My meltdown ....

So yesterday I had what is henceforth to be referred to as "The Sainsburys Meltdown." Put very simply I think my stress tolerance levels had reached a point where they were undeniably no longer tolerant!! I collapsed on the floor in the middle of the juice/fruit squash aisle in Sainsburys crying my eyes out. It all suddenly seemed to become just too much.

The worst bit for me was knowing that Megan was watching while it was happening, but there was nothing I could do about it at that point. She just stayed out of the way the whole time and then came over and hugged me while I was sat on the floor. I’ve talked to her about it since, and explained that it wasn’t anybody’s fault and that sometimes even grown ups get so stressed that they just need to stand there and scream! We had a good chat. The funny thing is that I think she really did understand. That girl never ceases to amaze me.

This will be a very long entry! Get comfy!

Right from the start the shopping trip yesterday was doomed. Firstly, shopping as a "family group" with two children is always stressful at the best of times, and secondly I had to shop for a completely dairy free diet for myself for at least the next two weeks, which means reading labels. A LOT of labels... resulting in the shopping trip taking MUCH longer than usual and the children getting bored and restless. The stupid thing is that it really all came down to being over a houseplant and a box of strawberry magic straws! Yes, really.

Why was it something so ridiculously absurd that finally sent me over the edge yesterday? Why couldn’t it have been a great big huge thing? Something to actually burst into tears about that makes more sense than a couple of grocery items? Isn’t it always the little things though … I mean when big stuff happens we manage to somehow carry on regardless, stiff upper lip, being strong for the rest of them etc … but then finally something has to give – something has to be the catalyst for that ultimate breakdown and it ends up being the silliest thing … which hopefully is what will make me able to laugh about it in the future.

At the entrance to the supermarket is a big display with houseplants and flowers. Nathan asked if he could have a plant for his room. I couldn’t think of any real reason why not, so I said okay… and then we began our slow mooch around the shop. I try to involve Nathan in the choosing of vegetables in an attempt to get him to eat them, so he spent about 5 minutes picking the perfect aubergine! Not a problem and on we go. Nathan starts being defiant, insisting he was the one to push the trolley – which only ever results into crashing into people or knocking things off the shelves, as he isn’t tall enough to see over the top properly. You have to kind of let him push yet guide the trolley at the same time and ignore him when he gets stroppy if you have even a little finger on it.

Stress levels beginning to bubble.

While I was scanning the back of a jar of something for milk allergy labels I could hear Nathan asking his dad for strawberry magic straws. He was told no because we already have some chocolate ones at home and then I could see Nathan starting on about how they were different etc (Nathan is very matter of fact and logical about things!) and he was again told no. Nathan starts to build up into tantrum mode because he wasn’t getting his own way … and what did my husband do? He said, “Oh okay then” and put them in the trolley. That just made my blood SERIOUSLY boil because although I hadn’t had a huge issue with Nathan having or not having the strawberry magic straws, what I DID have a bloody enormous issue with was the fact that hub gave in to Nathan. That’s just plain bad parenting because I do not – and as far as I was concerned “we” as a parental unit do not give in! I’m happy to compromise and make “deals” for things, but giving in after saying no … well that’s a big no no and it was the start of it really – I grabbed hub, pulled him to one side and probably was louder and more hostile than I needed to be in the grand scheme of things, but as I said above, I think the whole shopping trip was the catalyst in my stress levels.

I consciously decided to try to calm down and play the whole thing cool at that stage. I put the magic straws back on the shelf, knelt down to Nathan and told him very calmly and in a controlled yet firm manner (and I was even thinking at the time “Supernanny eat your heart out” because I was proud of how I was handling it!) that he could have the magic straws IF he behaved himself while we finished our shopping. I said IF he was good then we would come back and get them at the end but that if he didn’t behave then the plant would go back and there would be no magic straws and he would be grounded (no playstation, no Nintendo DS and no computer for the rest of the day). He started to throw a tantrum, but I simply repeated myself calmly yet firmly because as far as I was concerned this was a reasonable compromise on the fact that he’d originally been told he couldn’t have them and then hub gave in. This way the parents still retain control but the child gets what they want and everybody is happy.

BUT while I was in the middle of my second calm repeat to Nathan (who was by this point in full tantrum mode - wriggling, refusing to listen and trying to climb the shelf to get the box back), hub interrupts and calls me over to look at a frigging product label further down that aisle. Bear in mind that I was already sorting out a problem that he had caused in the first place, he then caused me another one because Nathan was up on the shelf by then to get the magic straws which resulted in me yelling at hub, throwing the box back on the shelf, taking the plant out of the trolley and then being slightly less calm in the way that I then spoke to my son!!

A woman walked past me, looked me up and down before meeting my eyes and telling me that they could hear me in the next aisle and that I really shouldn’t be speaking to a child that way.

In retrospect, writing all of this out I can SEE how it happened. I can remember it all clear as day and seeing it in black and white makes a lot of sense. I still didn’t lose it at that point and still thought I was ticking boxes for the good mother way to deal with this kind of behaviour in public… by Nathan OR by hub! Oh that woman pissed me off … beyond where I was already, but you know what? I could have been VERY nasty. I could have hit her – hard and probably had a good plea for insanity on a murder charge, but I swallowed it. Yes, I took it on the chin, and replied very matter of factly; “Yes well you aren’t actually helping then are you” and gave my very worst “fuck off and die” stare.

I think what pissed me off more than anything was the lack of back up that I got from hub. He was just kind of “there” in the background and didn’t give me any support when I was dealing with his magic straw mess, then he didn’t say anything to the woman who I think really finally tipped me over the edge… and oh I told him so with no holds barred. Then I walked off.

I didn’t walk far … just far enough to start crying harder than I have cried in a long time. I remember having a moment of clarity and thinking that I needed to finish the shopping because there were so many really good non dairy things in there that I’d found and if we walked off and abandoned the shopping trolley then we’d need to go back and start all over again and the prospect of that was worse than walking around and finishing the shopping with my mascara running down my cheeks!!!

As I walked back towards where hub and the children had been, I saw them walking towards me. I could feel it building and building and building inside me. I cant even describe now exactly how I was feeling at that precise point, and I don’t remember whether I said anything to hub or whether I said nothing. It’s all a bit blank for those few seconds, but I starter crying harder and just lost my footing. I didn’t faint or anything explainable like that, I just lost the ability to stand up and control myself.

A perfect stranger came over and knelt in front of me, rubbing my arms and telling me that it was okay! She must have seen the build up because she asked me if Nathan had any problems. I managed to stammer that he had ADHD and Aspergers and she smiled knowingly, telling me that she understood, that it was hard and sometimes we all reach breaking point. She told me I needed to give Nathan a hug because no matter what, he was going to need one from me and he would need to know that I was okay. She was fantastic. I don’t know who she was and ashamedly I probably wouldn’t even recognise her if I saw her again, but if I could have picked anybody to be there for me while I had a meltdown, then I don’t think I could have chosen anyone as absolutely perfect to “deal with me” as she was. She seemed to know what I needed to hear and said those exact words to me to make it all somehow okay that I was a quivering heap in the middle of a supermarket.

I managed to stand up and … then the rest kind of pales into insignificance really. The shopping was finished very quietly and then for the rest of the day I just wanted to sit down and do nothing. I stayed awake long enough to watch England lose the rugby, then went to bed.