Tick tock goes my biological clock .......

The more I think about it, the crazier it seems.... but for whatever reason, my biological clock is really going crazy at the moment and I find myself thinking about babies a lot! I'm 33 this year and let's face it - I am very unlikely to ever have another baby now.

Maybe it's just fantasising about what I can't have ... because a baby would certainly screw up everything I call life as I know it ... but there is still a really huge part of me that would love to be pregnant again before it's too late for me.

*sigh* this wasn't meant to be melancholy and I am not sure what started me off thinking about this tonight as I'm meant to be working ... but *sigh* there ya go...

Nathan DR update and *shock* I'm a GOOD mother?

What a wonderful update to be able to give the doctor! Nathan has been seeing a specialist at the children's centre in the local hospital since we first started on the road to diagnosis four years ago, and although his appointments were once every 12 weeks, he's now only seen every 6 months for an update because he is stable on his medication and doing well.

He's also grown just over a centimetre to 118cm and has gained half a kilo in the last 6 months ... It doesn't sound like much, but for a child that eats hardly *anything* and is Skinny McSkinny that would almost snap in half ... it's good that he gains weight and height - even little bits!

Other than the odd toilet accident to be negative about (all part of his diagnosis anyway) and the annoying way he doesn't eat "proper" food, everything else I had to tell his specialist was all good stuff! His reading has improved tenfold and I took his current school reading book along for him to read a bit to her - she was impressed! Told her about how he's had several merits for maths, how his teacher commented on the fact that although his handwriting is messy, his SPELLING is actually very good for a child his age. It was just all good stuff to tell her! We talked a little about his eating habits, made sure I was positive (with Nathan in the room listening too!) about how he HAS been trying some new foods recently and discovered extra things he likes.

She said to me how NICE it was to hear a parent being so positive and encouraging about their child!! She said all day that she hears nothing but negativity from parents and that Nathan's improvements are obviously very much down to being in a supportive environment and good parenting.

Made me proud of myself to hear someone "official" tell me I am a good mum! I know I am faaaaaaaar from perfect and I screw up a lot as a parent, but I think we all do because there aint no book out there that can tell you how to do it - you just have to love your kids and want the best for them and that isn't exactly hard to do :-)

My daughter wants a boyfriend????

Well she IS gorgeous isn't she! I mean of course I am biased, but I would defy any guy in the future NOT to fall in love with this adorable face, that gorgeous smile, and those eyes!! Not to mention the fact that her laugh is totally infectious!!!!

But she's nine years old (okay nearly 10) and I am talking like WAAAY in the future when she's 30! LOL

I got a call from my sister in law Leanne this evening who was on MSN and chatting to Megan, and apparently Megan's MSN message next to her name was "I want a boyfriend" ... I got a phone call from Leanne right away!!! Sorry Megan but there ARE spies out there! Leanne wasn't "concerned" but obviously thought I should know!

Anyway, I went in a while later and had a chat with Megan because although I am her mum, I want her to know that I am always there for her no matter what! I try to drum into the pair of them that it doesn't matter WHAT you have done or how much trouble you think you are going to be in ... because if you come to me, or your dad, or your nan, or any other adult you trust and say to them "I have a problem - I've done something wrong and I need help" then you will never be in half as much trouble as you would be in for lying.

I had a quick chat with her about her MSN message but kept the chat very cool and aloof and didn't probe her too much. Megan is a sensible girl - I know that and I do give that girl the credit she deserves because she is a credit to me! I am so proud of the young woman (!) she is becoming.

I think part of the reason why that whole thing struck me so much is because I am now old enough to have a daughter who is thinking about boyfriends! OMG! Crikey she'd kill me if she knew I was posting this, but her whole body shape is changing and she is definitely starting to come close to puberty.

It's such a strange position to find myself in though! I am only 32, so I don't consider myself old by ANY standard, but yet I am old enough to have a daughter who is starting to think about this stuff!! God I hope we stay close I really do! I didn't talk to my mum much as I grew up. I got into trouble and dealt with it all myself through my teenage years and knowing the great relationship I have with my mum now - I couldn't imagine NOT telling her anything now!!

It's hard because you HAVE to give them a certain degree of freedom whilst still retaining that element of control. You have to trust your child and know that you have brought them up to the best of your ability and installed moral values into them... yet at the same time you worry for them so much!!

After having two miscarriages before I fell pregnant with Megan ... I thought at first that the worry would end when the baby was born ... then I realised that once you get through the birth with a healthy baby, you have to worry about cot death in the first few months - then once they start crawling and walking you worry they will crash into something ... you think it will end eventually but it doesn't! The worry doesn't EVER stop!

I know that she has to make her OWN mistakes and learn her own lessons in life, but god it's hard to watch!!! I want to be a supportive and encouraging Mum - someone that is always there for her cheering from the sidelines no matter what, but one who also knows when to back off!!

God help me when Nathan starts going through this! I wonder which one I will end up feeling more protective over ... LOL oh the joys of parenthood!

I should NOT still be cleaning up sh*t with no babies in the house!!!!

Major, huge .. no fucking ENORMOUS vent about to happen here ... avert your eyes if you are offended by the word POOH.

Nathan has ADHD and Aspergers. Although I've mentioned it here before, I've not really blogged a huge amount about his diagnosis and what it means to "us" as a family group.

ADHD stands for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder - it basically means that he is like a constant live wire with energy free flowing 24 hours a day. He cannot sit still without fidgeting or bouncing and nothing (except the computer, Nintendo DS or playstation) will hold his interest for more than a few minutes. He can run off without warning in a busy street or supermarket, talks incessantly … and basically is constantly exhausting. It’s easier to say he has basically no concept of self preservation!

The signs were there when he was about 2 years old that there was something not quite right about him. I’d already had Megan and although she was a girl and girls are different … there was just something I knew as a parent wasn’t quite right. I had real trouble toilet training him at 18 months … decided to wait till he was 2½ … then decided to wait till he was nearly 3 … and when he started pre-school at 3 and still wasn’t properly toilet trained we were pretty much told to either put him back in nappies or remove him because they didn’t have the staff to deal with it! He was also then held back for a term from starting school because he STILL wasn’t fully toilet trained and still having a lot of accidents. The GP was useless and said he’d “grow out of it” and that it was a typical toddler! I was told that they wouldn’t do anything about the toileting until he was 4 and I literally had him down there the day after his 4th birthday!

It took a LOT of pushing on my part to get an appointment through the child services department to get him seen by someone … ANYONE that would take me seriously and at that point it was a 9-12 month waiting list! It was literally by phoning at LEAST once a week to see if there was a cancellation and making myself known to the receptionist that we FINALLY got an appointment after about 3 months wait.

Ugh there were so many forms to fill in. We had to answer these pages and pages of questions about Nathan’s behaviour, and similar forms were sent to the school. To get a diagnosis for ADHD both the school and parents / caregivers have to respond similarly to the questionnaires (they are tailored differently for each of us)

We met with so many different doctors and people … and then the diagnosis was made, it was like the world made sense! When the doctor first mentioned autism I was really scared because my only “experience” of autism was watching the movie Rain Man and that is SO FAR from Nathan!

Aspergers (AS) is different though. Autism is a huge umbrella that Aspergers is only a small part of! Aspergers is generally classified as a delay in language and cognitive development, motor ‘clumsiness’ and “atypical” use of language. That’s the technical description anyway. AS is different though … people with autism don’t generally like people invading their personal space, but Nathan LOVES being cuddled, held and we always have our “snuggles” before he goes to bed at night. He is very affectionate and loves nothing more than personal contact.

Here’s the Wikipedia description of Aspergers ….
“Unlike those with autism, people with AS are not usually withdrawn around others; they approach others, even if awkwardly, for example by engaging in a one-sided, long-winded speech about a favorite topic while being oblivious to the listener's feelings or reactions, such as signs of boredom or haste to leave.”

See, I read that and thought OMG that is SOOOOO Nathan!!! When he plays his fave Pokemon game on his Nintendo DS, he’ll literally narrate everything he’s doing and tell you all about which Pokemon is which, what their skill levels are, who they can beat and everything that is going on in his game at the time! You sit here and say “oh really, uhuh ….. yeah they can do that? Cool!” whilst really not listening to a word that he is saying! He'll contine talking well past the fourth or fifth time you have told him NATHAN SHUT THE FUCK UP! OMG how awful do I feel saying that? Especially knowing that he could read this at any time in the future!

Nathan, if you are reading this … sweetie I KNOW it isn’t your fault. I love you SO much, and I will ALWAYS love you no matter how much sh*t you smear all over my walls, but PLEASE you really have to understand that it pisses me off to STILL be cleaning up your sh*t at nearly 8 years old!

Even NOW he is 7 years old (8 in May) and although the accidents are fewer and far between, he still shits himself.

This evening I found my stairway walls and carpet smeared literally in Nathan’s cr*p. I smelled it before I saw it and the maddening thing is … when I called for him to get his butt there right now … and I said to him “I’ve just found something on the stairs Nathan … what could I have found?” He looked at me, then looked at the floor and very quietly (and I KNEW he was ashamed and embarrassed!) he said “pooh.”

Yeah umm you could say that. Smeared all over the walls AND the carpet up the stairs.

He got yelled at, told no computer tomorrow and was sent to bed early.

At the time of writing this (10.40pm) he is asleep in the hallway in a pile under his duvet. I made an executive decision to just leave him there and I’ll put him to bed after I take him to the toilet in half an hour or so.

*sigh*

I REALLY don’t know how to handle this sometimes. It’s NOT his fault and I KNOW that. Christ, life since prescription medication for Nathan has been bloody fantastic compared to what he is like without the drugs, but I hate that he could turn around to me in the future and be angry with me for medicating him. He’s 7½ years old and is on 30mg equasym XL a day which is a fair dose considering his age / build.

Still, what are you supposed to do when your son smears excrement all over the walls and carpet? He still has to be punished no matter what….

So why do I feel so guilty?