Keeping fingers firmly crossed!!

Well ....... it hasn't exactly been a fabulous week for sales totals, but I'm safe in the knowledge that last week was REALLY good, so as long as next week works out okay then we'll be just fine :-)

Talking of next week, it's my first time at the East Preston monthly market on Wednesday next week and I am really looking forward to it. This will be a regular slot the first Wednesday of every month and it's already an established market so I'll be able to build up a regular clientele. I still want something at least weekly to guarantee me sales if the website is slow ... but we're working on that (the Royal "we" that is LOL)

Meanwhile tonight I've had a night off from number crunching and I've been working on designing a poster to promote candle parties to put up in shop windows around the local area. I'm really pleased with how it turned out ... it's looking gooooooood!! I'll get a few printed off tomorrow and then drop some off in town over the weekend. I hate not being mega busy with orders! I never really truly know what to do with myself!

Next Friday night will be fun though ... I'm going over to Lou's as it is her daughter's prom night and I'll be taking photos of her daughter getting ready and the all dressed up on the night. I can't WAIT! I'm soooo looking forward to it because a) I haven't done anything "fun" with my camera since my 25 smiles project ... and b) it's been aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaages since Lou & I did anything and we'll have a damned good night chatting and putting the world to rights!

Soooooooooo anyway I've drunk a lil too much and am in danger of waffling on about things that really shouldn't be said in public, so it's time to say goodnight! LOL

A non day ........

After being awake until 3am in the morning (and consuming half a bottle of wine between 1.30-3am - don't ask!!) I've had a real fuzzy head for most of the day. I couldn't go into the workshop first thing because if the police had stopped me en-route, I would probably have still been over the limit so I just didn't chance it. Went in for a few hours this afternoon and did the necessary.

Still no new orders .... it's getting worse.

You'll have to excuse me - I'm feeling melancholy today.

Lettuces, pain relief and toothache ... a mixed bundle!

Okay I've been slack due to my migraine & toothache - so sue me! LOL This pic of my lettuces was actually taken a week ago and trust me these babies have grown a LOT since then!!! My arse is firmly planted right on the sofa right now though (with a glass of wine) and I'm NOT getting up to take new pics - I'll do that tomorrow, or the next day! HAH!

These were planted 10th March from seed ... so technically as "30 day lettuces" they should be ready about now - I promise to take a new pic tomorrow to show how much they have grown because the difference is incredible - I've just had a couple glasses of wine (or six!) and can't be assed to move right now and hook the camera up!! I HAVE however tasted them already and they are sooooooo nice! As it's my first crop of lettuce, I want to just wait a couple of weeks to see what difference that makes to the yield!

The new seeds I planted the other day that have been in a propagator have sprouted ... so plan for tomorrow is re-pot the tomatoes (doing fabulously since my "chop the crap out of the leaves with thrip" method of organic bug warfare!) as the roots are showing at the bottom of the pots ... use those empty pots to re-pot the lettuce seedlings and then get more lettuce on the go!

Anyway ok that's the gardening update out of the way!

Me update ... well the period from hell finally finished yesterday! I am now officially "back on the pill" so my oestrogen levels should increase and any "menstrual migraines" should techincally be gone! I woke up this morning and realised I'd been left with a *minor* headache that would be about a 1 or 2 on the 1-10 pain scale (10 being childbirth!) but it's one of those niggly "there all of the time" type of headaches so I didn't bother taking pain relief today because it kinda hasn't been that bad ...

Maybe it's just me but I don't like to take pain relief unless I absolutely HAVE to. I've always been like that though ... I'm not a weak person, I am a strong person and when things HAVE to be done, I am there to do them! It's almost like taking pain relief is somehow admitting defeat ... and anyone that knows me knows that Dee doesn't ever admit defeat!! Needless to say, with a headache that has niggled all day, I took some prescription pain relief about half an hour ago and oh joy, oh bliss ... it has gone ...

... along with the toothache!!!

Damn the frigging toothache! You know, I could cope with a 1-2 on the pain scale headache, but toothache at the same time is such a bitch. Funnily enough after Megan was born I remember saying to another new mum I'd rather go to the dentist than give birth, but that was before I had ever experienced real toothache!! Gimme childbirth anyday these days!

Okay see now I have been sat here for the last ten minutes thinking about how much I would love to have another baby again ... DAMN I have to stop thinking about that! Okay am gonna close now before I get all depressive! LOL

A book in all of us??

Well so they say! Or someone said ... well I can just remember hearing somewhere that there is apparently a book in all of us.

I actually wrote one before ... a proper book I mean! I was about 14 and it started as a short story of around 15,000 words ... quite a profound story one about a girl whose mother died, whose father turned to alcohol and she ended up responsible for her younger brother and sister while her father recovered. I gave it to my mum to read, and at the end she was desperate to know what happened next! Sooo I sat there with my BBC computer (yeah those were the days!) and a very basic word processing program back then ... and I turned it into a novel. I remember it was around 40,000 words I ended up churning out!

That was the problem though - it was churned out. It was only ever really meant to be a short story or maybe a novelette (25,000 words or so and in retrospect I knew even at the time that it could have been elaborated on more!) I know that in retrospect now, but at the time, the young excited me sent it off to loads of publishers .... and then actually FILED my rejection letters in a folder! LOL

I've lost all the files now - which is a real shame really, but over the years, the times I have moved and the way technology has moved on (back when floppy discs were actually floppy!!) the files just got lost too.

Thing is, I've actually started writing again. It's not like I haven't ever written anything since ... heck I blog almost every day! LOL and I write lots of "articles" ... mainly about candlemaking, but about other stuff too and I've always been called the wordy one!!

I don't want to say too much about it because it's a little bit scary really! It's almost like admitting that I have officially actually started something that I think could actually be publishable!! It's good too ... very obviously rough draft, but it's pretty good. In the 3 days since I started it, I've already re-arranged and re-organised most of the first page to really come up with a stonker of an opener and re-written everything I've done so far about six times!!

When I sat down to write this afternoon when the kids were home from school, fed watered and ensconced in their bedrooms ... I had something like 5,000 words and had a basic structure for chapters 1, 2 and 3 although the main writing part still needed to be done.

Well, this afternoon I actually DELETED 2,604 words simply because I decided the scene didn't work!!!! I then deleted most of my chapter outlines for Chs 2 and 3 as it wasn't working and then concentrated on chapter one!

Okay I didn't actually fully delete them - I copied and pasted everything I took out into another document for "future reference!"

A book in all of us ... and you should write about what you know... Crikey I'd be arrested if I were that honest!! Sooo what I've started writing is a novel loosely based around me as the main character (funny that eh) but with LOTS of fiction interspersed with real actual events... but it IS going to be mainly fiction to protect the innocent!

The funny thing is though ... with the way my private and personal life is actually going, I don't actually know the end of the book myself yet. The ending of my own personal story will go one of two very distinct ways ... and as of yet, I still don't know which way that will be.

I will never forget the letter I got from Penguin books when the 14 year old me excitedly sent off the printed manuscripts! This letter from the Penguin Books editor was a personal one rather than a generic "thank you but blah blah" letter I got from most of them which is why I will always remember it. It said "You write as if you know the characters intricately, but you never do truly allow the reader into their personalities." I've been thinking about that all day today and I think it's why I re-hashed it so many times.

I also realised that the reasons I re-wrote and re-hashed it all so many times over the last couple of days is because I was trying to write it in the third person and I can't do that. Although it is ending up being a lot more fiction than fact, it IS my story and it needed to be written in the first person! As soon as I had figured that out, it all just started to flow!

I started to put together a rough outline in my private hand written journal (stashed somewhere it will NEVER be found!) of where things started for me, where it went from then, how I felt at each stage ... then before I knew it, I realised that THIS was my story outline.

See, I've no idea whether I will EVER do anything with this story! I know that I have more than enough to start writing it properly, and hopefully as the writing draws to a natural conclusion, I will know in my heart which way it needs to go for my characters to achieve happiness/closure. I am half hoping that once I know what my characters need ... I will know what *I* need.

Well heck it makes sense in my head anyway!

I may keep it purely personal and treat it as a personal diary never to be read by anybody else's eyes and my final closure on a very unexpected journey in my private life.

Whichever way it goes, I've been truly happy today because I've been writing again and it feels really good! In the shower this morning I had to get out mid shampoo and type a fabulous sentence out before I forgot it! Yeah the naked writer! LOL maybe I need to start a new blog! HAH!

See, this is precisely why I ALWAYS have a small notepad and at least a couple of pens at the bottom of my handbag and why I feel totally naked without my bag! Inspiration strikes at the weirdest times! Ooooh crikey ... major flashback!! I can remember when I was about 14 and trying to turn my short story into

Anyway ... although I love waffling here (yeah okay I've been drinking and smoking but I feel the most creative and inspired after just a couple glasses of wine!) so I'm back off to let my fingers go a walkin' on my outline and see where my story ends up!

I'm not an alcoholic - I'm a drunk! Alcoholics go to meetings!!!

Just watched something interesting on TV called "Mummy Stop Drinking." I thought I'd watch it as it's pretty topical to the post I made this morning about how I should NEVER blog when I have been drinking!

It was definitely interesting. It followed three mums who were filmed by their kids about how much she was drinking. One of the women drank half a bottle of wine a day (in the evening) and SHE had a borderline dependance on alcohol! It made me think about how much *I* am drinking and it's definitely more than I should be!!

Apparently, for a woman it is okay units wise to have ONE glass of wine a night OR 2-3 glasses a couple of times a week.

Fuck I drink WAY more than that.

I've been talking to my girlfriends though and they all drink around the same amount I do, so either we are ALL alcoholics or there is something seriously wrong with the "recommended" amounts over the "realistic" ones!

I could easily put a bottle of wine a night away ... easily. I drink rose wine (white zinfandel which is actually pink! LOL) and it is SOOO easy to drink because it's refreshing and fruity. I probably drink 4 GOOD full up glasses of wine a night ... but I DO have nights where I choose consciously not to drink.

I think the fact that I have an awareness about my drinking habits and alcohol intake is a good thing! Alcohol doesn't currently interfere with my life in any way, and I don't EVER feel I need a drink in the mornings! It is something that is reserved purely for the evenings once the children are in bed. I think once it gets to the point where it is having an effect on your daily life and stopping you from getting things done ... THEN it is a problem!

Thing is ... are you capable of realising you have a problem BEFORE it becomes a problem?

I think I just need to make sure I have a couple of nights a week where I don't drink anything at all ... to prove a point! LOL nothing to do with overcompensating on the other five nights! HAH!

Okay, going to bed now! LOL It's gone midnight now and I am shattered!!!

I'm an awful person ...

In short .... (because I have been drinking and intend this to be a short blog entry but heck you never know with me!)

My show on Saturday was SHIT. It wasn't even worth getting out of bed for. The only thing that made it worth it was having Megan there to talk to! It really was a pile of crap. The ONLY lining in the cloud was that the table cost was 10& of sales! I showed the organiser my sales totals at the end of the day and I handed over £3.70. Yeah, it was THAT BAD!! Hardly anyone through the door!! I was so pissed off it was untrue!!!

On the upside, Sunday was Mothers Day and I did have a lovely wakeup when two children bounced on me around 7am with gifts!! Megan made me a lovely notebook holder covered in glitter (with a heart notepad) at Brownies, and Nathan made me a card and a photo frame at Beavers last week. It was truly lovely because their dad didn't have to take them out to BUY me something ... it was handmade from the heart :-D

I've had a bit of a sad and melancholy day today that I really can't blog about in public and part of that annoys the CRAP out of me! I know there are quite a few people who do read this blog regularly (yeah I know who all three of you are! LOL), and there are some things that I can't say in public.

All I can really say is that I reached a decision today that broke my heart to do. It's a purely personal thing and nothing to do with work (although I have been thinking about that too!) ... but this decision has been a long time coming. It's been really HARD for me recently as I have felt stuck between a rock and a hard place ... and today, although it cut me to the core and hurt me immensely ... I made the choice.

That's all I can say about it online really!

If you are one of the three people I have mentioned (my closest friends and I love you guys!) then you will know what I am talking about! The rest of you will just have to guess because my lips are sealed!

Meanwhile ... the conscious decision I made yesterday (Sunday eve) not to drink on a Mon, Tues or Weds eve flew straight out of the window tonight when hub brought home a box of wine after he'd walked the dog. I think he could just tell I needed it even though I couldn't honestly tell him why...

I wish I could go into more detail here because I am in the mood to waffle (yeah 4th glass of wine!) but I can't. I will say that the alcohol ended up being a very good idea because I am pretty numb right now.

And thank FUCK for spell check!!

I just feel bad for so many reasons right now. It's been a truly bad day - certainly the worst on record for at least a year!!

Ok, so mebbe that wasn't so short ... so sue me!