Today was mum's 2nd birthday celebration ... she's obviously getting a bit like the Queen in her old age and now has to celebrate her birthday twice!! We had a lovely evening at my sister's house ... nice food and a cake Sis made by herself!!!

And it was good to see a real smile on Mum's face too!!

We went for a walk along the beach in Littlehampton where Sis lives and it's the first time I've ever been down there. I was quite surprised at how NICE the beach was! It's very much an "unspoiled" area of beach with sand dunes and real sand! Certainly worked up an appetite for CAKE anyway!!

The kids had a great time - it was good to actually get them off their backsides and out into the fresh air!

Thursday Grrrrrrrrrrrr!

Grrrrrrrrrrrr is the best way to describe today! Part of me can't believe it is Thursday already. This week has gone SO quickly!!

I went "dog shopping" with Mum this morning. We drove to Ford near Arundel for a small local dog rescue place to meet "Amber". Amber is a 2.5 year old whippet that Mum met a couple of days ago and fell in love with! We went over there today with Molly (my dog) to see how they would get on but unfortunately the school called and I had to cut it short just as we'd started a walk, and go to sort out Nathan. Let's just say he'd had an "accident" of the toilet kind and I wasn't impressed!!

I KNOW it is part of his ADHD/Aspergers diagnosis, but still ... he's eight years old now and MORE than old enough to be able to take himself to the toilet, but unfortunately, I still find myself cleaning up his shit in more ways than one! He was very apologetic this evening and promised me that it wouldn't happen again, but it's all words I've heard before and don't really believe any more.

So anyway ... yeah a Grrrrrr day! I accomplished the sum total of naff all really yet was constantly on the go!

This evening I've tweaked the website a little, updated the testimonials from recent customer emails and worked on some number crunching.

My my what an exciting life I lead!!!

An odd kind of day ....

I got a call from Mum this morning asking me if I'd go over to the dogs trust with her to look at a dog she'd fallen in love with! Her name is Lucy and she is a collie x spaniel - long haired, black and white and the most adorable face! Four years old with one careful lady owner and it looks like she'll be going to live with my mum soon! We both fell in love - she's a lovely sweet dog!

So why has the day been weird? Ugh ... well I can't explain properly because of certain little ears that I know read my blog. I just feel out of sorts, unhappy and a bit blah ... totally the wrong way to feel when we have such gorgeous weather at the moment!! There are things in my life that I KNOW are not working for me ... but I also know that the reality is fixing them will end up causing more problems than there are if I just let things stay as they are.

Isn't that always the case though? The cure is often worse than the disease.

What's a girl to do. Laugh? Cry? Or just consume enough alcohol to wipe it all out and make sleeping easier.

Crying my eyes out....

Rosie is my mum's dog. She is an Alsatian/Rotweiller cross but the sappiest dog you could ever want to meet. Mum adopted her about 7-8 years ago (ish, damn I can't remember for sure, but it was at least 2-3 years before Dad died) and then when dad died in 2003, Rosie was like Mum's rock.

Rosie is really ill .... very ill and it has all happened so quickly. Mum took her to the vet recently because she'd noticed a change in Rosie and the diagnosis came back very quickly that Rosie had a tumor. The vet told mum that they could operate but that it would only literally give her months and the operation is very expensive. Mum (rightly I feel) made the decision not to go for the operation because Rosie's quality of life is more important.

Mum took Rosie back to the vet today and sadly she has deteriorated in just a few days. Mum hates the thought of Rosie being in pain or suffering in any way, so it's looking like Wednesday will be the day... at least this way mum can prepare for it and the vet will come to her house. She's asked me to be there and I wouldn't have it any other way.

It's so sad ... not just because we'll all miss Rosie, but because she's one of the few remaining links to my dad. Damnit I still miss him....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XafBLDVtF7Y&feature=related - this is a link to Dolly Parton and Vince Gill singing "I will always love you" which is always a reminder of my dad for me. He loved country music and Dolly Parton in particular. This song was always a favourite of his ... not because of the words behind the song - my parents marriage was solid as a frigging rock ... but just because it's a really great song and one of his favourites. We played it at his funeral for him.

Ok I'm crying now - listening to this song over and over again and crying my eyes out for dad, for Rosie and for all that is completely shit in my life at the moment. Dad I miss you SO MUCH.

My dad was such an amazing person. I don't think I ever really remember him saying "I love you" unless I said it first to him ... but I knew it ... ohhh I knew it. I grew up knowing that I was absolutely 100% loved and I never questioned it. I didn't always get everything I *wanted* ... but Dad made sure that we always had everything we *needed.*

He was always there no matter what. He wasn't one of those dads that always missed the important stuff either. He worked HARD to get to where he was and worked from home a LOT in the evenings and weekends, but there was always time for my sister and I, and as I've said - his love was never EVER questioned. He was so proud of Sis and I too ... so proud of what we had achieved and accomplished ... I think he was definitely our biggest fan ...

Dad died Sept 1st 2003 at PRECISELY 10pm in the evening. He always was a bloody perfectionist (it's where I get it from!!) and it was almost like he waited until the dot of 10pm to finally let go! When he first died I thought about him every minute of every day ... then eventually it went to once a day ... then once every few days, once a week, once every couple of weeks etc until eventually ... I realised I think about him when I need his comfort or guidance.

I am NOT religious in any way shape or form ... I feel belief is personal and not for anyone else to criticise ... but I do like to think that he is keeping an eye out for me. Every now and again I see a little white feather and to me, that's his way of letting me know he is there.

Why white feathers? Well, and this is an absolutely 100% true story. The day after dad had died, Mum, my sister and I were sat in my back garden contemplating life without him, and all of a sudden out of nowhere this white feather appeared in the air. It floated all around - left, right, up and down in the wind etc. Mum held out her hand and it landed right in her open palm.

It shocked the bejeebers out of us all I can tell ya! Mum still has that feather too. Ever since then it's either been a weird bizarre co-incidence ... or it's been a sign because whenever I feel like I am really up against a brick wall, and that life just really aint worth it ... I get a lil white feather.

Damn I hadn't meant to waffle so much ... at least the tears have stopped now.

My daughter wants a boyfriend????

Well she IS gorgeous isn't she! I mean of course I am biased, but I would defy any guy in the future NOT to fall in love with this adorable face, that gorgeous smile, and those eyes!! Not to mention the fact that her laugh is totally infectious!!!!

But she's nine years old (okay nearly 10) and I am talking like WAAAY in the future when she's 30! LOL

I got a call from my sister in law Leanne this evening who was on MSN and chatting to Megan, and apparently Megan's MSN message next to her name was "I want a boyfriend" ... I got a phone call from Leanne right away!!! Sorry Megan but there ARE spies out there! Leanne wasn't "concerned" but obviously thought I should know!

Anyway, I went in a while later and had a chat with Megan because although I am her mum, I want her to know that I am always there for her no matter what! I try to drum into the pair of them that it doesn't matter WHAT you have done or how much trouble you think you are going to be in ... because if you come to me, or your dad, or your nan, or any other adult you trust and say to them "I have a problem - I've done something wrong and I need help" then you will never be in half as much trouble as you would be in for lying.

I had a quick chat with her about her MSN message but kept the chat very cool and aloof and didn't probe her too much. Megan is a sensible girl - I know that and I do give that girl the credit she deserves because she is a credit to me! I am so proud of the young woman (!) she is becoming.

I think part of the reason why that whole thing struck me so much is because I am now old enough to have a daughter who is thinking about boyfriends! OMG! Crikey she'd kill me if she knew I was posting this, but her whole body shape is changing and she is definitely starting to come close to puberty.

It's such a strange position to find myself in though! I am only 32, so I don't consider myself old by ANY standard, but yet I am old enough to have a daughter who is starting to think about this stuff!! God I hope we stay close I really do! I didn't talk to my mum much as I grew up. I got into trouble and dealt with it all myself through my teenage years and knowing the great relationship I have with my mum now - I couldn't imagine NOT telling her anything now!!

It's hard because you HAVE to give them a certain degree of freedom whilst still retaining that element of control. You have to trust your child and know that you have brought them up to the best of your ability and installed moral values into them... yet at the same time you worry for them so much!!

After having two miscarriages before I fell pregnant with Megan ... I thought at first that the worry would end when the baby was born ... then I realised that once you get through the birth with a healthy baby, you have to worry about cot death in the first few months - then once they start crawling and walking you worry they will crash into something ... you think it will end eventually but it doesn't! The worry doesn't EVER stop!

I know that she has to make her OWN mistakes and learn her own lessons in life, but god it's hard to watch!!! I want to be a supportive and encouraging Mum - someone that is always there for her cheering from the sidelines no matter what, but one who also knows when to back off!!

God help me when Nathan starts going through this! I wonder which one I will end up feeling more protective over ... LOL oh the joys of parenthood!

Easy like Sunday mornings .....

I've had another really good day today too! I allowed myself the luxury of another lay in and then headed into the workshop for mid-morning. I don't know whether it was the 4 cups of coffee I'd had before I left, but I got an absolute metric fu*k load done today too! All the prep I did yesterday has been poured, I've made all the votives I need for stock boxes in the stock room, made some hurricane candles AND finished off a wholesale order.

I'm actually completely OUT of packing boxes - hopefully those will arrive tomorrow, so in the meantime I have been through all of the completed orders, packaged it all and put each order together so that all I need to do is literally bubble wrap and box it when my boxes arrive.

Had dinner at mum's tonight and Nathan surprised us all by being so well behaved! He didn't eat much (he never does when it is "proper" food as opposed to sausages/scampi/nuggets & chips!) but he sat properly, used his knife and fork and was polite! He even cleared the table without being asked! I know .... shocking!! Needless to say he got lots of praise!!

It's 7pm now and my plan is to get the kids in bed, go get comfy on my own bed and settle down to do some writing!

What a great weekend it's been!!

First craft show of the year ...

Well yesterday was! Oving in Chichester, so a nice local one that only took 20 minutes to get to. I'll admit that I hadn't even thought about writing about it when I got back as my head just needed to hit my pillow!

Megan came with me and she was absolutely brilliant! Such a superb little saleswoman and I had so many people compliment me on her! She handed out a ton of business cards to people and was standing there telling customers how to use the breakaway melts and the story behind my multi layered candleshop votives!

Plus, it was nice to just have some Mum & Megan time together! I didn't make a fortune, but we got my name out there and that's what it's about!! I've got a fair amount of interest in candle parties too ... so fingers crossed!!

Failure of a shopping spree!!!!

I decided to hit the sales yesterday as this is the first time in years that I've had some cash to spare! I don't have a LOT, but have SOME and damned well wanted to spend it on myself! Mum also gave me some shopping money for my Christmas present, so off to Worthing I did go with Mum and Megan in tow (ooh that rhymes - unintentional! LOL)

What did I buy yesterday? A complete fat ZILCH!!!! Came home totally empty handed and totally deflated!

I've been after a pair of flat brown knee high boots for weeks now and not found anything remotely like what I was looking for, and I refused to buy something that wasn't quite right as that would just have been a waste of my money! After tramping around Worthing for a couple of hours we kinda gave up and went home!!! I didn't even find any clothes either - the "look" at the moment is kinda punky / emo / gothic and it just doesn't suit me. The other side of what seems to be popular right now is a sexy/chic office style but I have nowhere to wear clothes like that and again - it's not me! I've never really been into high fashion and tend to wear what I know looks good on me and that I feel good in - hence why I came home with naff all yesterday!!!

Had a day off today!!!

Ok well technically not a "day off" as I spent it in front of my laptop working on the website, but I decided NOT to go into the workshop today. I have a hell of a week ahead of me with orders and I may have to bring my Christmas deadline forward ... but I needed a day where I wasn't faced with that place and today was that day!! I have really made a good dent into the website re-haul ... and although I need to take a TON of new photos, I'm going to go ahead with the exisiting photos for now and try to get the new ones taken over Christmas.

I have a party tomorrow, so the plan is to go into work in my overalls (damn I love them overalls!!) as soon as I am up and ready but take a change of clothes, make-up and hairbrush with me so that I can do some work, pack some boxes etc, and then change ready for the party when I get there. Talk about a multi tasking day tomorrow!!

Went to Asda with mum this evening after dinner and we were soooo disappointed with the lack of kids toys there! I charged in there armed with the kids wish lists and nada, nothing, zilch!! Rather disappointingly I just did a weeks worth of shopping!! I did pick up a few odds and ends for the kids at Christmas and something for one of my friends, but the main bulk of the Christmas shopping is still to be done! My sister in law and her two boys (slightly younger than Megan and Nathan)

I have a party tomorrow and a party on Monday night so I am hoping that the money I make from those will cover enough to buy pressies! It's been kind of the budget month from hell really this month ... hub got paid on the 21st November and by the time all the bills had been paid and we'd caught up on what we were behind on ... he ran out of money at the start of this week! Thankfully it being "Silly Season" I've had pennies available to buy the food and bits & pieces!!

Which leads me back to I NEED A FRIGGING SHOP!!! Talked to mum about it tonight actually while we were bimbling around Asda .... retail shops in the centre of the lanes in Brighton are around £20k a year and all I need is enough cash behind me to cover the shop rent and overheads for 6 months, staff costs for the shop and workshop for a few months and enough supplies to actually make the dang stuff to sell! I worked out I need - ball park - in the region of about £25-30K to set up the shop and cover everything including a shop refit and all of the overheads in advance for the first few months and give me enough left over for "breathing space" and enough supplies to then create "rolling stock" to re-stock the shop for the first few months.

Once I get through the first 3-4 months in the shop, I should have generated enough income to start making a real profit.

*sigh* that's what dreams are for!

My mum said something nice to me today....

Gawd that actually sounds like she never says anything nice but I don't mean it like that! She says lots of nice things often!! Okay bit of background on the start of the day!

I rang the doctor first this morning to make an appointment to go down and get a repeat prescription for my tablets and was able to go down within a couple of hours. The doc asked me how I'd been doing on the tablets and I said that I'd noticed the physical aspects of the anxiety had definitely lessened - I told her that I loved them! That in the month I had been on them I had noticed a real physical difference and that I could feel the stress levels just bubbling instead of boiling, but that my friends and family had mentioned more of an "emotional" difference in me. I grinned at that and doc said that they do usually take some time to work and that it was good I'd noticed a difference already. I really like this doctor - she is the first one that really listened to me and I've been seeing her since when I first went down there about being sick. She also made sure I was exercising still and making an effort with reducing stress in other aspects of my life. She's good - I really like her.

So back to mother and the nice thing!! I spoke to her on the phone today to let her know I'd been back to the doctor today and I repeated what I'd said about friends and family noticing a difference over the last month - she laughed and emphatically agreed! I asked her to explain what she meant and she found it really difficult to put into words but that what she was trying to say was that her daughter was back.

I was really touched by that. It put a smile on my face :-)