it since, and explained that it wasn’t anybody’s fault and that sometimes even grown ups get so stressed that they just need to stand there and scream! We had a good chat. The funny thing is that I think she really did understand. That girl never ceases to amaze me.

This will be a very long entry! Get comfy!

Right from the start the shopping trip yesterday was doomed. Firstly, shopping as a "family group" with two children is always stressful at the best of times, and secondly I had to shop for a completely dairy free diet for myself for at least the next two weeks, which means reading labels. A LOT of labels... resulting in the shopping trip taking MUCH longer than usual and the children getting bored and restless. The stupid thing is that it really all came down to being over a houseplant and a box of strawberry magic straws! Yes, really.

Why was it something so ridiculously absurd that finally sent me over the edge yesterday? Why couldn’t it have been a great big huge thing? Something to actually burst into tears about that makes more sense than a couple of grocery items? Isn’t it always the little things though … I mean when big stuff happens we manage to somehow carry on regardless, stiff upper lip, being strong for the rest of them etc … but then finally something has to give – something has to be the catalyst for that ultimate breakdown and it ends up being the silliest thing … which hopefully is what will make me able to laugh about it in the future.

At the entrance to the supermarket is a big display with houseplants and flowers. Nathan asked if he could have a plant for his room. I couldn’t think of any real reason why not, so I said okay… and then we began our slow mooch around the shop. I try to involve Nathan in the choosing of vegetables in an attempt to get him to eat them, so he spent about 5 minutes picking the perfect aubergine! Not a problem and on we go. Nathan starts being defiant, insisting he was the one to push the trolley – which only ever results into crashing into people or knocking things off the shelves, as he isn’t tall enough to see over the top properly. You have to kind of let him push yet guide the trolley at the same time and ignore him when he gets stroppy if you have even a little finger on it.

Stress levels beginning to bubble.

While I was scanning the back of a jar of something for milk allergy labels I could hear Nathan asking his dad for strawberry magic straws. He was told no because we already have some chocolate ones at home and then I could see Nathan starting on about how they were different etc (Nathan is very matter of fact and logical about things!) and he was again told no. Nathan starts to build up into tantrum mode because he wasn’t getting his own way … and what did my husband do? He said, “Oh okay then” and put them in the trolley. That just made my blood SERIOUSLY boil because although I hadn’t had a huge issue with Nathan having or not having the strawberry magic straws, what I DID have a bloody enormous issue with was the fact that hub gave in to Nathan. That’s just plain bad parenting because I do not – and as far as I was concerned “we” as a parental unit do not give in! I’m happy to compromise and make “deals” for things, but giving in after saying no … well that’s a big no no and it was the start of it really – I grabbed hub, pulled him to one side and probably was louder and more hostile than I needed to be in the grand scheme of things, but as I said above, I think the whole shopping trip was the catalyst in my stress levels.

I consciously decided to try to calm down and play the whole thing cool at that stage. I put the magic straws back on the shelf, knelt down to Nathan and told him very calmly and in a controlled yet firm manner (and I was even thinking at the time “Supernanny eat your heart out” because I was proud of how I was handling it!) that he could have the magic straws IF he behaved himself while we finished our shopping. I said IF he was good then we would come back and get them at the end but that if he didn’t behave then the plant would go back and there would be no magic straws and he would be grounded (no playstation, no Nintendo DS and no computer for the rest of the day). He started to throw a tantrum, but I simply repeated myself calmly yet firmly because as far as I was concerned this was a reasonable compromise on the fact that he’d originally been told he couldn’t have them and then hub gave in. This way the parents still retain control but the child gets what they want and everybody is happy.

BUT while I was in the middle of my second calm repeat to Nathan (who was by this point in full tantrum mode - wriggling, refusing to listen and trying to climb the shelf to get the box back), hub interrupts and calls me over to look at a frigging product label further down that aisle. Bear in mind that I was already sorting out a problem that he had caused in the first place, he then caused me another one because Nathan was up on the shelf by then to get the magic straws which resulted in me yelling at hub, throwing the box back on the shelf, taking the plant out of the trolley and then being slightly less calm in the way that I then spoke to my son!!

A woman walked past me, looked me up and down before meeting my eyes and telling me that they could hear me in the next aisle and that I really shouldn’t be speaking to a child that way.

In retrospect, writing all of this out I can SEE how it happened. I can remember it all clear as day and seeing it in black and white makes a lot of sense. I still didn’t lose it at that point and still thought I was ticking boxes for the good mother way to deal with this kind of behaviour in public… by Nathan OR by hub! Oh that woman pissed me off … beyond where I was already, but you know what? I could have been VERY nasty. I could have hit her – hard and probably had a good plea for insanity on a murder charge, but I swallowed it. Yes, I took it on the chin, and replied very matter of factly; “Yes well you aren’t actually helping then are you” and gave my very worst “fuck off and die” stare.

I think what pissed me off more than anything was the lack of back up that I got from hub. He was just kind of “there” in the background and didn’t give me any support when I was dealing with his magic straw mess, then he didn’t say anything to the woman who I think really finally tipped me over the edge… and oh I told him so with no holds barred. Then I walked off.

I didn’t walk far … just far enough to start crying harder than I have cried in a long time. I remember having a moment of clarity and thinking that I needed to finish the shopping because there were so many really good non dairy things in there that I’d found and if we walked off and abandoned the shopping trolley then we’d need to go back and start all over again and the prospect of that was worse than walking around and finishing the shopping with my mascara running down my cheeks!!!

As I walked back towards where hub and the children had been, I saw them walking towards me. I could feel it building and building and building inside me. I cant even describe now exactly how I was feeling at that precise point, and I don’t remember whether I said anything to hub or whether I said nothing. It’s all a bit blank for those few seconds, but I starter crying harder and just lost my footing. I didn’t faint or anything explainable like that, I just lost the ability to stand up and control myself.

A perfect stranger came over and knelt in front of me, rubbing my arms and telling me that it was okay! She must have seen the build up because she asked me if Nathan had any problems. I managed to stammer that he had ADHD and Aspergers and she smiled knowingly, telling me that she understood, that it was hard and sometimes we all reach breaking point. She told me I needed to give Nathan a hug because no matter what, he was going to need one from me and he would need to know that I was okay. She was fantastic. I don’t know who she was and ashamedly I probably wouldn’t even recognise her if I saw her again, but if I could have picked anybody to be there for me while I had a meltdown, then I don’t think I could have chosen anyone as absolutely perfect to “deal with me” as she was. She seemed to know what I needed to hear and said those exact words to me to make it all somehow okay that I was a quivering heap in the middle of a supermarket.

I managed to stand up and … then the rest kind of pales into insignificance really. The shopping was finished very quietly and then for the rest of the day I just wanted to sit down and do nothing. I stayed awake long enough to watch England lose the rugby, then went to bed.