it was "Yell at Dee Day" today ... and the resulting melancholy!!

I got yelled at twice today by two different people - both pretty important people in my life ... and both within a couple of hours of each other!! I am not going to elaborate or go into detail of the who/what/why/when/why and how because both people did apologise for the yelling part (even though I admit there was a reason behind the yelling - i.e. Dee has fucked up again) and it's all dealt with and okay now ... but it really did get me thinking.

I am wondering whether I've been too "up in the clouds" about everything lately. I do have a tendancy to kind of go off on a tangent with things and I KNOW get a little over enthusiastic ... but if I don't put myself out there and actively make changes then nothing is going to happen. I cannot just sit here and wait for things to happen for me because life just doesn't work that way.

It just feels like no matter what I do I am in the wrong at the moment. I seem to go from feeling up to feeling totally crap and that I am the worst person in the world!

Translated - I am a bad mother.

I'm worried about my relationship with my children. Part of me doesn't want to say anything here because I know Megan sometimes reads my blog and a lot of my friends & family read what I write here ... but if being honest on my blog means that the people close to me can get inside my head more ... then that's what this is all about!!

I am working a LOT at the moment. Every spare minute I have is spent working ... I'm either on my laptop working on the website, designing promotions, doing accounts & paperwork ... or I am out of the house at the workshop.

I worry that I don't have enough quality time with them - that I am too focussed on myself & the business right now and that they will end up resenting me for it. They are at such a critical age at the moment - both of them and I want nothing more than for them to both look back on their childhood and say to people that they had a brilliant childhood!!

In short, I worry I am not doing a good enough job as a mother.

Nathan is a funny one ... because of his "problems" ... I honestly think that as long as he is fed, watered and has access to a computer and his nightly "snuggles" with me on the sofa then he'll be just fine. If I want to actually TALK to him, I need to sit with him on the stairs where there are no distractions and then I'll get all of 5 minutes before he loses interest! He is very hard to actually get inside of because of his ADHD/Aspergers ... but at the same time he is very very loving and we have a wonderful relationship. I can say without question that Nathan hugs are THE best in the world!

It's Megan I worry about. She is nearly ten and those double figures are a scary birthday number for a mother - well, for me anyway! She is so grown up and at the age now where she is really developing as a young lady as well as an individual with her own distinct tastes, likes & dislikes. I'm worried that I work too much and don't spend enough quality time with her. I want her to look back on her childhood and truly know that her Mum was there for her no matter what. I worry that I don't get to spend enough time with her and that there is just "too much to do" with the accounts, working on the website etc when I am at home ... that's when I'm not trying to clean up and stay on top of the housework! The rest of the time she's at school or I'm at work!

I just want my kids to know that the whole reason why I am doing this is for them. I need them to know that I work hard to try to give them a better future and to make up for the mistakes I made in the past. I still make mistakes every single day, but I realised not too long ago that I'm not superwoman and that it is okay not to be able to do everything. Gawd knows I still have a hell of a lot to put them through yet, but I'll take it one day at a time.

Even though I am very much aware of mistakes I've made in the past and I work so hard to try to fix them, I still screw up! I'm not perfect. Far from it. Today for example ... being yelled at twice by two different people for two different reasons. It really brought me down.

Anyway ... I think I need a bath and an early night. It's Monday tomorrow - a new day and a new week.

Why do I always worry more when things are going well?! It’s such a me thing to do. I worry when there is nothing to worry about because I’m sure there should be something to worry about! Okay, so it’s not like I have nothing to worry about – there’s certainly plenty of that, but I think that really facing my demons has really helped and because I’ve made SUCH a good start on sorting my sh*t out, it has reflected back in other parts of my life too.

I have realised that it’s pointless waiting for the good things to happen to you. You gotta get out there and go find them, or at least be in a place emotionally where you can see new doors and opportunities open to you. That’s how I have been feeling over the last few days since the crappy weekend!!

I went into work feeling refreshed & motivated (gotta love pills for a decent night’s sleep!) and got on a major cleaning mission! I need to find every single piece of paperwork that I have got, and in order to do that ... I need to go through every single corner of the workshop, so I started in one corner and I’ve been working my way round, so the workshop is looking great! I also completed several orders ready to pack tomorrow and the new order tracking & dispatch system that I’ve implemented is already working! I had a couple of customers call to ask the status of their order … I was able to easily find their order details and give them the tracking number, so it’s all good!!

I’ve spent a lot of time today thinking about the future, and it’s amazing the difference that a positive spin can put on things. I am determined to give it one more shot … if I go down then I’ll go down fighting all the way!!

A very bad dream last night ....

I don't even know what time it was when I woke up in the middle of the night - sweating, panicked and scared beyond anything.... all I could do was just burst into tears because I was awake, alive and okay.

It's faded slightly now so a few things won't make sense ... but basically I'd been diagnosed with some kind of terminal illness and I was being sent off somewhere to die. This place I was sent to had a big huge furnace with a massive opening at the front. There were big huge pallets on rollers that people were made to lay down on and then they disappeared into the furnace ... to their death.

It was so vivid and definitely in colour. I remember looking at the people standing next to me while we waited in line for our "turn" to get onto the pallets and they all looked so normal and accepting of what was happening to them. I do remember there was some element of choice to it ... we didn't have to get on the pallet ... it was just the done thing.

It's getting hard to remember now, but basically I started to panic because I wasn't ready to die. I remember feeling really scared and alone and not knowing what to do ... I ran! I ran and ran and ran until the point that I woke up, sat bolt upright and burst into tears before going downstairs and hugging my kids!!

I looked up the meaning in my dream dictionary ... there were three main parts to the dream ... my death, the fire/furnace and running.

To dream of your own death, indicates a transitional phase in your life. You are becoming more enlightened or spiritual. Alternatively, you are trying desperately to escape the demands of your daily life.

To see fire in your dream can symbolise destruction, passion, desire, illumination, transformation, enlightenment, or anger. It may suggest that something old is passing and something new is entering your life. Your thoughts and views are changing. If you are being burned by fire it can indicate your temper getting out of control. An issue or situation is burning you up inside.

if you are running from danger, then it suggests that you are not facing and confronting your fears.

Sounds pretty spot on. I told a friend about my dream this morning and the response was "So nothing to do with feeling trapped or anything like that ..." Damnit I hate it when people know me better than I know me!

Fingers crossed for a better night tonight!!

I hate Mondays - banish them FOREVER! (Major vent)

Everybody hates them so they just shouldn't exist! I know very few people who actually look forward to Monday mornings! I mean I'm sure there are the few who break the rule ... like people who don't ever have to work on Monday mornings and who get to sleep in and ignore the rest of the world until at least Tuesday.

Today has officially been the crappiest Monday that I've had in a long time.

Does anyone even care why? Pffffftttt doesn't even matter because I am going to whine about it anyway (talking about wine ... now where's my glass...)

I am depressed about money. I sometimes feel that I am sinking faster than I can swim and that scares the crap outta me. The business is short of "cash flow" and although orders are coming in ... so are the bills! The household is short of money because I am not taking any drawings from the business at the moment either.

It's not completely dire - well, not yet anyway.. but something has to change soon and I mean SOON or I'm gonna sink, I can feel it. I've even been thinking about trying an evening job again to make some extra cash..... but my skills are worth so much more than just minimum wage!

So yeah... as well as the melancholy, stressed, worried and generally pissed off attitude that I had already developed by late this afternoon, you gotta add in the fact that I am completely out of wax and my delivery now doesn't arrive until tomorrow. All I can say is that it had better show up tomorrow or heads are gonna roll! What good is a candlemaker who has no wax?

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! LOL this photo is from a few months back (pre-fringe!) when I was stressed and turned the camera on myself ... but it just sums up how I have been feeling today!!! The title of the photo is "I am WOMAN, hear me ROAR!"

Thank f**k I am a smoker who has had a glass or four of wine and some chilled out music playing in the background! I may just make it to Tuesday after all ....