Houston I got my period!!!!

Well I thought it was worth announcing to the world in general! Almost ironic how I complain loudly about the lack of it and then it arrives!!

I didn't get to write yesterday evening ... I was absolutely knackered!! It was a good day, but just not for financial reasons!! The East Preston market was crap, but to be honest I didn't really think that it would be anything more than that ... it's East Preston on a Wednesday morning FFS! LOL it didn't matter either because Tuesday was such a superb day and I was floating on cloud nine because of the result I'd had the day before!

Anyway, today has been a fairly good ... to brilliant ... to not so good ... to okay again kind of day!!

Clear as mud? It all started off really well - I got into work and sighed at the state of the stock room - it was such a pig sty in there and really needed sorting out. Terri was in and I knew she was just the girl I needed to get me organised!!! I completely re-organised the stock room so I can clearly see exactly what I have and what I need to make up for stock. It looks awesome in there now!! So that was the brilliant start ...

The not so good part was an email from my landlord at work demanding money ... but I am disputing part of the bill (charges for services I haven't used) and they haven't exactly been forthcoming with resolving the issues I had. I had a couple of hours this afternoon when I was getting all depressed because just as it all starts to run well again and I am making such headway into resolving my business problems ... I'm faced with yet another kick!!

So anyway, I spoke to my solicitor again today to double check where I stood on some other questions I had and with his help, I've decided on a plan of action ... again I can't go into detail in a public post - well, not at this stage anyway, but when your solicitor turns around to you and says "you are being conned" then you know you are fighting a battle for good reason!!

... therefore the day turned into an okay again kind of one!

I am REALLY REALLY looking forward to tomorrow! I'm going over to Lou's in the evening to take some pics of her daughter getting ready for her prom and then all dressed up in her finery! I can't wait to play with my camera, and her daughter is stunning so I already know the shots will turn out great!! If Lou gives me permission (and of course her daughter's consent too!), I'll post a couple of the shots here!

It's also been way toooooooo long since Lou and I had a proper girlie chat that wasn't squeezed into the 5 minutes we get when she pops in at work! I am so looking forward to it! A chance to relax and chat with my girlfriend and not have to worry about time or clock watching as I'm staying overnight. We'll have the world put to rights by Saturday morning! LOL

It just gets better! (And quick moan about my period!)

What a fanfuckingtastic day!!

In chronological order of happening! ...

1. My appointment with my solicitor went very well. I definitely have a case and that is what I wanted to hear - somebody with a legal background who can turn around and say HEY you can't charge somebody for something that they haven't received. It was a very positive appointment.

2. When I got back to the workshop, I got a call from the manager of a weekly market in town nearby that gets a LOT of passing traffic. It's on a weekday but it is very popular and it's a slot I desperately want! He called to say that there is space for me as a casual trader when I want it. It basically means that I need to turn up there at 7am in the morning and hope for a pitch with no guarantee of getting one, so sometimes I'll end up coming straight back home again ... but, once I've been as a casual for a few weeks, I will be able to sign on as a regular. This is massive! It will be like having a shopfront without having a shop! I need to do a fair bit of work before I can think about it - stock building and organising a decent display table (oh and getting the tables as I have to provide all of that) but it's a very positive move forward!

3. I got all of the stock packed up for the market in East Preston tomorrow morning. I don't feel like I have enough stock - but I *always* feel that and I *always* come home with plenty ... so I'm happy about what I've got! Plus, the new shrink wrap packaging looks amazing

4. A cheque arrived for £192 and it was paid into the business account within two hours of opening the envelope! It's all about cash flow right now and as long as the cash is a flowin' I am a happy chick!

5. Orders are coming through the website again! It slowed up last week - but I put a lot of that down to it being the end of the month and Glastonbury being on as well could have had a LOT to do with it!!

6. Had a really nice chat on the phone with my mum this afternoon! We caught up on gossip and I told her about the weekly market ... she has offered to have the children after school until their dad gets back from work - as long as it will fit in with her work hours!

I'm afraid to say it too loudly (touch wood) but ... it all seems to be going okay right now! I know I have a LONG way to go and I'm still sinking right now, but I'm closer to "the light at the end of the tunnel" than I have ever been and it feels GOOD! I have to thank L for most of it, errr umm some of it hell okay - all of it! The eternal butt kicking and the way I now question everything ... it's all down to L!! God, if L hadn't come into my life at the right point, then I dread to think where I would be!!

WARNING PERIOD TALK!!!
Okay time for the period talk! I didn't have a period at all for a few months after Christmas, then a mega nasty heavy one - then two came 2 weeks apart! I worked out it's been around 5-6 weeks since my last one and it's worrying because my body seems to be so screwed at the moment. Trust me when I say there is absolutely ZERO chance I could be pregnant - bwahahaa (cobwebs is not the word!) it's just that it feels so "unfemale" not to get my period every month!

So anyway, lack of period aside, the upshot is that it's been a really really REALLY good day :-)

Dreams & a lack of periods (not related!!)

I spent the best part of the morning number crunching on the accounts, then I went into work for a bit to send out some orders and then spent the afternoon with L talking about dreams for the future for the business and L's dreams of moving abroad in the future! Afternoons like that are the best ever ... just chatting & chilling out with a really good friend and feeling positive & happy!

I have SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO many dreams and ideas .... so many things that I want to achieve for myself with the business, and L is terrific for brain storming! It was one of the few times I was sat there without my laptop and L just kept churning out idea after idea! I had to actually *shock horror* write the ideas down by hand! It was terrific!!

I like afternoons like that!!

Soooooo anyway, mega swift subject change ... I have no fucking idea what is going on with my periods at the moment! I had two very close together a while back, and then there has been nothing for ages. I decided to stay off the pill because err, well there isn't much need to be taking it at the moment *ahem - moving swiftly on* ... so anyway I stopped taking it in the hope that it would help to sort things out ... but it's been nada, nothing & zilch for weeks now.

I have had a really REALLY bad backache for days now ... I'd put it down to the way I have been hunched over my laptop number crunching - but it is actually really really hurting. I'm wondering now whether it's a sign of a killer period incoming!

Grrrrrrrrr LOL

I woke up with astronomical toothache around 5am and it took a while for the painkillers to kick in, so by the time my alarm went off I really hadn't had enough sleep and woke up feeling groggy this morning. I swear toothache is WORSE than childbirth! At least with childbirth it's pain with a purpose and it may hurt like hell, but at least you know it's going to end!

This toothache is killing me. I'd originally thought that it was related to my period because it seemed to hit when I was on ... but even that has been hard to track recently. I didn't have a period for a few months after Christmas, then I had a nasty heavy one ... then I've had two in the last 5 weeks ... this last one has really dragged on too, but it seems to have finished today and I still have the toothache. If I could afford the dentist - I'd go ... meanwhile I'll just keep relying on painkillers!

I still went into work this mornig ready to crack on despite feeling like crap because my newfound motivation won't let a lil thing like toothache get in the way! I seriously felt like curling up on the sofa in my "staff room" and just going to sleep, but instead I got some orders poured, made some hurricanes for stock and paperwork wise, I have got my most outstanding year now filed into date order in my filing cabinet!!! Yeah, I rock!!

In true "Dee style" I've got pretty coloured dividers separating the months out so it's organised AND pretty LOL and I bought a pink notepad to staple my current cash receipts into! LOL Tomorrow's plan is to start on the rest of the filing and I've set myself a target of this weekend to have it ALL filed in monthly order! By next week I need to be going through my old bank statements (which I have also found and filed!!!) to add up all of the incomings and outgoings year by year. Once I reach that point, I'll be able to make an appointment with my local tax office and they will help me to fill in the returns once I have the numbers. This totally negates the need to pay an accountant and saves money -- something I love to do!!! Okay so I won't have a full accounts listing for those outstanding years, but I'll know the numbers and I'll be able to work out exactly what I owe the tax man and I'll have the paperwork to back it all up.

Plus ... with L's help I have been working out exactly what my current costs are ... ie the essential things that I need to pay to keep the business afloat and I have a much better idea of what actually constitutes a good and bad week now!!

The thing that has frustrated me today is that all of the data entry I did last night into QuickBooks has all been for nothing because I realised this afternoon that it was all screwy!! I realised this when I was invoicing a customer and recording it as paid, then marking the actual payment into my bank register ... I figured it was registering the payment twice as far as income goes and thereby giving a false profit reading! This is not good!! It's what you get for a free download version huh!

I do actually own a full working copy of QuickBooks with the key code and registration code .... mine is the 2001 version and I rang QuickBooks customer service hoping to get a download site so that I could re-install it without the CD, but unfortunately my version is so old now that they no longer support it! The woman I spoke to was really helpful and said that as I was an existing customer I can get the current 2008 pro version for a discounted price AND I could pay monthly via direct debit. I snapped it up! It also includes an upgrade to the 2009 version when that's ready. CDs are on the way and that will then be my way of getting the current financial year (from April 1st onwards) absolutely 100% up to date!

I haven't had a single anxiety attack or felt the real "rush" of stress and panic since I started going through the paperwork last Thursday. Funny that eh. The crazy thing is that I've know all along that THIS has been one of the root causes of my stress, yet it's been the thing that I have avoided doing for so frigging long now. I'm still very worried about it all because the more I get involved with the numbers, the more I worry I can't afford to make it ... but that just makes me MORE determined to sort it all out!!

My period ... plus headache & toothache - oh joy, lucky me

It is official - I have the killer period from hell. I could probably cope with the stomach cramps, the lower backache and being slightly more emotional than usual - but damnit my body has to throw in an evil toothache and then just to finish me off completely, a headache too.

Short version of the day - my stress levels have been rising VERY VERY high and I've had a couple of "small" panic attacks throughout the day. A friend actually witnessed a part of it - and no matter what, I always try not to let people see how bad I can get when my anxiety and stress levels rise.

Thankfully, the friend who was there turned out to be the perfect person to talk me through it. I don't know what I would have done without being able to just talk and breathe and that point and have someone just listen, tell me I CAN get through this and remind me of light at the end of the tunnel.

I'd had a headache all day, but by the time I had picked up the kids from school, the toothache was much worse, and that was the point the headache seriously kicked in and made me wonder whether it was actually a migraine instead of just a headache. I took a first dose of pain killers at that point, then by 4pm I felt myself going downhill rapidly.

I did some research earlier and I think I have what is very affectionately termed "menstrual migraine" caused by a drop in oestrogen ... remember I'd had no period for 3 months and then I decided to stop taking the pill so I could try to have a natural cycle (it's been six weeks since I stopped the pill) so there is my reduction in oestrogen!

I feel dizzy and off balance like I've been on a roundabout and my head is killing me. Bright lights make it worse and all the while I stay relatively still, it hurts less. Moving around definitely makes it much worse.

So hi ho, hi ho it's off to take more pills I go ....

This post is about my period ... read on if you dare!!!

Avert your eyes if you are the remotest bit embarrassed by "women's things" LOL This post is about my period!

I take the pill religiously every day without fail because I have a horribly irregular natural cycle and it helps me to know when to expect my period. It can be an awful shock when you are out for the evening in a pair of white trousers and you suddenly get your period. NO it has never happened to me, but my fear of it meant I never wore white until I discovered the pill! LOL

Anyway ... damn I sidetrack a lot don't I!

I haven't had a period since Christmas. I hadn't overly worried because I know my body very well (I've known it thirty two and a half years!) and I also know there is no chance of me being pregnant ... I did a test a couple of months ago at the start of January just to be absolutely sure and surprise surprise it was a big fat negative.

I just put it down to stress because I remember all to clearly the last year with my ex boyfriend ... I was with him for five years and the last year we were together I didn't have a period AT ALL and I was taking my pill to the letter! I was back and forth to the doctor (at one point I did get pregnant by my ex despite the pill and had a miscarriage as I hadn't known I was pregnant and was doing a lot of stupid stuff but that is a whole other post!)

Anyway ... since then, I've always had pretty irregular periods. I even tried norplant and the depo injection but they sent my already screwy emotions completely outta whack. I eventually went on the pill again, doctors put it down to being stressed out in a bad relationship and blah blah.

I split with my ex, tried out a couple of different varieties of the pill with the doctor and eventually found a brand that worked for me and didn't turn me into a hormonal bitch from hell! LOL! After that the pill was kind of my regulator! I take a pill for 21 days and then have 7 days off. During that seven days I bleed for about 3.5 and it's usually fairly light to moderate. It's been that way for over a decade ... until just before Christmas anyway!

BUT the last period I had was actually in December. Admittedly I had "backpacked" my pills in November (for reasons I won't discuss in a public post!!) so that I didn't come on... but since then despite taking the pill properly, I've not bled at all. Anyway, after I took the negative test a couple months ago (I can't believe I am posting this in my blog but there ya go!) I decided that again "just incase" - to be doubly sure and all that jazz ... that I would take a test by the end of March if I hadn't come on!!

Soooo it was only actually a few days ago that I took yet another (very negative!) pregnancy test! The weirdest thing was ... as soon as I started thinking about the (exceptionally ... and seriouly, I mean SLIM) chance that I could be pregnant ... my boobs started to feel tender, I had to pee more often and funnily enough I hadn't been sick in a LONG time. See, whenever I've been pregnant before (pg 4 times had 2 miscarriages - one with my ex, one with hub then 2 children) I have ALWAYS had morning sickness.

In fact, I remember it wasn't even morning sickness - I referred to it as "Martini Sickness" ... ie anytime, anyplace, anywhere!! It was one of the first cues that I was pregnant ... and the fact that my being sick seemed to have stopped? It was all such a weird bizarre co-incidence.

Anyway (damn I am waffling tonight aren't I!) I had decided last night that I would take another pregnancy test in the morning "just to be absolutely doubly sure" because the first test I did when I was with Megan was a negative even though it worked out I would have definitely been pregnant at the time. It was only when I re-took the test two weeks later that it showed positive. A scan even proved I was 11 weeks at the time, so the test should have showed positive. The first test I did when I was pg with Nathan showed up right away and I was only very barely pregnant with him. My body is as wacky as my mind - go figure!

The weirdest thing was after thinking about that last night and starting to really worry about the possibility (yeah I slept badly too) .. I threw up this morning. It wasn't pretty is all I will say! Even the kids asked me if I'd been crying - LOL yeah I looked that bad!!! It was the start of me really feeling like absolute shite today.

I even remember thinking first thing this morning (about the point I gave up looking in the mirror and just put a hat on to take the kids to school!) ... I thought, is it me or is it just ironic that I throw up again (major pregnancy symptom after not throwing up for a LONG time) when I really start to panic about the "remote" (and seriously, it is a very very very remote possiblity! LOL) chance that I could be pregnant?

Bizarre how it was negative eh! LOL

(yeah I know, I take forever to get to the point!!)

So even though I was feeling crabby and crappy ... baggy and bloated. I went into work to do literally "the necessary" and came straight back home again. I put it down to working so hard recently for so many days in a row straight ... and needing almost a day off to recover from my day off yesterday!

Then - about half one this afternoon it happened! (cue Hallelujah chorus!) The reason for several anxiety / panic attacks today ... the reason why I have felt like I've been dragged through a hedge backwards!!

I GOT MY PERIOD! YEAH!!!!!! It's been incredibly light and hardly noticeable, but I'll deal on that! LOL I'm not just happy that I have absolute concrete proof that I am in fact NOT pregnant (even though the possibility was slim - did I say that enough yet? LOL) but it's also a reason why I have felt crappy and gained 2lbs this week! HAH!!

Okay period talk over - you can read again!!

The funniest thing was ... well, it wasn't funny as in haha but more funny as in hmmmm .... for that 2 minutes that I avoided looking at the results window, I actually hoped it would be positive even though I knew it would be negative!! Clear as mud? LOL A positive result would not have been a good result considering errr "circumstances" for want of a better term, but there was still a tiny part of me that knew there was that very VERY slim possibility.

I'm going to be 33 in July (tick tock and all that) and it's now very unlikely that I will ever have another baby. Those two minutes were almost like my last chance saloon and oh am I feeling it!

Hadn't meant to end on a melancholy note :-( Hopefully tomorrow will bring a better day ... and maybe I really REALLY need to get a puppy!!

Night Sweats

Okay I have to blog about this because it might be important...

I've had the most awful night sweats for the last couple of nights where I have literally woken up with my PJs drenched. I wear a pair of cotton shorts and a vest t-shirt in bed normally, but even sleeping completely naked last night didn't make a difference. When I woke up in the middle of night I had to turn my pillow over because it was so wet with sweat, and then this morning I had to completely fix my sheet because it was all twisted somehow.

Even though I feel like I slept well because of my extra sleep in the mornings over this weekend, I know I had very disturbed nights from the state of the bed in the morning!

It's scary. I did a google search for "night sweats" and the first thing I came up with was symptoms of the menopause! Menopause doesn't usually hit until a woman is in her 40s, but I haven't actually had a period in a couple of months ... and I AM 33 this year! I'm not panicking about menopause seriously or anything, but I haven't actually had a period in a couple of months now ... and no I'm not pregnant LOL just trust me on that one!

Anyway, for whatever reason, I've been sweating a LOT at night. The heating isn't on overnight, I only wear shorts and a vest in bed and I always sleep with a window open. Even with that, my nights have been really disturbed. I wonder whether it's to do with my happy pills ... I had the dose increased recently and increased sweating is a listed side effect. I guess I've been on the higher dose for around a month or so, and that's roughly how long it can take for it to kick in, so maybe it's a part of it ...

Either way, there's something just not quite right about being a woman and not having a period every month, especially as I have been feeling so goddamned broody recently! I even did a pregnancy test last month just to check for sure ... and for that minute until the result showed up, I thought about how I would cope with a new baby, how life would change but how great it would be.

The test was negative.

I can't explain it! I suppose I always saw myself with three children and with things the way they are, there's no way of me ever having another baby. Don't get me wrong, I love Megan and Nathan with everything that I am and I wouldn't change them for the world ... there's just something inside me that is so very aware of how my body clock is ticking and that I am getting closer and closer to 35...

*sigh*

I should just get a puppy or something!