Procrastinating less ......

I didn’t get a chance to journal an entry yesterday as I was in quite a productive mood and I just got on with things for work!! Hub was working from home so he was able to watch the kids (half term) which meant I got a ton of candles poured and had time to tidy up the packing area!! In an attempt to procrastinate less and thereby reduce my stress, I made a BIG list of everything I need to do and I have actually worked my way through most of it!

I definitely find that making lists really works for me. I have a small notebook that I keep in my bag so I don’t have to worry about forgetting anything, and this major to do list actually spanned three pages! It was a little daunting looking at it to begin with, but once I started working through it and crossing things off, it became really satisfying!!!

Still on my to do list … stupidly I hadn’t even STARTED my Christmas catalogue for candle parties and I have my next one booked in just over a week! Needless to say that was my main mission last night and if I keep at it for the rest of the day and work on it after dinner, I SHOULD have it finished to print off by tomorrow. I still need to do a mass stock take at work and order in extra Christmas fragrance oils, plus re-vamp the website main page, decide what special offers to run in November and send out an e-newsletter! Oh and I need to do more trips to the dump to clear out the rubbish from the workshop!

So yes, I still have a lot to do but I am working on it instead of procrastinating about it – this is a good thing … and I am trying not to stress over it!!

Oh on the downside I was sick this morning. I'm not sure what that means but I'm sticking with the dairy free for the next couple of weeks and we'll see what happens.

If things don't change, they stay the same.

For the fourth day in a row I’ve not been sick so this is a very good thing! I had to take the children into work with me as they are on half term but it was absolutely useless and I was getting nothing done – it was making me more stressed than giving up and just going back later tonight after hub gets home from work.

I also went back to the doctor today. I told her everything that happened with my meltdown as well as some of the stressors in my home life and at work and she really listened. It made a lot of sense with the being sick starting around March time and my stress has been a lot worse since then and the dairy intolerance/sickness/lethargy being brought on by stress.

I also talked to her about the things I am going to try to do to consciously reduce some of the stressors in my life with the eating better, making sure I take more time for myself and delegating more. She said it’s all good stuff.

She also thinks I am not depressed, but that it is more anxiety, low self-esteem and being way too hard on myself when I don’t achieve perfection. Has this doctor got a secret hidden camera somewhere? Talk about bang the nail right on the head! She asked me how I would treat it if I could pick my own treatment and I said probably going back on my happy pills but that I thought I could also benefit from some counseling.

She looked at the prescription for anti-depressants that I was given before and said that they are the best thing for me right now as they are more for anxiety than full blown depression, but she has increased the dose. She also said I don’t have to take them if I don’t want to but she recommends that I do (I will) as they should just help to take the edge off the anxiety and panic.

She has also referred me to their own “in-house” counsellor who specialises in Cognitive Behaviour Therapy … which is trying to change your thoughts and perceptions in order to change your feelings and behaviour. I’m all for it. She’s given me a list of websites to look at and when I mentioned NLP that I’d been looking into (I’ll save the detail of that for another post!) she said that was the perfect sort of thing. There's quite a wait for the counselling but it's completely free.

So I have the entire afternoon now until hub gets home from work when I'll go in and catch up on what I didn't get done this morning. I’m going to clean the house then maybe take the kids to the park and read my book!!

Ways I am trying to reduce my stress

I’ve had a fairly relaxed day today. I was in bed early last night and slept in this morning, plus I haven’t been sick for 3 days. It’s good in a way because obviously I’m not being sick, but it’s bad because it is currently looking like it IS the food intolerance. Only time will tell!!

I’ve done a lot of research into stress causes, symptoms, effects etc and I am starting to make plans to try to reduce my stress levels to avoid anything like that ever happening again. Certain things can’t be avoided but I can try to learn coping mechanisms to deal with them better.

Here is my current plan!

# Eat better.
I’ve never really been one for breakfast but I have some non-dairy yoghurts in the fridge and there is plenty of fruit in the bowl so I am going to try to make sure I eat something in the mornings even if it is just a yoghurt & banana, and take at least *something* to work with me to keep me going during the day. This should help increase my energy levels so I am not flagging by mid afternoon and less prone to get snippy and irritated from tiredness! It'll only be good for my general health and well being anyway!!

# Delegate more at home.
My stress levels are lower when the house is clean and tidy and I can’t sit and relax in a house that is a pigsty. I know this and the entire household knows this, which is why I work so hard to try to keep the place reasonably tidy. I’m quite happy to do the majority of the housework because in a weird twisted way I do enjoy it, as long as the rest of them just pick up after themselves and hub gives me more help. This will give me more time during my day to do things other than cleaning and stressing about the state of the place!

# Get some help at work.
The business can’t quite afford it yet, but in the run up to Christmas there is no way I can do it all by myself without suffering from complete burnout. I think I need to get someone in at least 8 hours a week to help with the work load that will just increase more and more as we get closer to Christmas.

# Relax more.
I’m not really sure quite how I plan on doing this, but I do want to try to pamper myself a bit more. Maybe once a month I should treat myself to a neck & shoulder massage, as that won’t cost the earth, or get a facial or a pedicure … or something! I’m a classic “type A” personality at the moment and that isn’t healthy. I need to relax more. I’m going to buy some essential oils and use aromatherapy in my bedroom in the evenings and try to get “me-time” for privacy and quiet every day, even if it is only half an hour with my book upstairs before bed or a bath at night. Maybe also take one day a week where I finish work early and visit a friend for a couple of hours.

# Procrastinate less.
If I need to do it tomorrow, I should do it today. If it needs doing today I should do it right now. I make lists of things to do every day and will be starting to prioritise more.

# Compromise more.
The world wont fall apart if the house isn’t spotless and some things simply aren’t worth doing “perfectly” – that was very hard to say!! We live in an imperfect world and some things I simply need to compromise on and try not to get so wound up about.

# Hobbies.
I need to spend more time doing things that give me pleasure (no dirty sniggers please!!) I haven't had the ooomph to make any cards or scrapbook for ages and my photography has gone by the wayside. I need to do more of these things. My mum bought me a new christmas rubber stamp today in an effort to get me off my ass and start making Christmas cards :-) She knows me so well!

# Go back to the doctor.
I think it's a given that I need to talk to somebody about what happened on Saturday and I'll probably be given a lecture for stopping taking the anti-depressants that I was prescribed before. In my defence I took them for several weeks and there was no real noticeable difference and I just kinda forgot to take them anymore. I'll probably be prescribed more ADs but that's something I am happy to accept. If taking some tablets can help to sort out the chemical imbalance shit in my head while I work on the other stuff, then I'm all for that.

I’m sure there is more, but that’s certainly a start.

No CHOCOLATE and no CHEESE?

I am officially a “Dairy Free Zone!” I had an appointment with the doctor today and she seems to agree with me that my throwing up could possibly be a food intolerance (dairy/lactose) as all of the other tests have been normal so far.

I also had nachos last night - lots and lots of cheese and I even remember thinking "let's see if I'm sick in the morning!" As soon as my eyes were open today I was retching. Not good. It WOULD explain why I don't feel sick every day too - some days I am totally fine, other days I am a little nauseous, sometimes I'm sick and then sometimes it's pretty violent full on up chuck. Sorry for the description!!!!

Soooo, for 2 weeks I need to avoid all dairy products completely to see if it makes a difference. IF I don’t feel sick over the next couple of weeks then I can gradually re-introduce dairy products and see what my reaction is to it the next day. This way I can work out my tolerance levels. If it IS dairy intolerance then I will probably still be okay with the odd bit of dairy as long as I try to avoid anything heavily cheesy or have to bear in mind that the following day I’ll be feeling sick. So for the next 2 weeks this girl is a vegan!

... who loves CHOCOLATE and can't eat any for two weeks!!

Meanwhile I am also being referred to a gastric specialist just to check out that my inside bits are all working as they should, so with that and the no more dairy we’ll see! Admittedly I finished off my Green & Blacks organic chocolate as soon as I got home from the doctor because there was no way THAT was being wasted, but that marked the start of the official “Dairy Free Zone.”

I’ve been a vegetarian since I was 12 years old – that’s twenty years but I had NEVER planned on being vegan!

If I am still being sick with the dairy free diet and the gastric stuff is normal, then the only explanation is that it is a very real physical manifestation of stress. I’m going to make a real concentrated effort to try to eliminate as many of my stressors as I can, and find ways to live with those that are unavoidable. Stress reduction - even just by a little can only be a good thing!! I’ll post about it here as I go as it will be an interesting journey.

No more ....

Chocolate
Cheese
Chocolate
Butter/spreads
Milk/Cream
Chocolate
Yoghurt
Chocolate
Chocolate
Ice cream
Chocolate Ice Cream

Did I also mention that I can't have any chocolate for TWO WEEKS?

What if the Wispa project collapses and Cadburys stop making them because I'm not buying up my fair share of the 23 million bars that are out there over the next 2 weeks? You guys had better go buy them on my behalf!

I did have a glass of wine and a smoke in a candlelit bubble bath tonight with the spa jets going ... relaxation attempt #1!!

Poorly ill & sick ... and a lil bit melancholic :-(

I didn't sleep well over the weekend so I think that was probably the start of it. I had one of those weird stress lumps in my throat and I've been so TIRED but just not able to sleep :-( I don't think I've put much about being sick in my blog so far, but around March time I started being sick in the mornings. It is definitely not morning sickness as it would have to be the immaculate conception *grin*

Anyway I started to notice that it was happening not every day, but most days. To be honest in the beginning I just got used to it as it seemed to be brought on by strong smells first thing in the morning like toast for the kids breakfast, or someone having a shower with the scent of the shampoo, or even coffee ... my beloved morning coffee had to stop because I couldn't smell it without throwing up let alone drink it.

Anyway after I realised it had been going on for 6 months and even the immaculate conception morning sickness wouldn't last for that long without at least showing a lil bump in front! My friends actually started saying to me "errr it's not really right to be throwing up like that!" So off to the doctor I went. I had blood tests, urine tests etc which all came back normal. I don't have diabetes, my liver and kidney functions are fine and there was no apparent obvious reason for it.

When I went back to get the results I had to see a different doctor who put me on these reflux tablets - ie anti acid and I've had to take those for the past month to rule that out. I've got to make an appointment to go back soon and hopefully find out the next stage. She'd mentioned sending me to a gastric specialist so fingers crossed we can kick that off.

This morning I won't go into detail, but lets just say it's been getting worse for a while now. It's definitely not healthy and it's not good for my kids to see me like that. I get up off the bathroom floor with tears in my eyes from vomiting and I have no strength or energy.

I think it's stress related. It's always worse when I am feeling stressed or down in general.

I gave up on work this morning, I had to - felt too awful. I sent out the essential orders then came home and I have been sat on the sofa at home surfing eBay on my laptop ever since! The house is a complete pigsty and for once I don't really care! I just feel like sitting here and not moving a muscle until I have to crawl up to the school later to pick the kids up!!

Small boy wise beyond his years

We all have days like it don't we ... don't we? The ones we REALLY don't like to admit to where it is all fubar right from the moment you open your eyes. Yesterday morning was like that. I was stressed because I had an afternoon candle party to get ready for and that threw me because I usually do parties at night, so I was already feeling tense when I woke up.

I hadn't slept well either - so by the time I stumbled downstairs all bleary eyed I just exploded into a fire breathing dragon (FBD). Now I should explain that there are two extremes to my style of parenting. On one extreme you have Mary Poppins where it doesn't matter that you broke my expensive vase darling because I know it was an accident and you didn't do it on purpose. On the other extreme is the FBD that will give time outs and instant discipline (namely removing Nintendo DS and banning all electronic gaming for the day!) BECAUSE I had already told you eleventy hundred times NOT to play with your damned ball in the house!! Most of the time I exist in a fairly happy world living nicely in the middle of my two extremes!

So anyway, yesterday started as an FBD day. I asked Nathan what he would like for breakfast and he replied chocolate toast. Off I go on my merry way (not quite in full FBD mode yet) to pop the toast in the toaster and to get him his ADHD meds. NOW I also need to explain that my being sick in the mornings for the last few months is brought on partly by smell and toast is one of the worst culprits, so I don't do toast unless I REALLY have to!!

I ask my dear son to come and butter his own toast to make it easier on my rapidly increasingly queasy stomach and then he announces that he doesn't in fact want toast, tells me he never ASKED for toast and that he actually wants coco pop rocks cereal with NO milk. All of this is while he is bouncing up and down on the sofa, upside down with his feet on the wall and he is totally losing it because it takes about half an hour for his ADHD meds to kick in!

I just completely lost it. For no real reason either - I just let rip in full FBD mode yelling at him about wasting food and then instantly felt awful. I said sorry straight away, sorted out his breakfast (coco pop rocks with no milk) and then managed to calm the FBD down by having a coffee in the conservatory with some peace and quiet ... gradually returning to normal mummy mode.

When I went back into the lounge, I went straight over to Nathan to give him a big hug and the conversation went something like this ...

ME: Nathan, I am really sorry that I shouted at you but I was angry because you had asked for toast and then you wasted it.
NATHAN: Mummy, we've already talked about it and you've said sorry. I've forgiven you and we don't need to talk about it all day.

Talk about a HIGHLY astute little boy there! Gawd there's more than a thing or two I could learn from my 7 year old son!!