it was "Yell at Dee Day" today ... and the resulting melancholy!!

I got yelled at twice today by two different people - both pretty important people in my life ... and both within a couple of hours of each other!! I am not going to elaborate or go into detail of the who/what/why/when/why and how because both people did apologise for the yelling part (even though I admit there was a reason behind the yelling - i.e. Dee has fucked up again) and it's all dealt with and okay now ... but it really did get me thinking.

I am wondering whether I've been too "up in the clouds" about everything lately. I do have a tendancy to kind of go off on a tangent with things and I KNOW get a little over enthusiastic ... but if I don't put myself out there and actively make changes then nothing is going to happen. I cannot just sit here and wait for things to happen for me because life just doesn't work that way.

It just feels like no matter what I do I am in the wrong at the moment. I seem to go from feeling up to feeling totally crap and that I am the worst person in the world!

Translated - I am a bad mother.

I'm worried about my relationship with my children. Part of me doesn't want to say anything here because I know Megan sometimes reads my blog and a lot of my friends & family read what I write here ... but if being honest on my blog means that the people close to me can get inside my head more ... then that's what this is all about!!

I am working a LOT at the moment. Every spare minute I have is spent working ... I'm either on my laptop working on the website, designing promotions, doing accounts & paperwork ... or I am out of the house at the workshop.

I worry that I don't have enough quality time with them - that I am too focussed on myself & the business right now and that they will end up resenting me for it. They are at such a critical age at the moment - both of them and I want nothing more than for them to both look back on their childhood and say to people that they had a brilliant childhood!!

In short, I worry I am not doing a good enough job as a mother.

Nathan is a funny one ... because of his "problems" ... I honestly think that as long as he is fed, watered and has access to a computer and his nightly "snuggles" with me on the sofa then he'll be just fine. If I want to actually TALK to him, I need to sit with him on the stairs where there are no distractions and then I'll get all of 5 minutes before he loses interest! He is very hard to actually get inside of because of his ADHD/Aspergers ... but at the same time he is very very loving and we have a wonderful relationship. I can say without question that Nathan hugs are THE best in the world!

It's Megan I worry about. She is nearly ten and those double figures are a scary birthday number for a mother - well, for me anyway! She is so grown up and at the age now where she is really developing as a young lady as well as an individual with her own distinct tastes, likes & dislikes. I'm worried that I work too much and don't spend enough quality time with her. I want her to look back on her childhood and truly know that her Mum was there for her no matter what. I worry that I don't get to spend enough time with her and that there is just "too much to do" with the accounts, working on the website etc when I am at home ... that's when I'm not trying to clean up and stay on top of the housework! The rest of the time she's at school or I'm at work!

I just want my kids to know that the whole reason why I am doing this is for them. I need them to know that I work hard to try to give them a better future and to make up for the mistakes I made in the past. I still make mistakes every single day, but I realised not too long ago that I'm not superwoman and that it is okay not to be able to do everything. Gawd knows I still have a hell of a lot to put them through yet, but I'll take it one day at a time.

Even though I am very much aware of mistakes I've made in the past and I work so hard to try to fix them, I still screw up! I'm not perfect. Far from it. Today for example ... being yelled at twice by two different people for two different reasons. It really brought me down.

Anyway ... I think I need a bath and an early night. It's Monday tomorrow - a new day and a new week.

My shitty weekend

Stop the world, I WANT TO GET OFF.

I have worked SO hard and stressed SO much over the last few days and worked myself to the bone. I have completely exhausted myself mentally and physically, and it just feels like it is all for nothing. I've been feeling very unwell - dizzy spells and weird tingly feelings all over my body, and sooooooo tired. The fact that I didn't crash my car driving home from the show today was just a bloody miracle.

The photo taking in Chichester yesterday ended up as a total non event. We started a bit of a walk round, but A is suffering at the moment with a really bad back and he was very obviously in pain .... so we found a pub and had a few drinks while we waited for hub & F to come back. I won't say that I wasn't *slightly* annoyed (okay that's an understatement - I was very annoyed) because I had to go through SO much to get everything done for the show in time to go out for the afternoon. Then, I feel bad for feeling that because it wasn't A's fault - he was well up for it ... just in pain.

Still ... in the grand scheme of things it didn't help my stress levels with wasted time that I could have been working. THEN on top of it all, hub and I had a huge massive fight last night. I don't remember what time I finally fell asleep ... but it was late.

I then had to get up really early this morning and left for the show at Fontwell Racecourse in plenty of time. Megan was with me and I swear had it not been for her in the car then I probably would have lost it totally. I couldn't find the turnoff for it! How crazy is that? I've driven past it like a gazillion times ... but the entrance that I thought was the entrance - well, it wasn't!! I ended up going in completely the wrong direction and having to drive for ages to find a roundabout to get back the other way. It ended up taking forever. I felt my stress levels rising higher and higher until I was in floods of tears in the car!

I am angry with myself for allowing that to happen in front of Megan. It's not exactly the first time she's witnessed a meltdown, but I should have held it together better. I didn't show her a very good example of coping... We finally got there with just a few minutes until it opened so it was mega-speedy unpacking the stock and getting it all set up.

The final pisser? It was a really dreadful show and I only just really covered costs. There were hardly any people through the door - it was sooooo quiet. I can stand there smiling for 6 hours when it's worth it ... but standing there for 6 hours when it's deader than a dodo ... when I'm already feeling dizzy and unwell was not good. Megan kept me together though ... hehee she said it wasn't a bad day because we did make some money and we got free cake! Bless her.

Still ... it makes me continue to question WTF I am actually doing? If I am getting so wound up and so stressed all because of work ... is it REALLY worth it? This weekend - in fact the past few days have been so full on and nonstop and it just feels like it's all for nothing.I want to achieve my dream and get a shop because I know damned well I have a great product ... but I don't know how much more of this I can take.