it was "Yell at Dee Day" today ... and the resulting melancholy!!

I got yelled at twice today by two different people - both pretty important people in my life ... and both within a couple of hours of each other!! I am not going to elaborate or go into detail of the who/what/why/when/why and how because both people did apologise for the yelling part (even though I admit there was a reason behind the yelling - i.e. Dee has fucked up again) and it's all dealt with and okay now ... but it really did get me thinking.

I am wondering whether I've been too "up in the clouds" about everything lately. I do have a tendancy to kind of go off on a tangent with things and I KNOW get a little over enthusiastic ... but if I don't put myself out there and actively make changes then nothing is going to happen. I cannot just sit here and wait for things to happen for me because life just doesn't work that way.

It just feels like no matter what I do I am in the wrong at the moment. I seem to go from feeling up to feeling totally crap and that I am the worst person in the world!

Translated - I am a bad mother.

I'm worried about my relationship with my children. Part of me doesn't want to say anything here because I know Megan sometimes reads my blog and a lot of my friends & family read what I write here ... but if being honest on my blog means that the people close to me can get inside my head more ... then that's what this is all about!!

I am working a LOT at the moment. Every spare minute I have is spent working ... I'm either on my laptop working on the website, designing promotions, doing accounts & paperwork ... or I am out of the house at the workshop.

I worry that I don't have enough quality time with them - that I am too focussed on myself & the business right now and that they will end up resenting me for it. They are at such a critical age at the moment - both of them and I want nothing more than for them to both look back on their childhood and say to people that they had a brilliant childhood!!

In short, I worry I am not doing a good enough job as a mother.

Nathan is a funny one ... because of his "problems" ... I honestly think that as long as he is fed, watered and has access to a computer and his nightly "snuggles" with me on the sofa then he'll be just fine. If I want to actually TALK to him, I need to sit with him on the stairs where there are no distractions and then I'll get all of 5 minutes before he loses interest! He is very hard to actually get inside of because of his ADHD/Aspergers ... but at the same time he is very very loving and we have a wonderful relationship. I can say without question that Nathan hugs are THE best in the world!

It's Megan I worry about. She is nearly ten and those double figures are a scary birthday number for a mother - well, for me anyway! She is so grown up and at the age now where she is really developing as a young lady as well as an individual with her own distinct tastes, likes & dislikes. I'm worried that I work too much and don't spend enough quality time with her. I want her to look back on her childhood and truly know that her Mum was there for her no matter what. I worry that I don't get to spend enough time with her and that there is just "too much to do" with the accounts, working on the website etc when I am at home ... that's when I'm not trying to clean up and stay on top of the housework! The rest of the time she's at school or I'm at work!

I just want my kids to know that the whole reason why I am doing this is for them. I need them to know that I work hard to try to give them a better future and to make up for the mistakes I made in the past. I still make mistakes every single day, but I realised not too long ago that I'm not superwoman and that it is okay not to be able to do everything. Gawd knows I still have a hell of a lot to put them through yet, but I'll take it one day at a time.

Even though I am very much aware of mistakes I've made in the past and I work so hard to try to fix them, I still screw up! I'm not perfect. Far from it. Today for example ... being yelled at twice by two different people for two different reasons. It really brought me down.

Anyway ... I think I need a bath and an early night. It's Monday tomorrow - a new day and a new week.

Out of my comfort zone ....

By about 5lbs! ... I'm going to join the gym.

I used to be really worried about my weight. It used to affect me daily and my confidence level was zero... but I worked through that and learned to really like who I was - inside and out. Lately though I've not been happy ... and that's been inside and out too!

I went to the gym regularly before my dad passed away (in 2003) and it was terrific ... I could eat and drink literally whatever I wanted and I was losing inches. I even did a triathlon at the gym and didn't come last!! I guess I eventually fell out of the habit of going after dad died ... and fell into my comfort zone!

My comfort zone has been around the 3lb mark ... so I could go up or down by about 3lb and not worry overly. It's allowed me not to worry and to be able to still actually eat food without resorting to carrot sticks and obsessive tendencies (and we all know how well I can obsess!)

BUT I really don't like being outside of "the zone" and I hadn't even noticed my weight creep outside it! I'd managed to stop obsessing about the scales and stop religiously weighing myself every morning... well, until today! My clothes still fit, so it's not as if I've suddenly become a blimp, but I *have* noticed that my wobbly bits are wobbling more than usual ... and I don't like it! It's only by a few pounds but I want to knock it on the head right now!!

So I'm going to do something about it.

The gym is *literally* over the road so I really have no excuse. It will cost £33 a month for an "off peak" membership which means I can use the gym 7-4 on week days. It also gives you unlimited classes so it is well worth the money. When I was a member before, I used to go in the evenings, but life is more hectic these days and I know damned well that by the time I've got the kids home from school, tidied the house, checked any homework and organised dinner ... that I don't want to be going anywhere!

Sooo I figured I usually leave the workshop around 2pm anyway ... so 3 days a week if I leave at 1.45pm (and stay till 2.45 the other days), I can get a good hour workout before I pick the kids up from school and then shower as soon as I get home. It would work really well. I'm motivated in the middle of the afternoon so it's a great time ... and it would give me something POSITIVE to do instead of sitting on my backside for an hour before I pick the kids up!

PLUS ... I'm a girl ... when I know I look better on the outside - I feel better on the inside. What more reason is there? LOL Sooo I'm off to work now, then I'll be heading to the gym to sign up this afternoon while their half price joining fee is still valid!!

An odd kind of day ....

I got a call from Mum this morning asking me if I'd go over to the dogs trust with her to look at a dog she'd fallen in love with! Her name is Lucy and she is a collie x spaniel - long haired, black and white and the most adorable face! Four years old with one careful lady owner and it looks like she'll be going to live with my mum soon! We both fell in love - she's a lovely sweet dog!

So why has the day been weird? Ugh ... well I can't explain properly because of certain little ears that I know read my blog. I just feel out of sorts, unhappy and a bit blah ... totally the wrong way to feel when we have such gorgeous weather at the moment!! There are things in my life that I KNOW are not working for me ... but I also know that the reality is fixing them will end up causing more problems than there are if I just let things stay as they are.

Isn't that always the case though? The cure is often worse than the disease.

What's a girl to do. Laugh? Cry? Or just consume enough alcohol to wipe it all out and make sleeping easier.

A non day ........

After being awake until 3am in the morning (and consuming half a bottle of wine between 1.30-3am - don't ask!!) I've had a real fuzzy head for most of the day. I couldn't go into the workshop first thing because if the police had stopped me en-route, I would probably have still been over the limit so I just didn't chance it. Went in for a few hours this afternoon and did the necessary.

Still no new orders .... it's getting worse.

You'll have to excuse me - I'm feeling melancholy today.

I'm an awful person ...

In short .... (because I have been drinking and intend this to be a short blog entry but heck you never know with me!)

My show on Saturday was SHIT. It wasn't even worth getting out of bed for. The only thing that made it worth it was having Megan there to talk to! It really was a pile of crap. The ONLY lining in the cloud was that the table cost was 10& of sales! I showed the organiser my sales totals at the end of the day and I handed over £3.70. Yeah, it was THAT BAD!! Hardly anyone through the door!! I was so pissed off it was untrue!!!

On the upside, Sunday was Mothers Day and I did have a lovely wakeup when two children bounced on me around 7am with gifts!! Megan made me a lovely notebook holder covered in glitter (with a heart notepad) at Brownies, and Nathan made me a card and a photo frame at Beavers last week. It was truly lovely because their dad didn't have to take them out to BUY me something ... it was handmade from the heart :-D

I've had a bit of a sad and melancholy day today that I really can't blog about in public and part of that annoys the CRAP out of me! I know there are quite a few people who do read this blog regularly (yeah I know who all three of you are! LOL), and there are some things that I can't say in public.

All I can really say is that I reached a decision today that broke my heart to do. It's a purely personal thing and nothing to do with work (although I have been thinking about that too!) ... but this decision has been a long time coming. It's been really HARD for me recently as I have felt stuck between a rock and a hard place ... and today, although it cut me to the core and hurt me immensely ... I made the choice.

That's all I can say about it online really!

If you are one of the three people I have mentioned (my closest friends and I love you guys!) then you will know what I am talking about! The rest of you will just have to guess because my lips are sealed!

Meanwhile ... the conscious decision I made yesterday (Sunday eve) not to drink on a Mon, Tues or Weds eve flew straight out of the window tonight when hub brought home a box of wine after he'd walked the dog. I think he could just tell I needed it even though I couldn't honestly tell him why...

I wish I could go into more detail here because I am in the mood to waffle (yeah 4th glass of wine!) but I can't. I will say that the alcohol ended up being a very good idea because I am pretty numb right now.

And thank FUCK for spell check!!

I just feel bad for so many reasons right now. It's been a truly bad day - certainly the worst on record for at least a year!!

Ok, so mebbe that wasn't so short ... so sue me!

Half term H*LL

Well if you hadn't already guessed it's been a helluva week and it's only Tuesday. UGH. Yeah, and this is pretty much how I am feeling!!!

It's not that the kids haven't behaved themselves, but it's just so hard to keep them amused/entertained without relying on the TV or their computers when I still have to go into the workshop, and still have to clean up the house and work on website stuff etc. If I had the money I'd send them off to a half term club where they get stimulation, activities and lots of fun .... *sigh* one day!

On the upside, the Sun newspaper is doing £19.50pp holidays to Europe ... I am so collecting the vouchers! I wanna take the kids on a decent holiday this year!

Still, I'm back to feeling melancholy again. I realised I hadn't taken my happy pill yesterday so I'm wondering if that's why, but they take such a long time to build up in your system that I doubt missing the odd one would make a huge difference ... that's why you have to be weaned off of them.

Ugh I don't know! I just wish I knew where I was heading and where I'm going. I need to know that all of this stress and struggle is actually going to be worth it in the long run, or whether I am just simply wasting my time ...

The good news is .... (you mean there IS some?)

Well it's 11.30pm, I'm more than a little drunk and melancholy so I am looking for silver linings in all of the big black clouds that are my life!!!

• When I went into work yesterday there were no emails or voicemail messages to say that anything hadn't arrived, so I HAVE to assume that Christmas 2007 was a success!!
• Nathan's room was "Dee Cleaned" today and is now prolly the cleanest room in the house!!
• I'm pretty drunk.

Yeah ummm that's about it.

2008 HAS to be a good year ... it HAS to.