Is happiness overrated?

I have been discussing my "dilemma" that I can't post about here with a close friend. She said (and I quote directly!) "Its just mustering up the courage to admit to yourself what you really want with your life."

Damnit I hate it when my friends force me to THINK! Thinking is infinitely dangerous .... but the it is nearly 2am in the morning and I can't sleep ... so thinking may therefore be a GOOD thing.

... ack at any rate I'm thinking ... therefore I am blogging!!!

So ... it's just a case of admitting to yourself what you really want with your life? It's something you think you already know the answer to (especially as a 30 something mother of two!) BUT, the scary thing is, until you actually have to sit down and answer that question you don't necessarily know.

So .... what DO I want from my life?

• I want my children to be happy and for them to have the absolutely best life I can possibly give them, even when it means personal sacrifice.
• I want to wake up in the mornings with a smile on my face, knowing it's a brand new day with brand new opportunities just there for the taking.
• I want the freedom to get paid for something I love doing, while having flexible working hours to fit around my children.
• To live "comfortably." ie have the bills paid, food in the cupboards, clothes on my back and enough pennies leftover in my bank account to be able to buy a gorgeous pair of shoes when the odd occasional urge strikes me without fear of great debt or having to hide them and lie about the cost (not that I have EVER done that!)
• To live near the ocean ALWAYS. I need to be somewhere not far from the water but also somewhere that has countryside and nature so I can escape to solitude when I want to ... but it also has to be close enough "real life", meeting new people and decent shopping!! Basically I need a waterfront, countryside house in the middle of a thriving metropolis! That's not too much to ask, right?
• I want to live in a house where the kitchen is the heart and hub of the home. I want my kids to be there at the table doing their homework as I am cooking dinner, chatting to them and spending time with them.
• I desperately want to have time to stop and smell the flowers every now and again. Maybe photograph a few of them too!
• To spend more time scrapbooking, making cards and just being creative.
• Friends that I can 100% rely on to be there for me as I would be there for them.
• I want to be at least HALF the mother to my kids that my mother was to me. This could be a whole separate post on it's own ... LOL I mean that I want to be there for them - a friend as well as a parent and to have a mutually respectful relationship with them both.
• I want to be happy. Content isn't enough. I need to be happy.
• Another baby. I can't help it. It's on my want list.

What I DON'T want .....

• I don't want my children to suffer in any way, shape or form based on a bad decision that I make.
• I hate having to rely on prescription anti-depressants to reduce my anxiety attacks and the permanent feeling of "impending doom" that I currently live with on a daily basis.
• I don't want to be stressed anymore. These days I get stressed to the point that I can potentially have several panic attacks a day and it's affecting so many other areas of my life as well.
• I don't want to be constantly *and I do mean constantly* worried about money and debts. Everybody is entitled to the odd money worry (apart from the rich bastards!) but I know I probably worry TOO much and if I were just to bite the bullet ...
• I never want to lose touch with good friends. It occurred to me writing this that there is a really good friend - C who I have known for YEARS whose birthday it is tomorrow ... and who I haven't seen or spoken to in almost a year... I feel dreadful about that. She could have just as easily picked up the phone to me - but for whatever reason we've kinda lost touch. I need to re-kindle some old friendships to make sure they don't die.
• To make the wrong decision.
• To compromise for the sake of "an easy life".

There, that wasn't so hard - it's just a mega HUGE list that I could never achieve... that I could also keep adding to and adding to the more I think about it!! I'm going to stop now or I really could be here all night and it's late enough already!

Maybe happiness is over-rated after all.

Monday Mornings .... LOL

The mornings in this house work like a well oiled machine most of the time! In order to have enough time to get everything done, I need to be up and out of bed by 7.15am. I set my alarm for 7am but I snooze it for 15 mins so I feel the benefit of a lie in! LOL Mad but it works!!

So anyway this morning after the kids had finished breakfast and Megan had gone off to get dressed ... I mentally assessed everything left to do

Lunchboxes made ... CHECK!
Me had a shower ... CHECK!
Me looking vaguely respectable to leave the house ... CHECK
Kids brushed teeth ... CHECK
Nathan's uniform in a neat pile ready ... CHECK

All's well. THEN my morning went something like this ...

"Nathan ... Nathan for the fourth time .... get dressed!" (I am pointing to a pile of folded and ready to go school clothes.) Meanwhile Nathan is still spinning around in circles and waving a vacuum cleaner attachment around! (Mental check to self, yes I DID give him his ADHD meds with his breakfast)

"Nathan, I'm not going to ask you anymore. I am going to start TELLING you. Now GET DRESSED!"

"Alright Mummy, no need to shout" says the little voice as he starts putting on his uniform (still spinning around but I disregard that because he is actually getting dressed!)

GRRRR RAAAAHHHH Monday mornings are UGH enough without hassle before we even get to school! LOL Guess what? It didn't stop there! We spent 10 minutes looking for his shoes ... which we eventually found in the shoe cupboard (in my defence his shoes are NEVER in the proper place which is why it was the last place I looked!)

We are just on our way off out of the door when I go to grab his book bag and find that the cat has pi$$ed all over it! DOUBLE GRRRR Luckily it's waterproof, so I bung the contents into a carrier bag, scrawl his name on it and hustle them out of the door!!

We got to school about 30 seconds after the bell had gone ... PHEW!!

Thankfully Monday mornings are now my morning off ... after working all weekend it's nice to just relax for an extra hour alone in the house before I head into the workshop!! What a morning and it's only 9.15am!

Friday Five - 25th January 2008

It's been a while since I answered the friday five! If anyone is interested they come from http://www.friday5.org This week it's all about lateness!

What was the last important thing you were late for? I am actually VERY rarely late. Lateness is a big pet peeve of mine and it irritates me when other people are late ... hence I always try to be early!

What was the last important thing you were late with? Ah, see this is a different question. I am sometimes late with customer orders and have to admit that! I work as quickly as I can, but am only one person and can only do so much! LOL

What (or who!) is the most frequent cause of your lateness? There just isn't enough hours in the day ... seriously! I often settle down in the evening for bed and know that I haven't ticked everything off of my to do list for that day! I swear somebody sneaks up behind me and steals hours out of my day!

Which of your close friends or relatives can you expect almost always to be inconveniently late? My mother! I love her dearly I really do but she is KNOWN for being late! It's to a point that if I need her somewhere at 2.30pm I'd tell her to be there by 2.15 because she'd have a hope of being there by then!!

What’s most likely to cause you to stay up too late before bed? Simply not having got everything done! I'm always working on something whether it's website, catalogue, promotions .... there's always something on the go, and when I take a break from that I've got the new forums that are taking up a fair bit of my time, plus I spend waaay too much time on Facebook and eBay! I'm either in bed ridiculously early like 9pm because I'm shattered from the day ... or I'm up till stupid o'clock in the morning!!