School report day & Proud Mama!

BOTH my fantastic kids got great school reports today! I knew Megan had done well this year, but it was so good to see it in print. Her teacher's quote was that Megan had "worked her socks off!" I'm so proud of that girl! She has never been strong at maths but she is *improving* and as far as I am concerned she's doing just brilliantly!

Nathan's report really surprised the crap out of me!! His teacher commented on how his concentration and focus have really improved over the year ... and last year's report was full of "variable" for his effort - intersperted with the very odd "good!" This year it was ALL good with a VERY good in there for design technology! I nearly cried as I was reading it! He's done so well.

They have BOTH done so well. It makes me really proud!!!

Anyway, it's nearly 10pm on Tuesday evening ... I have JUST finished all of the re-labelling of the stock ready for market tomorrow. It had BETTER be a good day ... if it isn't then I don't even want to think about where I will be. I need to make money this week!

I haven't done even half the things I wanted to achieve this evening ... and I still need to shower - the thought of a 5am shower is NOT a good one!

I did get pics of the new labels ... but again it will have to wait ... I could waffle on here all night but it won't get my work done or me showered! LOL

it was "Yell at Dee Day" today ... and the resulting melancholy!!

I got yelled at twice today by two different people - both pretty important people in my life ... and both within a couple of hours of each other!! I am not going to elaborate or go into detail of the who/what/why/when/why and how because both people did apologise for the yelling part (even though I admit there was a reason behind the yelling - i.e. Dee has fucked up again) and it's all dealt with and okay now ... but it really did get me thinking.

I am wondering whether I've been too "up in the clouds" about everything lately. I do have a tendancy to kind of go off on a tangent with things and I KNOW get a little over enthusiastic ... but if I don't put myself out there and actively make changes then nothing is going to happen. I cannot just sit here and wait for things to happen for me because life just doesn't work that way.

It just feels like no matter what I do I am in the wrong at the moment. I seem to go from feeling up to feeling totally crap and that I am the worst person in the world!

Translated - I am a bad mother.

I'm worried about my relationship with my children. Part of me doesn't want to say anything here because I know Megan sometimes reads my blog and a lot of my friends & family read what I write here ... but if being honest on my blog means that the people close to me can get inside my head more ... then that's what this is all about!!

I am working a LOT at the moment. Every spare minute I have is spent working ... I'm either on my laptop working on the website, designing promotions, doing accounts & paperwork ... or I am out of the house at the workshop.

I worry that I don't have enough quality time with them - that I am too focussed on myself & the business right now and that they will end up resenting me for it. They are at such a critical age at the moment - both of them and I want nothing more than for them to both look back on their childhood and say to people that they had a brilliant childhood!!

In short, I worry I am not doing a good enough job as a mother.

Nathan is a funny one ... because of his "problems" ... I honestly think that as long as he is fed, watered and has access to a computer and his nightly "snuggles" with me on the sofa then he'll be just fine. If I want to actually TALK to him, I need to sit with him on the stairs where there are no distractions and then I'll get all of 5 minutes before he loses interest! He is very hard to actually get inside of because of his ADHD/Aspergers ... but at the same time he is very very loving and we have a wonderful relationship. I can say without question that Nathan hugs are THE best in the world!

It's Megan I worry about. She is nearly ten and those double figures are a scary birthday number for a mother - well, for me anyway! She is so grown up and at the age now where she is really developing as a young lady as well as an individual with her own distinct tastes, likes & dislikes. I'm worried that I work too much and don't spend enough quality time with her. I want her to look back on her childhood and truly know that her Mum was there for her no matter what. I worry that I don't get to spend enough time with her and that there is just "too much to do" with the accounts, working on the website etc when I am at home ... that's when I'm not trying to clean up and stay on top of the housework! The rest of the time she's at school or I'm at work!

I just want my kids to know that the whole reason why I am doing this is for them. I need them to know that I work hard to try to give them a better future and to make up for the mistakes I made in the past. I still make mistakes every single day, but I realised not too long ago that I'm not superwoman and that it is okay not to be able to do everything. Gawd knows I still have a hell of a lot to put them through yet, but I'll take it one day at a time.

Even though I am very much aware of mistakes I've made in the past and I work so hard to try to fix them, I still screw up! I'm not perfect. Far from it. Today for example ... being yelled at twice by two different people for two different reasons. It really brought me down.

Anyway ... I think I need a bath and an early night. It's Monday tomorrow - a new day and a new week.

Ohh I did LOADS today!

Today has been a really good day! I was in the workshop this morning and got a ton of stock votives poured ready for the East Preston market on Wednesday. I made myself a list of the scents I wanted to take with me and got them ALL poured!

I spent the afternoon when I got back chilling in the garden with the kids - it was really nice and it was great to spend time with them. I forget sometimes what great little people they are!!

Megan is growing up TOOOOOO fast these days - it scares me! One of her classmates has already started her periods, and knowing that my daughter and her friends are that developed ... woah it's scary stuff for a mother!

And Mr Nathan ... well it was a surprise to see him actually EATING ... let alone eating a chicken wing - AND thoroughly enjoying it too!!

Yeah ... a good weekend!!!

Thursday Grrrrrrrrrrrr!

Grrrrrrrrrrrr is the best way to describe today! Part of me can't believe it is Thursday already. This week has gone SO quickly!!

I went "dog shopping" with Mum this morning. We drove to Ford near Arundel for a small local dog rescue place to meet "Amber". Amber is a 2.5 year old whippet that Mum met a couple of days ago and fell in love with! We went over there today with Molly (my dog) to see how they would get on but unfortunately the school called and I had to cut it short just as we'd started a walk, and go to sort out Nathan. Let's just say he'd had an "accident" of the toilet kind and I wasn't impressed!!

I KNOW it is part of his ADHD/Aspergers diagnosis, but still ... he's eight years old now and MORE than old enough to be able to take himself to the toilet, but unfortunately, I still find myself cleaning up his shit in more ways than one! He was very apologetic this evening and promised me that it wouldn't happen again, but it's all words I've heard before and don't really believe any more.

So anyway ... yeah a Grrrrrr day! I accomplished the sum total of naff all really yet was constantly on the go!

This evening I've tweaked the website a little, updated the testimonials from recent customer emails and worked on some number crunching.

My my what an exciting life I lead!!!

Nathan's quad bike ride!!

My mum organised a fantastic treat for Nathan as part of his birthday! She arranged for him to spend some time at the beach patrol office in Worthing. He got to look around the lifeboat - they let him sit in the driving seat and start up the engine ... he had a brilliant time!! I dosed myself up on painkillers for the toothache and smiled all the way through it for Nathan!

Ohhh and of course not forgetting the quad bike that the guys use to patrol the beach that he got to ride on!! OMG did he love this or what!!!

The guys from the office were really fantastic and showed him a great time! He said his favourite part was going for a ride on the quad bike around the beach!

Loved this shot of him talking in the mic to the guys out on the boat!

A great afternoon and a very happy little boy! This is the team that looked after him ... and of course his sister in the shot as well :-)

Birthday cake :-)

Yeah okay I know - I'm a terrible person! It's taken me two days to get photos online from Nathan's birthday! Bad bad Dee!

Yummy delicious chocolate cake ... mmmmm

It was a bit of a mis-match of cake candles but I found eight, and I don't think it really mattered!!

Nathan's Birthday :-)

Well he made it to 8 years old!! I do have some pics, but I've had such a hectic day (more about that later) that I haven't had a chance to download anything yet!

Nathan had a fabulous day - pressies in the morning and he got a new Nintendo DS (his third one due to breaking them GRRRR!) with a new game from his dad and me ... some Ben 10 toys from his Aunt & Uncle, a cheque from his Gran and a football & England watch from his Nan.

In the past we have always gone waaaaaay overboard with presents, but this year I'd purposely said to hub that I didn't want to be spending a fortune on extra little bits and pieces because a) we can't afford to, and b) we are spending £100 between us on a new DS AND a new game!!

To be honest, Nathan loved what he got, he's a happy boy, and I don't think he missed out AT ALL with "quantity" because he does understand the value of what he got too.

Apparently he had an "awesome" day at school too! Always good to hear!

This evening we all went out for a family meal at the restaurant around the corner (The Sussex Potter) at Nathan's choice! Ate waaaay too much, had fabulous desserts, made a complete mess and thoroughly enjoyed ourselves!

Where's Dee up to with the paperwork I hear you asking?

Well, so kind of you to ask! LOL Okay so my mission today was to sort through the oldest papedwork and get that in month order... nice big tick on the ole checklist there! Tomorrow the plan is to START 2005 month order filing and get some orders poured. I sent out a fair few boxes today, got paperwork filed AND I have even organised a system to file all of the current and future paperwork too!

Damn I am actually loving sorting all of this out --- I just WISH I had got off of my giant (slowly shrinking thanks to the gym) backside months --- no, years ago! *sigh* I'd be in a MUCH better position today if I was *insert more deep sighing and regret* Ack ok enough with the self butt kicking ... I'm sorting it out NOW and really getting into it!! At work today amidst a massive circle of paperwork (12 months in a year = 12 piles of papers!) .... I stopped and just smiled to myself because I feel like weight is being lifted from me daily ... hahaha no wonder the gym is working for me ... I'm exercising my stress calories away!!

Anyway ... (lol I do ramble huh)

This evening my mission is to input every customer I've had since April 1st 2008 into my newly installed QuickBooks and raise an invoice through the software so that I can see straight away exactly how much I'm making currently. I'm not going to allow myself to go to bed until it's done! I've got 3 more weeks of customers to input from the bank statement up to the current date, then I just have to add the ones from the shopping cart that I haven't been paid for yet .... but I'll forgive myself not doing that bit until tomorrow - well, depending on what time it is when I'm done with this lot anyway!!

A couple of people even commented today that I am sounding happier and looking better! I swear it could be a combination of losing that extra 3lbs outside of my comfort zone, braving up to sorting through the paperwork ... or all manner of outside influences and you wanna know what? I don't care! I feel more positive right now than I've felt in a l-o-n-g time and it feels great! I can face the world and whatever is thrown at me tomorrow because I'm not going to sweat the small stuff anymore (nope gonna file it instead! HAH!) and damnit forget the present --- I'm living for the future from now onwards!!!!

Okay time to come down from my cloud and get my head back into these numbers!!!

A really good Friday!!

Ohhhh it's been such a good day today! First thing this morning before going into work, I repotted *everything* LOL It all looks terrific in the conservatory - my tomatoes are in individual pots, and potted on all of my latest seedlings. The basil and chervill look terrific!! I'm such a proud plant mama!

Got a call from the optician today and after school I took Nathan down to the optician to pick up his glasses... he looks great! They really suit him! I didn't take any pics because I was running sooooo far behind this afternoon!!

I am REALLY looking forward to tomorrow .... I have secret stuff planned with my sister but I can't say more than that incase eyes that shouldn't be reading this ... are reading this! LOL

Anyway, a bit of a short entry this evening ... It has been such a hugely busy day that I didn't even have time for the friday five!!!

Ok I give up ... could waffle on for ages but I need my pillow!!

My blurry lil boy! LOL

Nathan has been having headaches for a while and I took him to the optician today for an eye test. I told the optician in advance that Nathan had ADHD & Aspergers and it was almost amusing watching the poor optician struggle to get Nathan to concentrate!

One of the symptoms of Aspergers is lack of eye contact - Nathan finds it very difficult to look into someone's eyes for a prolonged period of time ... so it was very difficult for Nathan to do the eye test but he tried really hard!

I gave the optician permission to put drops into Nathan's eyes to "unfocus" them and stop them from rolling around all over the place ... this made his eyesight go completely blurry and it will be blurry for the next 8 hours or so. Poor lil guy!!

Anyway, the drops allowed the optician to look right into the back of Nathan's eyes and the resulting prescription is long sightedness. This means he can see really well far away, but not so well up close and this will hopefully mean less headaches.

We picked out a cool pair of blue metal frames for him which will hopefully be ready by Tuesday next week and he'll need to wear them for reading, writing, computer, TV and close up stuff etc.

Meanwhile it's the middle of the afternoon and all of the curtains are closed because bright light is hurting his eyes! He's been walking around all squinty and not really sure what to do with himself ... thankfully this is only temporary and he'll be fine by the time he goes to bed!

Sorry - crappy photo in bad light using my phone! LOL

Nathan DR update and *shock* I'm a GOOD mother?

What a wonderful update to be able to give the doctor! Nathan has been seeing a specialist at the children's centre in the local hospital since we first started on the road to diagnosis four years ago, and although his appointments were once every 12 weeks, he's now only seen every 6 months for an update because he is stable on his medication and doing well.

He's also grown just over a centimetre to 118cm and has gained half a kilo in the last 6 months ... It doesn't sound like much, but for a child that eats hardly *anything* and is Skinny McSkinny that would almost snap in half ... it's good that he gains weight and height - even little bits!

Other than the odd toilet accident to be negative about (all part of his diagnosis anyway) and the annoying way he doesn't eat "proper" food, everything else I had to tell his specialist was all good stuff! His reading has improved tenfold and I took his current school reading book along for him to read a bit to her - she was impressed! Told her about how he's had several merits for maths, how his teacher commented on the fact that although his handwriting is messy, his SPELLING is actually very good for a child his age. It was just all good stuff to tell her! We talked a little about his eating habits, made sure I was positive (with Nathan in the room listening too!) about how he HAS been trying some new foods recently and discovered extra things he likes.

She said to me how NICE it was to hear a parent being so positive and encouraging about their child!! She said all day that she hears nothing but negativity from parents and that Nathan's improvements are obviously very much down to being in a supportive environment and good parenting.

Made me proud of myself to hear someone "official" tell me I am a good mum! I know I am faaaaaaaar from perfect and I screw up a lot as a parent, but I think we all do because there aint no book out there that can tell you how to do it - you just have to love your kids and want the best for them and that isn't exactly hard to do :-)

And then the kids were on school holidays

... and the normality of my every day life goes completely up the swanny!!

I'm lucky that hub offered to take Monday off and work from home today so I was able to get into the workshop yesterday and today. Truth is, it hasn't come at a mega bad time because orders have been very slow over the last few days. If I HAVE to take enforced time off (ie kids off school) then I would rather it were when things are slow because it makes me feel less guilty!

On the downside, it means orders are slow! *sigh* time for another website revamp? I am gonna get pro-active over the next couple of weeks that the kids are on holiday (Damn the screwy easter dates this year!)

Soooo this evening I am trying desperately to put together a new format for the website that will really bring in the sales!! Mama has gotta go get seriously productive!

April 6th - a SNOW day???

Well the snow sure came down! I was woken up at 9am by kids excitedly squealing about snow!! I dropped Megan over at her friend's house and after lunch we went to play out in the snow!! My mum came along too with Rosie Dog and we had a great laugh!

I was vaguely amused by how my normally very white dog looked decidedly yellow against the snow!! Nathan and his dad were having quite evil snowball fights and I am just glad they all abided by the "No throwing snowballs near mum's camera" rule! Oh boy I took a ton of pics! Here's just some of 'em!! Mouse over for my comments! LOL

Here's a couple of token "snowy landscape" shots! On the left ... I loved this angle with the trees and branches framing the contrast of the white snow (a field that still had virgin snow!) against the grey sky.

On the right I had just looked up into this gorgeous tree with snow covered white flowers and had to take a quick shot!! They look crap as small resized pics, but full size they look awesome!

Madness really - it's frigging APRIL!!

Leopard Boy & Pirate Girl

Hehehe well this was actually last week but I lost my USB cable and couldn't download from my proper camera!

At Beavers, there are a few soft toys that are dressed up as Beaver mascots, and given to different boys each week for smartest dressed, best behaved, hardest working etc. Last week Nathan got to bring home Leopard Boy for working hard! As you can see from the smile he was chuffed to bits!! Nathan gets a lot from Beavers - as well as having a LOT of fun, he really learns a lot there too because he's interested in it - that's definitely the key with keeping this one occupied!!

At Brownies last week the girls had a Pirate themed evening and had to dress up in costume! Needless to say we raided her brother's dressing up box for a pirate shirt that was waaay too small but looked fantastic anyway over a blue t-shirt that she chose because it looked like the ocean! She borrowed Nathan's pirate hat, teamed it with black trousers and hey presto an almost Pirate!!

Take one box of Mum's face paints and twenty minutes later we have a Perfect Pirate with a painted eye patch and matching scar on her cheek! There were a lot of brownies there with obviously brand new specially bought pirate outfits but I reckon something put together from bits and pieces and a lil bit of face paint is MUCH more fun! She had a great time and came 2nd in the competition for best pirate!!

Monday Mornings .... LOL

The mornings in this house work like a well oiled machine most of the time! In order to have enough time to get everything done, I need to be up and out of bed by 7.15am. I set my alarm for 7am but I snooze it for 15 mins so I feel the benefit of a lie in! LOL Mad but it works!!

So anyway this morning after the kids had finished breakfast and Megan had gone off to get dressed ... I mentally assessed everything left to do

Lunchboxes made ... CHECK!
Me had a shower ... CHECK!
Me looking vaguely respectable to leave the house ... CHECK
Kids brushed teeth ... CHECK
Nathan's uniform in a neat pile ready ... CHECK

All's well. THEN my morning went something like this ...

"Nathan ... Nathan for the fourth time .... get dressed!" (I am pointing to a pile of folded and ready to go school clothes.) Meanwhile Nathan is still spinning around in circles and waving a vacuum cleaner attachment around! (Mental check to self, yes I DID give him his ADHD meds with his breakfast)

"Nathan, I'm not going to ask you anymore. I am going to start TELLING you. Now GET DRESSED!"

"Alright Mummy, no need to shout" says the little voice as he starts putting on his uniform (still spinning around but I disregard that because he is actually getting dressed!)

GRRRR RAAAAHHHH Monday mornings are UGH enough without hassle before we even get to school! LOL Guess what? It didn't stop there! We spent 10 minutes looking for his shoes ... which we eventually found in the shoe cupboard (in my defence his shoes are NEVER in the proper place which is why it was the last place I looked!)

We are just on our way off out of the door when I go to grab his book bag and find that the cat has pi$$ed all over it! DOUBLE GRRRR Luckily it's waterproof, so I bung the contents into a carrier bag, scrawl his name on it and hustle them out of the door!!

We got to school about 30 seconds after the bell had gone ... PHEW!!

Thankfully Monday mornings are now my morning off ... after working all weekend it's nice to just relax for an extra hour alone in the house before I head into the workshop!! What a morning and it's only 9.15am!

Easy like Sunday mornings .....

I've had another really good day today too! I allowed myself the luxury of another lay in and then headed into the workshop for mid-morning. I don't know whether it was the 4 cups of coffee I'd had before I left, but I got an absolute metric fu*k load done today too! All the prep I did yesterday has been poured, I've made all the votives I need for stock boxes in the stock room, made some hurricane candles AND finished off a wholesale order.

I'm actually completely OUT of packing boxes - hopefully those will arrive tomorrow, so in the meantime I have been through all of the completed orders, packaged it all and put each order together so that all I need to do is literally bubble wrap and box it when my boxes arrive.

Had dinner at mum's tonight and Nathan surprised us all by being so well behaved! He didn't eat much (he never does when it is "proper" food as opposed to sausages/scampi/nuggets & chips!) but he sat properly, used his knife and fork and was polite! He even cleared the table without being asked! I know .... shocking!! Needless to say he got lots of praise!!

It's 7pm now and my plan is to get the kids in bed, go get comfy on my own bed and settle down to do some writing!

What a great weekend it's been!!

I'm an awful person ...

In short .... (because I have been drinking and intend this to be a short blog entry but heck you never know with me!)

My show on Saturday was SHIT. It wasn't even worth getting out of bed for. The only thing that made it worth it was having Megan there to talk to! It really was a pile of crap. The ONLY lining in the cloud was that the table cost was 10& of sales! I showed the organiser my sales totals at the end of the day and I handed over £3.70. Yeah, it was THAT BAD!! Hardly anyone through the door!! I was so pissed off it was untrue!!!

On the upside, Sunday was Mothers Day and I did have a lovely wakeup when two children bounced on me around 7am with gifts!! Megan made me a lovely notebook holder covered in glitter (with a heart notepad) at Brownies, and Nathan made me a card and a photo frame at Beavers last week. It was truly lovely because their dad didn't have to take them out to BUY me something ... it was handmade from the heart :-D

I've had a bit of a sad and melancholy day today that I really can't blog about in public and part of that annoys the CRAP out of me! I know there are quite a few people who do read this blog regularly (yeah I know who all three of you are! LOL), and there are some things that I can't say in public.

All I can really say is that I reached a decision today that broke my heart to do. It's a purely personal thing and nothing to do with work (although I have been thinking about that too!) ... but this decision has been a long time coming. It's been really HARD for me recently as I have felt stuck between a rock and a hard place ... and today, although it cut me to the core and hurt me immensely ... I made the choice.

That's all I can say about it online really!

If you are one of the three people I have mentioned (my closest friends and I love you guys!) then you will know what I am talking about! The rest of you will just have to guess because my lips are sealed!

Meanwhile ... the conscious decision I made yesterday (Sunday eve) not to drink on a Mon, Tues or Weds eve flew straight out of the window tonight when hub brought home a box of wine after he'd walked the dog. I think he could just tell I needed it even though I couldn't honestly tell him why...

I wish I could go into more detail here because I am in the mood to waffle (yeah 4th glass of wine!) but I can't. I will say that the alcohol ended up being a very good idea because I am pretty numb right now.

And thank FUCK for spell check!!

I just feel bad for so many reasons right now. It's been a truly bad day - certainly the worst on record for at least a year!!

Ok, so mebbe that wasn't so short ... so sue me!

Wow ... the things I learned about my son tonight!!!

Wow, the things I have learned about my little boy tonight have truly astounded me!

It's been a weird day really. I woke up this morning and I really just didn't want to drag the kids into the workshop with me! I turned the alarm clock off and allowed myself the indulgence of a lay in until 9.30am! I could hear the kids downstairs but there were no sounds of screaming, so I just huddled myself under my duvet until I FELT like getting up!

This evening at hub's suggestion, we all went out for a "family" meal ... the kids have been so well behaved recently and it was hub's payday - plus the freezer is pretty much totally empty, and with me clearing out the kitchen cupboards yesterday ... well there wasn't much in the house!!

Anyway, after trudging around a few different places, trying to find somewhere that didn't have a 20-30 min wait for a table for four ... we finally got seated back at the first place we went too!

The kids were impeccable with their behaviour! I was proud of the pair of them! We went to a family friendly restaurant that provides colouring pens and activity sheets

That's the background ... but the thing is ... after a few glasses of wine I was feeling decidedly squiffy so we weren't exactly hugely forthcoming about getting the kids in bed! Hub was doing some work and I was watching Dawn Porter do her lesbian thang (so gotta post about that separately!) when it occurred to me to get them into bed!

Fast forward past the whole go to bed, kisses & cuddles bit ... I'm sat here with another glass of wine and Nathan comes in telling me he has had a bad dream about colours!

THAT intruigued the crap out of me so I asked him to explain. He told me that his dream was yellow with a black hole in the middle but that sometimes it was colours other than yellow.

OMG it was fascinating. I got him to draw his dream for me and he drew a big circle (in biro) that he told me was yellow and then did a black circle in the middle of it. From there I got him to make me a list of happy and sad colours, but he re-named it colours he liked and colours he hated! Yellow was top of the hate list, followed by black and all kinds of dark colours. Top of his love list was red orange and pink together like a sunset... and that just blew my mind! He said blue is an okay colour as long as it isn't too dark, white and grey are in the middle and he absolutely loves ALL (his words) types of green.

It was fascinating and totally blew my mind. He took his list to bed with him but I plan on secreting it away later to look at properly. It smacks of being a very Aspergers thing ... and it reminded me a lot of "The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time" ... I forget the author but it's about a boy with severe Aspergers (Nathan is mild to mid) and it was just wow ... because that boy saw yellow as a bad luck colour too. It is definitely worth mentioning to his specialist at the hospital when he's seen again.

Utterly fascinating. I saw an insight into my little man tonight that I have never EVER had before.

I should NOT still be cleaning up sh*t with no babies in the house!!!!

Major, huge .. no fucking ENORMOUS vent about to happen here ... avert your eyes if you are offended by the word POOH.

Nathan has ADHD and Aspergers. Although I've mentioned it here before, I've not really blogged a huge amount about his diagnosis and what it means to "us" as a family group.

ADHD stands for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder - it basically means that he is like a constant live wire with energy free flowing 24 hours a day. He cannot sit still without fidgeting or bouncing and nothing (except the computer, Nintendo DS or playstation) will hold his interest for more than a few minutes. He can run off without warning in a busy street or supermarket, talks incessantly … and basically is constantly exhausting. It’s easier to say he has basically no concept of self preservation!

The signs were there when he was about 2 years old that there was something not quite right about him. I’d already had Megan and although she was a girl and girls are different … there was just something I knew as a parent wasn’t quite right. I had real trouble toilet training him at 18 months … decided to wait till he was 2½ … then decided to wait till he was nearly 3 … and when he started pre-school at 3 and still wasn’t properly toilet trained we were pretty much told to either put him back in nappies or remove him because they didn’t have the staff to deal with it! He was also then held back for a term from starting school because he STILL wasn’t fully toilet trained and still having a lot of accidents. The GP was useless and said he’d “grow out of it” and that it was a typical toddler! I was told that they wouldn’t do anything about the toileting until he was 4 and I literally had him down there the day after his 4th birthday!

It took a LOT of pushing on my part to get an appointment through the child services department to get him seen by someone … ANYONE that would take me seriously and at that point it was a 9-12 month waiting list! It was literally by phoning at LEAST once a week to see if there was a cancellation and making myself known to the receptionist that we FINALLY got an appointment after about 3 months wait.

Ugh there were so many forms to fill in. We had to answer these pages and pages of questions about Nathan’s behaviour, and similar forms were sent to the school. To get a diagnosis for ADHD both the school and parents / caregivers have to respond similarly to the questionnaires (they are tailored differently for each of us)

We met with so many different doctors and people … and then the diagnosis was made, it was like the world made sense! When the doctor first mentioned autism I was really scared because my only “experience” of autism was watching the movie Rain Man and that is SO FAR from Nathan!

Aspergers (AS) is different though. Autism is a huge umbrella that Aspergers is only a small part of! Aspergers is generally classified as a delay in language and cognitive development, motor ‘clumsiness’ and “atypical” use of language. That’s the technical description anyway. AS is different though … people with autism don’t generally like people invading their personal space, but Nathan LOVES being cuddled, held and we always have our “snuggles” before he goes to bed at night. He is very affectionate and loves nothing more than personal contact.

Here’s the Wikipedia description of Aspergers ….
“Unlike those with autism, people with AS are not usually withdrawn around others; they approach others, even if awkwardly, for example by engaging in a one-sided, long-winded speech about a favorite topic while being oblivious to the listener's feelings or reactions, such as signs of boredom or haste to leave.”

See, I read that and thought OMG that is SOOOOO Nathan!!! When he plays his fave Pokemon game on his Nintendo DS, he’ll literally narrate everything he’s doing and tell you all about which Pokemon is which, what their skill levels are, who they can beat and everything that is going on in his game at the time! You sit here and say “oh really, uhuh ….. yeah they can do that? Cool!” whilst really not listening to a word that he is saying! He'll contine talking well past the fourth or fifth time you have told him NATHAN SHUT THE FUCK UP! OMG how awful do I feel saying that? Especially knowing that he could read this at any time in the future!

Nathan, if you are reading this … sweetie I KNOW it isn’t your fault. I love you SO much, and I will ALWAYS love you no matter how much sh*t you smear all over my walls, but PLEASE you really have to understand that it pisses me off to STILL be cleaning up your sh*t at nearly 8 years old!

Even NOW he is 7 years old (8 in May) and although the accidents are fewer and far between, he still shits himself.

This evening I found my stairway walls and carpet smeared literally in Nathan’s cr*p. I smelled it before I saw it and the maddening thing is … when I called for him to get his butt there right now … and I said to him “I’ve just found something on the stairs Nathan … what could I have found?” He looked at me, then looked at the floor and very quietly (and I KNEW he was ashamed and embarrassed!) he said “pooh.”

Yeah umm you could say that. Smeared all over the walls AND the carpet up the stairs.

He got yelled at, told no computer tomorrow and was sent to bed early.

At the time of writing this (10.40pm) he is asleep in the hallway in a pile under his duvet. I made an executive decision to just leave him there and I’ll put him to bed after I take him to the toilet in half an hour or so.

*sigh*

I REALLY don’t know how to handle this sometimes. It’s NOT his fault and I KNOW that. Christ, life since prescription medication for Nathan has been bloody fantastic compared to what he is like without the drugs, but I hate that he could turn around to me in the future and be angry with me for medicating him. He’s 7½ years old and is on 30mg equasym XL a day which is a fair dose considering his age / build.

Still, what are you supposed to do when your son smears excrement all over the walls and carpet? He still has to be punished no matter what….

So why do I feel so guilty?

Proud Mum Moments (and a Nathan ADHD backtrack!)

Well YEAH I am one proud mum! Today was parent / teacher consultations up at the school and both of them got excellent reports!! I am never really that worried about Megan at school because she is highly motivated in herself and she's a sponge for learning. I mean seriously, I catch this girl singing multiplication tables along to a CD on the weekends!!! She is 9 and just generally great! Her teacher couldn't say enough nice things about her! Funny thing is that she said to me afterwards that she had actually been nervous about it and worried about what her teacher might say about her.

I do worry that my daughter is setting herself standards that are waaaay to high for herself and that she'll end up just like me and battling with herself to achieve. She is such a great kid - thoughtful, respectful and popular ... okay so she has a mouth on her and can seriously backchat, but hey she's a 9 year old girl and she's allowed occasionally!!

My 7 year old Nathan has ADHD and Aspergers and the school are very good and support him really well. I can't say enough how great their school has been! Funnily enough this has been the very FIRST time that I've not gone up for a parent / teacher chat with a feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach about what Nathan's teacher would say!! The thing is, Nathan has made such MAJOR improvements in his behaviour at home. He's had merits, stickers and headteacher awards at school, his toilet accidents are - well there haven't been any for weeks, and the fact that he has made such vast improvements at home could only mean a positive chat at school! I wasn't disappointed! His teacher gave me lots of positive feedback on him and his progress and yep generally it's all good!!!

Her biggest "beef" with him was to do with his handwriting and I have to agree. Part of the Aspergers side of things means he has trouble with fine motor control ie doing up buttons, laces, zips, pen control etc. In that respect he tends to "draw" his letters rather than write them and his hand writing is very messy. BUT she did also point out that his spelling was actually very good for his age, that he liked to write and writes a LOT for news writing etc, and that if he could just neaten up his work then he could actually be a very good writer. That was soooo encouraging, it really was!! He's having no trouble with maths or anything really, the main problems seem to be neatness in his work and the battle of wills that he has with his teacher when he wants to do things his way!!

It's a far cry from this time a couple of years ago before he was medicated. When we had the parent / teacher chat when he was in year 1 (he's in year 3 now) I came out of there pretty much in tears because his teacher that year didn't have one single academic nice word to say about him!! She told me that she couldn't even get started with the academic side of things until his behaviour was under control!

I did understand what she meant though, I do have to be honest there! At that time, I was pushing for the diagnosis process for Nathan and constantly on the phone to try to get him to the top of the waiting list for appointments. This is a child who, in the middle of a school assembly would start doing forward rolls or stand up and start spinning around. He was bouncing off of the walls and family outings were just complete nightmares because you just couldn't keep track of him from one second to the next! He never stood still and he had the concentration span of a .... "ooooooh look at that shiny thing"

Yeah exactly!!

When Nathan was first diagnosed I was so firmly against medication. I felt it was WRONG to medicate a child for behavioural problems and thus the battle began. Although I did "give in" and take him back to the doctor to say, ask for eventually beg that he be medicated because I had officially given up .... I don't regret trying the behavioural methods first! Besides, we (home and school) still use behavioural methods with him anyway. It was then a rocky road even finding the right drug for him, then when we found the right drug, the dosage had to be altered ... then he went through a real growth spurt and the medication had to be increased because his body capacity had increased!! I just hope that one day he can reduce down and come off the medication.

I seem to have got a bit sidetracked from my original reason for this particular post, but hey it obviously needed to come out and I'm never one for deleting anything I ever put in a journal. If my head thinks it - my fingers type it!

I guess what I was trying to say - the point I was trying so badly to make ... is that the drugs have allowed him enough concentration to let the world slow down enough for him to focus on it and start noticing things! It's turned Nathan from a boy I would worry about every where I took ... to a little boy (and his big sister) that I am exceptionally proud of!

Mega Christmas Catch Up!!!!!

Christmas in the Stapleton house this year was a really fantastic one!! DH's sister Leanne and her two boys came to stay with us over the festive period and considering there was 3 adults and 4 children living in the house for 5 days ... it was a really chilled out Christmas!!!

The kids all got on so well together, especially Megan and her eldest Ethan. There is literally just a few months between Megan and Ethan and they were thick as thieves by the end of the first day!! Nathan and Dylan as the younger two did have a few "moments" mainly due to not wanting to share the PlayStation and take turns properly, but on the whole they really did get on brilliantly.

Because there was an extra adult on hand, the atmosphere in the house was so much more relaxed too. Leanne and I also had very similar "methods" with dealing with any fall outs between the kids, so it just worked brilliantly!

Cousins L-R ..... Dylan, Megan, Nathan & Ethan

It HAS to be said that I am so proud of both of my kids and the way they behaved over Christmas! Megan's behaviour was so good that I literally had absolutely nothing to bollock her for whatsoever ... and considering Nathan's ADHD/Aspergers and the very different way things were done with extra people in the house, he did so well too. I'm proud of both of them!!