My shitty weekend

Stop the world, I WANT TO GET OFF.

I have worked SO hard and stressed SO much over the last few days and worked myself to the bone. I have completely exhausted myself mentally and physically, and it just feels like it is all for nothing. I've been feeling very unwell - dizzy spells and weird tingly feelings all over my body, and sooooooo tired. The fact that I didn't crash my car driving home from the show today was just a bloody miracle.

The photo taking in Chichester yesterday ended up as a total non event. We started a bit of a walk round, but A is suffering at the moment with a really bad back and he was very obviously in pain .... so we found a pub and had a few drinks while we waited for hub & F to come back. I won't say that I wasn't *slightly* annoyed (okay that's an understatement - I was very annoyed) because I had to go through SO much to get everything done for the show in time to go out for the afternoon. Then, I feel bad for feeling that because it wasn't A's fault - he was well up for it ... just in pain.

Still ... in the grand scheme of things it didn't help my stress levels with wasted time that I could have been working. THEN on top of it all, hub and I had a huge massive fight last night. I don't remember what time I finally fell asleep ... but it was late.

I then had to get up really early this morning and left for the show at Fontwell Racecourse in plenty of time. Megan was with me and I swear had it not been for her in the car then I probably would have lost it totally. I couldn't find the turnoff for it! How crazy is that? I've driven past it like a gazillion times ... but the entrance that I thought was the entrance - well, it wasn't!! I ended up going in completely the wrong direction and having to drive for ages to find a roundabout to get back the other way. It ended up taking forever. I felt my stress levels rising higher and higher until I was in floods of tears in the car!

I am angry with myself for allowing that to happen in front of Megan. It's not exactly the first time she's witnessed a meltdown, but I should have held it together better. I didn't show her a very good example of coping... We finally got there with just a few minutes until it opened so it was mega-speedy unpacking the stock and getting it all set up.

The final pisser? It was a really dreadful show and I only just really covered costs. There were hardly any people through the door - it was sooooo quiet. I can stand there smiling for 6 hours when it's worth it ... but standing there for 6 hours when it's deader than a dodo ... when I'm already feeling dizzy and unwell was not good. Megan kept me together though ... hehee she said it wasn't a bad day because we did make some money and we got free cake! Bless her.

Still ... it makes me continue to question WTF I am actually doing? If I am getting so wound up and so stressed all because of work ... is it REALLY worth it? This weekend - in fact the past few days have been so full on and nonstop and it just feels like it's all for nothing.I want to achieve my dream and get a shop because I know damned well I have a great product ... but I don't know how much more of this I can take.

Crying my eyes out....

Rosie is my mum's dog. She is an Alsatian/Rotweiller cross but the sappiest dog you could ever want to meet. Mum adopted her about 7-8 years ago (ish, damn I can't remember for sure, but it was at least 2-3 years before Dad died) and then when dad died in 2003, Rosie was like Mum's rock.

Rosie is really ill .... very ill and it has all happened so quickly. Mum took her to the vet recently because she'd noticed a change in Rosie and the diagnosis came back very quickly that Rosie had a tumor. The vet told mum that they could operate but that it would only literally give her months and the operation is very expensive. Mum (rightly I feel) made the decision not to go for the operation because Rosie's quality of life is more important.

Mum took Rosie back to the vet today and sadly she has deteriorated in just a few days. Mum hates the thought of Rosie being in pain or suffering in any way, so it's looking like Wednesday will be the day... at least this way mum can prepare for it and the vet will come to her house. She's asked me to be there and I wouldn't have it any other way.

It's so sad ... not just because we'll all miss Rosie, but because she's one of the few remaining links to my dad. Damnit I still miss him....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XafBLDVtF7Y&feature=related - this is a link to Dolly Parton and Vince Gill singing "I will always love you" which is always a reminder of my dad for me. He loved country music and Dolly Parton in particular. This song was always a favourite of his ... not because of the words behind the song - my parents marriage was solid as a frigging rock ... but just because it's a really great song and one of his favourites. We played it at his funeral for him.

Ok I'm crying now - listening to this song over and over again and crying my eyes out for dad, for Rosie and for all that is completely shit in my life at the moment. Dad I miss you SO MUCH.

My dad was such an amazing person. I don't think I ever really remember him saying "I love you" unless I said it first to him ... but I knew it ... ohhh I knew it. I grew up knowing that I was absolutely 100% loved and I never questioned it. I didn't always get everything I *wanted* ... but Dad made sure that we always had everything we *needed.*

He was always there no matter what. He wasn't one of those dads that always missed the important stuff either. He worked HARD to get to where he was and worked from home a LOT in the evenings and weekends, but there was always time for my sister and I, and as I've said - his love was never EVER questioned. He was so proud of Sis and I too ... so proud of what we had achieved and accomplished ... I think he was definitely our biggest fan ...

Dad died Sept 1st 2003 at PRECISELY 10pm in the evening. He always was a bloody perfectionist (it's where I get it from!!) and it was almost like he waited until the dot of 10pm to finally let go! When he first died I thought about him every minute of every day ... then eventually it went to once a day ... then once every few days, once a week, once every couple of weeks etc until eventually ... I realised I think about him when I need his comfort or guidance.

I am NOT religious in any way shape or form ... I feel belief is personal and not for anyone else to criticise ... but I do like to think that he is keeping an eye out for me. Every now and again I see a little white feather and to me, that's his way of letting me know he is there.

Why white feathers? Well, and this is an absolutely 100% true story. The day after dad had died, Mum, my sister and I were sat in my back garden contemplating life without him, and all of a sudden out of nowhere this white feather appeared in the air. It floated all around - left, right, up and down in the wind etc. Mum held out her hand and it landed right in her open palm.

It shocked the bejeebers out of us all I can tell ya! Mum still has that feather too. Ever since then it's either been a weird bizarre co-incidence ... or it's been a sign because whenever I feel like I am really up against a brick wall, and that life just really aint worth it ... I get a lil white feather.

Damn I hadn't meant to waffle so much ... at least the tears have stopped now.