Is happiness overrated?

I have been discussing my "dilemma" that I can't post about here with a close friend. She said (and I quote directly!) "Its just mustering up the courage to admit to yourself what you really want with your life."

Damnit I hate it when my friends force me to THINK! Thinking is infinitely dangerous .... but the it is nearly 2am in the morning and I can't sleep ... so thinking may therefore be a GOOD thing.

... ack at any rate I'm thinking ... therefore I am blogging!!!

So ... it's just a case of admitting to yourself what you really want with your life? It's something you think you already know the answer to (especially as a 30 something mother of two!) BUT, the scary thing is, until you actually have to sit down and answer that question you don't necessarily know.

So .... what DO I want from my life?

• I want my children to be happy and for them to have the absolutely best life I can possibly give them, even when it means personal sacrifice.
• I want to wake up in the mornings with a smile on my face, knowing it's a brand new day with brand new opportunities just there for the taking.
• I want the freedom to get paid for something I love doing, while having flexible working hours to fit around my children.
• To live "comfortably." ie have the bills paid, food in the cupboards, clothes on my back and enough pennies leftover in my bank account to be able to buy a gorgeous pair of shoes when the odd occasional urge strikes me without fear of great debt or having to hide them and lie about the cost (not that I have EVER done that!)
• To live near the ocean ALWAYS. I need to be somewhere not far from the water but also somewhere that has countryside and nature so I can escape to solitude when I want to ... but it also has to be close enough "real life", meeting new people and decent shopping!! Basically I need a waterfront, countryside house in the middle of a thriving metropolis! That's not too much to ask, right?
• I want to live in a house where the kitchen is the heart and hub of the home. I want my kids to be there at the table doing their homework as I am cooking dinner, chatting to them and spending time with them.
• I desperately want to have time to stop and smell the flowers every now and again. Maybe photograph a few of them too!
• To spend more time scrapbooking, making cards and just being creative.
• Friends that I can 100% rely on to be there for me as I would be there for them.
• I want to be at least HALF the mother to my kids that my mother was to me. This could be a whole separate post on it's own ... LOL I mean that I want to be there for them - a friend as well as a parent and to have a mutually respectful relationship with them both.
• I want to be happy. Content isn't enough. I need to be happy.
• Another baby. I can't help it. It's on my want list.

What I DON'T want .....

• I don't want my children to suffer in any way, shape or form based on a bad decision that I make.
• I hate having to rely on prescription anti-depressants to reduce my anxiety attacks and the permanent feeling of "impending doom" that I currently live with on a daily basis.
• I don't want to be stressed anymore. These days I get stressed to the point that I can potentially have several panic attacks a day and it's affecting so many other areas of my life as well.
• I don't want to be constantly *and I do mean constantly* worried about money and debts. Everybody is entitled to the odd money worry (apart from the rich bastards!) but I know I probably worry TOO much and if I were just to bite the bullet ...
• I never want to lose touch with good friends. It occurred to me writing this that there is a really good friend - C who I have known for YEARS whose birthday it is tomorrow ... and who I haven't seen or spoken to in almost a year... I feel dreadful about that. She could have just as easily picked up the phone to me - but for whatever reason we've kinda lost touch. I need to re-kindle some old friendships to make sure they don't die.
• To make the wrong decision.
• To compromise for the sake of "an easy life".

There, that wasn't so hard - it's just a mega HUGE list that I could never achieve... that I could also keep adding to and adding to the more I think about it!! I'm going to stop now or I really could be here all night and it's late enough already!

Maybe happiness is over-rated after all.

Still dreaming ... ohh and a gardening update!

My head has been in a bit of a state most of the day today ... in a good way though. Part of me can't believe I am actually even contemplating taking such a huge enormous step. In fact it's not just huge or enormous ... it's frigging massive. Literally the end of everything that is currently "safe" and familiar to me and taking a jump into totally unchartered territory. Scary Mary. Okay well enough talking about things that I can't talk about yet ... LOL (moving swiftly on .....)

Anyway onto definitely happy stuff! I've been munching my way through my lettuces for the last couple of weeks and they are still going strong! They look and taste fabulous just on their own with olive oil and black pepper!! I take a few leaves from each plant and to be honest there is still loads of life left in that first batch!!! The first batch is on the right and the second batch (3 weeks behind) is on the left. Doing well huh!!

And check my tomatoes out too!!! God I am so proud of these!!! These are my original little seedlings that got attacked by something (thrip I *think* and I used Dee's organic method of bug warfare by just chopping the crap out of them, removing any diseased leaves and talking to them nicely (the plants not the diseased leaves!) every morning when I check on them! LOL and it's worked. They are thriving, healthy and ready for another re-pot soon! There is 3 plants in each pot at the moment and they need to go into their own individual pots. It's so exciting! LOL

I took some photos of my chilli pepper plant but I couldn't get a decent shot that really shows how well itis doing too! I bought my chilli plant as a baby plant from a garden centre last summer and nurtured it & loved it ... and it grew the most AWESOME kick ass chillis!! The info card led me to believe that it wouldn't last through the winter ... and I guess outdoors it may not have survived the frost .... but I kept it watered and then in February this year I chopped it right back - not really knowing what I was doing but took a chance on it!! I was fairly brutal - and over the last month it's been flowering and there are most definitely chillis growing again!!

Mad how such small little things make me so excited eh!

Dreams ... and what the fuck is normality anyway???

I've been moaning about how inconvenient it has been to have the kids off for the past two weeks, and now I am faced with the fact that they go back to school tomorrow and that normality must resume!

It's funny how on an evening when I am contemplating normality ... I have also had a discussion with somebody - and the outcome of said discussion could affect my entire life and make it all very UN normal indeed!!!

In traditional ME style, I'm not saying anything about what this "thing" could be in "public". Part of me doesn't want to jinx it until I have really thought about it. I need to chew it over and then regurgitate it and dissect it all again!! ... and part of me is already convinced it would never work anyway, but maybe that's just the eternal pessimist in me.

Is it possible to have a dream that you always thought was the one you really wanted - until an unexpected somebody makes a suggestion - completely out of the blue - of an alternative dream that somehow seems better than your original dream AND more achievable than your original dream ... even though that first dream has been your dream for as long as you remember?

Yeah I bet I'm not making sense to anyone reading this, but *I* know what I mean and that's what counts.

Damn now this isn't what I had expected on a Sunday evening!! I took photos of my lettuces and my chervill to post (all looking very fabby!) ... but that somehow seems a bit irrelevant now!

Okay ignore my waffling I'm done now - I need to go think seriously about totally changing my life! Hopefully normal service will resume by Monday morning when I realise it could never ever ACTUALLY work ...

... or could it??????

Pics of Rosie Dog

Went for a lovely walk on the beach earlier with mum and the dogs to get some pics of Rosie. Her coat isn't as glossy and the shine has gone from her eyes, but other than being slower than usual ... she seems fine! It's almost hard to believe that mum has been told Rosie won't make it more than a couple of weeks now. One thing is for sure that dog is getting royally spoiled at the moment ... half a chicken for her dinner apparently, so at least she has a good appetite!!

Crying my eyes out....

Rosie is my mum's dog. She is an Alsatian/Rotweiller cross but the sappiest dog you could ever want to meet. Mum adopted her about 7-8 years ago (ish, damn I can't remember for sure, but it was at least 2-3 years before Dad died) and then when dad died in 2003, Rosie was like Mum's rock.

Rosie is really ill .... very ill and it has all happened so quickly. Mum took her to the vet recently because she'd noticed a change in Rosie and the diagnosis came back very quickly that Rosie had a tumor. The vet told mum that they could operate but that it would only literally give her months and the operation is very expensive. Mum (rightly I feel) made the decision not to go for the operation because Rosie's quality of life is more important.

Mum took Rosie back to the vet today and sadly she has deteriorated in just a few days. Mum hates the thought of Rosie being in pain or suffering in any way, so it's looking like Wednesday will be the day... at least this way mum can prepare for it and the vet will come to her house. She's asked me to be there and I wouldn't have it any other way.

It's so sad ... not just because we'll all miss Rosie, but because she's one of the few remaining links to my dad. Damnit I still miss him....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XafBLDVtF7Y&feature=related - this is a link to Dolly Parton and Vince Gill singing "I will always love you" which is always a reminder of my dad for me. He loved country music and Dolly Parton in particular. This song was always a favourite of his ... not because of the words behind the song - my parents marriage was solid as a frigging rock ... but just because it's a really great song and one of his favourites. We played it at his funeral for him.

Ok I'm crying now - listening to this song over and over again and crying my eyes out for dad, for Rosie and for all that is completely shit in my life at the moment. Dad I miss you SO MUCH.

My dad was such an amazing person. I don't think I ever really remember him saying "I love you" unless I said it first to him ... but I knew it ... ohhh I knew it. I grew up knowing that I was absolutely 100% loved and I never questioned it. I didn't always get everything I *wanted* ... but Dad made sure that we always had everything we *needed.*

He was always there no matter what. He wasn't one of those dads that always missed the important stuff either. He worked HARD to get to where he was and worked from home a LOT in the evenings and weekends, but there was always time for my sister and I, and as I've said - his love was never EVER questioned. He was so proud of Sis and I too ... so proud of what we had achieved and accomplished ... I think he was definitely our biggest fan ...

Dad died Sept 1st 2003 at PRECISELY 10pm in the evening. He always was a bloody perfectionist (it's where I get it from!!) and it was almost like he waited until the dot of 10pm to finally let go! When he first died I thought about him every minute of every day ... then eventually it went to once a day ... then once every few days, once a week, once every couple of weeks etc until eventually ... I realised I think about him when I need his comfort or guidance.

I am NOT religious in any way shape or form ... I feel belief is personal and not for anyone else to criticise ... but I do like to think that he is keeping an eye out for me. Every now and again I see a little white feather and to me, that's his way of letting me know he is there.

Why white feathers? Well, and this is an absolutely 100% true story. The day after dad had died, Mum, my sister and I were sat in my back garden contemplating life without him, and all of a sudden out of nowhere this white feather appeared in the air. It floated all around - left, right, up and down in the wind etc. Mum held out her hand and it landed right in her open palm.

It shocked the bejeebers out of us all I can tell ya! Mum still has that feather too. Ever since then it's either been a weird bizarre co-incidence ... or it's been a sign because whenever I feel like I am really up against a brick wall, and that life just really aint worth it ... I get a lil white feather.

Damn I hadn't meant to waffle so much ... at least the tears have stopped now.

Friday Five - 18th April 2008

Gawd it's been ages since I did the Friday Five!! It's usually Saturday morning by the time I remember! This week's one looks like fun ... it's all about over-use!!

1. What’s a catchphrase that gets overused at your workplace? Erm now that would either be a few choice rude words when I drop wax on myself or burn myself, or how I say "Cool Beans" out loud (to nobody in particular!) when something works perfectly!!

2. What item in your house has seen too much use lately? Can a girl admit that on a public forum?

What’s a word or phrase your friends would ask you to use a lot less, if you were to ask their opinion? LOL that would be "yeah okay" or "yeah right" or just "yeah" in general. I'm such a cynic these days!

What’s something in your life that’s pretty much been used up and needs replacing? My sanity! That counts, right? Especially recently - I have been so stressed out and I feel totally used up and dried out!

In what way have you been overused lately? There are so many ways I could answer this! See my answer to the above! I do think people take advantage of my good nature sometimes. I will always do whatever I can to help out my friends - even sometimes when I have to actually put myself out to help someone else. I do it out of love / respect for those I care about ... but sometimes I should just say no!

I LOVE evenings like this!!!

The kids are in bed and I am sprawled out on my bed with my laptop and the TV on ready to watch Sex in the City at 10pm!!

This time of the evening when it's all so quiet everywhere else, it's almost like I am alone in the house and I love it, esp when the hub is out of the house too!! (he's away for a couple nights) I CRAVE moments like this, and cherish them when I get them! Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my kids to bits, but I do love my "alone time" in the house just me relaxing in my bedroom!

I sent out my email promotion to selected companies earlier targeting my wholesale website ... fingers crossed on that one! The link from the major wholesale source is now live too and the stats show that I am already getting hits from it ... so that's all good!!

One more day ... just tomorrow to go, then the weekend then the kids go back to school and things can get back to normal again!!

My blurry lil boy! LOL

Nathan has been having headaches for a while and I took him to the optician today for an eye test. I told the optician in advance that Nathan had ADHD & Aspergers and it was almost amusing watching the poor optician struggle to get Nathan to concentrate!

One of the symptoms of Aspergers is lack of eye contact - Nathan finds it very difficult to look into someone's eyes for a prolonged period of time ... so it was very difficult for Nathan to do the eye test but he tried really hard!

I gave the optician permission to put drops into Nathan's eyes to "unfocus" them and stop them from rolling around all over the place ... this made his eyesight go completely blurry and it will be blurry for the next 8 hours or so. Poor lil guy!!

Anyway, the drops allowed the optician to look right into the back of Nathan's eyes and the resulting prescription is long sightedness. This means he can see really well far away, but not so well up close and this will hopefully mean less headaches.

We picked out a cool pair of blue metal frames for him which will hopefully be ready by Tuesday next week and he'll need to wear them for reading, writing, computer, TV and close up stuff etc.

Meanwhile it's the middle of the afternoon and all of the curtains are closed because bright light is hurting his eyes! He's been walking around all squinty and not really sure what to do with himself ... thankfully this is only temporary and he'll be fine by the time he goes to bed!

Sorry - crappy photo in bad light using my phone! LOL

Mundane Wednesday stuff!

I was chatting to a friend a few days ago about my seedlings and she was all enthusiastic, saying she'd seen the pics on my blog and said how much they had grown!! I was a bit taken aback because I hadn't really thought that people actually read my blog! LOL

I don't exactly write about news, politics, finance or current issues (other than anything that really strikes me and I remember to write about it!!) ... I guess I always thought that my life --- is --- pretty boring! LOL I just write about my daily mundane ... well ... stuff!!

Why blog then? Some would say that blogging is narcissistic, and a waste of time... (and they are probably right!) Why do I blog though? To be truthful I've always kept a journal anyway ... I'm such a forgetful klutz and it's a really good thing to be able to look back and think ohhh yeah I did such and such on that day! I always wrote my journal by hand before until I realised I was spending so much time online in the evenings or working on my laptop anyway (website stuff etc) that I may as well journal online too!

It's weird - it gets to around 10pm in the evening and if I haven't blogged/journalled that day then my fingers just feel itchy! It's like the dream where you realise you are nekkid in public ... it just aint right! I even find myself mentally noting things that happen during the day and thinking "I'll blog about that later!"

Is there a support group for blogaholics? An online one preferably! LOL

Today in general? Not so bad! I finished the re-vamp of the wholesale website ... so fingers crossed that will bring in some nice extra business for me. Also, now the site is finished, I plan on sending out an (unspam) mailing to selected online companies with a special offer on any wholesale orders placed before the end of May ... again fingers crossed!

It's the same all over though ... I don't think it really matters what business you are in ... the economy is shite at the moment. FFS the banks won't even lend to each other at the moment, first time buyers have no hope of getting a mortgage .... what hope does a lil candlemaker have of staying in business?

Being productive on a Tuesday evening

Soooo ... it turned out not to be such a bad day after all and definitely better than yesterday ... LOL that isn't exactly hard though! I was smiling by the time I actually left the workshop and I actually STILL have a smile on my face now (nearly 10pm).

Kids are in their rooms (they are allowed to stay up later on weekends & school holidays) and hub is attached to his PC in his little room! I love it when I get an evening to myself like this ... it's almost like there is nobody else in the house!

I've had a really productive evening so far and I'm just taking a quick break for a bit of a blog and a whinge before I hit the HTML code again! I've got myself a free trial on an excellent wholesale website to bring in some new business, so I've been working like a woman possessed on my wholesale site ready for when the link to my site goes live from theirs. I'm uploading the changes as I go to force myself to keep working on it or the site will be mis-matched! LOL

So okay ... whinge time ... I still feel like I am sinking faster than I can swim, but damnit I still have a smile on my face! If I do go down then it will be kicking and screaming all the way...

I need to generate some cash flow ... and fast!!! Well, back to the HTML coding in the meantime!!

Ugh .... and headache!

Well despite another massive headache today and the awfulness of yesterday, I was determined to have a good day today...

<---- HEADACHE!

No pain killers in the workshop either :-(

I was in the workshop fairly early and my wax finally arrived - along with the UPS man with a box of fragrance oils that have been stuck in customs forever (or so it seems!!!) It's been a nightmare recently for work, especially with the kids off school ... no wax and low on so many oils!

Anyway after both deliveries had arrived, I was able to really get stuck in and get some orders cracked out today and as the kids are still off school this week, I'll be working a couple of evenings to make up!! Fingers crossed by the end of this weekend I'll be totally caught up on everything.

It's a shame we don't have scratch and sniff internet because the black cherry votives you can see me pouring in the photo are soooooo strong!! I have to hold my breath while I pour this fragrance! LOL

Doesn't help my headache!

Ah well, break over ... back to work!

I hate Mondays - banish them FOREVER! (Major vent)

Everybody hates them so they just shouldn't exist! I know very few people who actually look forward to Monday mornings! I mean I'm sure there are the few who break the rule ... like people who don't ever have to work on Monday mornings and who get to sleep in and ignore the rest of the world until at least Tuesday.

Today has officially been the crappiest Monday that I've had in a long time.

Does anyone even care why? Pffffftttt doesn't even matter because I am going to whine about it anyway (talking about wine ... now where's my glass...)

I am depressed about money. I sometimes feel that I am sinking faster than I can swim and that scares the crap outta me. The business is short of "cash flow" and although orders are coming in ... so are the bills! The household is short of money because I am not taking any drawings from the business at the moment either.

It's not completely dire - well, not yet anyway.. but something has to change soon and I mean SOON or I'm gonna sink, I can feel it. I've even been thinking about trying an evening job again to make some extra cash..... but my skills are worth so much more than just minimum wage!

So yeah... as well as the melancholy, stressed, worried and generally pissed off attitude that I had already developed by late this afternoon, you gotta add in the fact that I am completely out of wax and my delivery now doesn't arrive until tomorrow. All I can say is that it had better show up tomorrow or heads are gonna roll! What good is a candlemaker who has no wax?

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! LOL this photo is from a few months back (pre-fringe!) when I was stressed and turned the camera on myself ... but it just sums up how I have been feeling today!!! The title of the photo is "I am WOMAN, hear me ROAR!"

Thank f**k I am a smoker who has had a glass or four of wine and some chilled out music playing in the background! I may just make it to Tuesday after all ....

My daughter just told me .....

(via MSN from her bedroom while I am sat in the lounge with my laptop!) that she loves me more than she loves her phone!

Wow, I guess she loves me a LOT because that girl loves her new phone!!

A good Sunday always involves gardening :-)

Yeah it's been a good day today! I went into work for a bit but can't do a huge amount until my wax delivery on Tuesday, so I've been doing packaging and working on the website updates mainly. It is soooo frustrating having the kids on school holidays cutting my working hours, but even MORE frustrating that I have no wax!!

So anyway, this afternoon after I'd finished work ended up as a bit of an accidental brainstorming session to help a friend out! What started off as a conversation about (I believe it was my lettuces! LOL) ended up suddenly going off on a tangent with all kinds of ideas! It's always good to see your friends with a smile on their face too. I know most of my good friends are as stressed out in real life as I am, and seeing someone else smiling, motivated and positive made me feel that way too :-)

Aaaaaaaanyway teensy quick gardening update! My 3rd batch of lettuces have sprung up ALREADY!! I only planted them on THURSDAY last week! I checked them this morning and almost fell off my feet when I saw that the majority of them have popped up overnight! That is literally 3 days to germinate into baby seedlings!! Wow!! These are all the mixed spicy lettuce variety too - my favourites! The chervill seedlings are doing okay - as are the basil ones ... but no cucumbers yet... well, there IS one, but I am not entirely sure that it is a cucumber as I planted individual seeds in the middle of the cells and this little thing has popped up to one side. I can't see how weeds have found their way into compost stored in a conservatory ... so I will have to wait and see on those! Still - the 3 day lettuces have MORE than made up for it!

I'm getting old and sad huh! But I tell ya it makes me happy!

Good Luck in the marathon Shaun!!!

A friend of mine is running in the London Marathon today - brave brave man! He'd tried getting in for a few years and this year was finally accepted. They said on the TV this morning that 48,000 runners were accepted - and 35,305 actually turned up. It's amazing - so many different people there and how the heck you run in a sonic the hedgehog outfit I'll never know!!

Anyway will be watching it off and on - good luck Shaun!!!

Megan's first phone!

I gave Megan her very first mobile phone today as a "just because" gift!! OMG she cracks me up - she still has such a huge grin on her face and keeps running into the room with her phone against her face saying "I love you phone" then laughing maniacally and running out again!

Originally I'd said she could have one when she starts senior school in a couple of years (i.e. age 11-12) ... but I'd changed my mind and said she could have one for her 10th birthday this year because she is grown up, responsible, mature and doesn't ever really give us any grief! LOL She is doing well and making huge HUGE improvements in so many areas at school, her general attitude is great (the odd bit of cheek but I can cope with that!) she is popular and well liked by her friends etc... AND it's actually the only thing she has asked for.

Anyway, part of the reason why I'd changed my mind on it was because I wanted a way to show her that look, if you act mature and responsibly then you'll be treated accordingly!! As adults we have to work for our rewards and I think it's the same for the kids too. It's just a shame that these days it's all about computers and mobile phones!

Damn I sound old! LOL

Anyway, I actually picked up a little pink pay as you go phone when I upgraded mine recently that I knew would be ideal for her - I stuck a tenners worth of credit on it and I've had it stashed away in a safe place!! I spoke to hub this evening and he agreed with me that she's kept her room immaculately tidy for the last few weeks without complaint, she's done all the chores asked of her and extra ones without being asked ... and that maybe this was one of those times that warranted a "just because" present.

Oh wow she is one happy girl! I wrapped the phone up and gave her the gift ... then I rang the number as she was unwrapping it! Her face was a picture!!! I've just noticed she's even put a notice on her door this evening saying "Don't come in, I'm busy loving my phone!" LOL

She knows that if her schoolwork drops, or she doesn't carry on helping out around the house then the phone is confiscated ... I don't think we'll have any trouble with that though!! She also knows that she will only get a certain amount of credit on her phone each week ... and once it's gone, it's gone!

I love seeing her with such a bright and beaming smile on her face. She's a good girl and she deserves it!

I SO want root trainers

And here begins a post with words I thought I would never EVER utter ....

"So, I was sat here watching Gardener's World ..."

(sigh I am hooked!) and ole Alan Titchmarsh is demonstrating something called Root Trainers. I was so "WOW" over these root trainers that I had to pause TV (gotta love Sky Broadband!) and look them up!

OMG they are terrific and I so want me a whole mega pile of these!!!! If anybody loves me enough, you can get them at http://www.rootrainers.co.uk/ and they aren't expensive ... I'm just skint! LOL The cells open up like a book so that you can check on root progress and check that there is enough moisture in the roots. It also puts a lot less stress on the seedlings when they are ready to plant out.

I am now never ever going to miss Gardener's World again!! Damn I really am getting old and sad huh!

So consider these officially on my birthday wish list! LOL

So I think I have "hybrid" bluebells ... LOL

So these are close up pics of the bluebells in my garden. I NEEEED a macro lens for my camera to get better real sharp close ups, but this is the best I could get!

I found a website that has a quick online questionnaire to work out whether bluebells are the native, hybrid or spanish variety ... http://www.plantlife.org.uk/bluebell/plants.htm and according to the answers I filled in, mine are hybrid ... BUT it's very hard to tell for sure because the flowers are only just starting to bloom and even the open ones aren't 100% fully open yet!

What did strike me as I was taking the pics though ... was how beautifully and stunningly deep purple the stem of the flower is - gorgeous! The insides of the flowers are definitely a pale blue and not the cream from the spanish ones, and the flowers are definitely purple as opposed to pale blue ... so I am sure they are hybrid. Anyway I'll let my friend take a look at the pics and we'll get an "expert" *grin* opinion!!

Meanwhile Tinkerbell had a lot of fun getting in the way while I was taking pics!! LOL

"... you can't see me ... I'm not here .... ohhh scuse me while I lay down right where you are trying to take photos ... please take pics of me and adore me .... LOL"

Nathan DR update and *shock* I'm a GOOD mother?

What a wonderful update to be able to give the doctor! Nathan has been seeing a specialist at the children's centre in the local hospital since we first started on the road to diagnosis four years ago, and although his appointments were once every 12 weeks, he's now only seen every 6 months for an update because he is stable on his medication and doing well.

He's also grown just over a centimetre to 118cm and has gained half a kilo in the last 6 months ... It doesn't sound like much, but for a child that eats hardly *anything* and is Skinny McSkinny that would almost snap in half ... it's good that he gains weight and height - even little bits!

Other than the odd toilet accident to be negative about (all part of his diagnosis anyway) and the annoying way he doesn't eat "proper" food, everything else I had to tell his specialist was all good stuff! His reading has improved tenfold and I took his current school reading book along for him to read a bit to her - she was impressed! Told her about how he's had several merits for maths, how his teacher commented on the fact that although his handwriting is messy, his SPELLING is actually very good for a child his age. It was just all good stuff to tell her! We talked a little about his eating habits, made sure I was positive (with Nathan in the room listening too!) about how he HAS been trying some new foods recently and discovered extra things he likes.

She said to me how NICE it was to hear a parent being so positive and encouraging about their child!! She said all day that she hears nothing but negativity from parents and that Nathan's improvements are obviously very much down to being in a supportive environment and good parenting.

Made me proud of myself to hear someone "official" tell me I am a good mum! I know I am faaaaaaaar from perfect and I screw up a lot as a parent, but I think we all do because there aint no book out there that can tell you how to do it - you just have to love your kids and want the best for them and that isn't exactly hard to do :-)

Cool little widget!

I was up mega early this morning (yeah don't ask!) and not only have I cleaned the house, but I've been playing around with the widgets from blogcatalog and found one that shows my recent facebook status updates as well as what I have been listening to on last.fm!

If you know me, you'll know I am a huge fan of pointless stats and stalking myself ... LOL Check out the bright pink box on the right hand side under the "about me" bit! Hehehe

My fingers are getting greener!!

Look at my tomatoes!! Yeah! Aren't they looking healthy and happy? LOL I am so pleased! I spent a good part of the morning repotting, planting and generally pottering!! I had such a good time! Hehehe!

What amazes me is these tomatoes are the same ones that were attacked by something looking like thrip - I chopped them right back to get rid of any diseased leaves and even started new seeds off "just incase" ... but they are actually looking pretty dang good!

The black pots on the right are my lil baby aubergines - doing real well, and on the left are the 2nd batch of lettuces that have just come out of the propagator into pots. They look all sickly and week from the stress of moving, but within a few days they will be healthy again!! I planted the third batch of lettuce seeds today - all the spicy variety this time ... and it is just so exciting knowing that I am growing my own food!

This is a pic fresh from today of my first batch of lettuces (the ones that I have been taste testing and the ones I posted a pic of yesterday from a few days ago!) I am SO pleased with how well they are doing, and the fact that I have my third batch on the go now is like yeah baby!!

I can't believe that *I* am getting so excited and so caught up in gardening! I am actually even thinking about starting to watch Gardener's World ... but don't quote me on that eh ... hmmm I could even sky plus it so that I never have to miss it either! Damn, did I say that? Holy crapoly what is happening to me! LOL

So anyway, moving on and keeping on track ... it's actually been an exciting day in Dee's plant world as my chervill seeds have started to pop and all 4 of my basil trays have popped up too!! I'm still waiting on the cucumbers ... but the packet does say up to 14 days to germinate and we DID have that snow and cold spell recently ... but still, they are in a propagator in the conservatory so they should be okay!

I SO SO gotta get me some square pots too ... look at the pic of the lettuces above all procariously balanced on a plate - it's not good!! Square pots would be better space wise, and also a little birdie told me that it's actually better for the roots in a square pot too. So yeah ... when I can eventually afford it, I want to replace ALL of my pots for square ones. That'll be a while then!! Hahaha

Chatting with a friend today about the bluebells everywhere too. Apparently there are a few different types and my garden is covered in them! I've been asked to take some photos to try to identify whether they are native, hybrid or a nasty "take over the world" type of variety! LOL

Watch this space for some err bluebell pics tomorrow I guess!

Lettuces, pain relief and toothache ... a mixed bundle!

Okay I've been slack due to my migraine & toothache - so sue me! LOL This pic of my lettuces was actually taken a week ago and trust me these babies have grown a LOT since then!!! My arse is firmly planted right on the sofa right now though (with a glass of wine) and I'm NOT getting up to take new pics - I'll do that tomorrow, or the next day! HAH!

These were planted 10th March from seed ... so technically as "30 day lettuces" they should be ready about now - I promise to take a new pic tomorrow to show how much they have grown because the difference is incredible - I've just had a couple glasses of wine (or six!) and can't be assed to move right now and hook the camera up!! I HAVE however tasted them already and they are sooooooo nice! As it's my first crop of lettuce, I want to just wait a couple of weeks to see what difference that makes to the yield!

The new seeds I planted the other day that have been in a propagator have sprouted ... so plan for tomorrow is re-pot the tomatoes (doing fabulously since my "chop the crap out of the leaves with thrip" method of organic bug warfare!) as the roots are showing at the bottom of the pots ... use those empty pots to re-pot the lettuce seedlings and then get more lettuce on the go!

Anyway ok that's the gardening update out of the way!

Me update ... well the period from hell finally finished yesterday! I am now officially "back on the pill" so my oestrogen levels should increase and any "menstrual migraines" should techincally be gone! I woke up this morning and realised I'd been left with a *minor* headache that would be about a 1 or 2 on the 1-10 pain scale (10 being childbirth!) but it's one of those niggly "there all of the time" type of headaches so I didn't bother taking pain relief today because it kinda hasn't been that bad ...

Maybe it's just me but I don't like to take pain relief unless I absolutely HAVE to. I've always been like that though ... I'm not a weak person, I am a strong person and when things HAVE to be done, I am there to do them! It's almost like taking pain relief is somehow admitting defeat ... and anyone that knows me knows that Dee doesn't ever admit defeat!! Needless to say, with a headache that has niggled all day, I took some prescription pain relief about half an hour ago and oh joy, oh bliss ... it has gone ...

... along with the toothache!!!

Damn the frigging toothache! You know, I could cope with a 1-2 on the pain scale headache, but toothache at the same time is such a bitch. Funnily enough after Megan was born I remember saying to another new mum I'd rather go to the dentist than give birth, but that was before I had ever experienced real toothache!! Gimme childbirth anyday these days!

Okay see now I have been sat here for the last ten minutes thinking about how much I would love to have another baby again ... DAMN I have to stop thinking about that! Okay am gonna close now before I get all depressive! LOL

And then the kids were on school holidays

... and the normality of my every day life goes completely up the swanny!!

I'm lucky that hub offered to take Monday off and work from home today so I was able to get into the workshop yesterday and today. Truth is, it hasn't come at a mega bad time because orders have been very slow over the last few days. If I HAVE to take enforced time off (ie kids off school) then I would rather it were when things are slow because it makes me feel less guilty!

On the downside, it means orders are slow! *sigh* time for another website revamp? I am gonna get pro-active over the next couple of weeks that the kids are on holiday (Damn the screwy easter dates this year!)

Soooo this evening I am trying desperately to put together a new format for the website that will really bring in the sales!! Mama has gotta go get seriously productive!

Certainly the most interesting Monday in a while!!

My day started off with me almost having a heart attack! I'd used my card in the hole in the wall of my local bank, and then gone straight into the branch to pay in a cheque. I hadn't realised that although I'd put my number in, requested the money and taken my card ... I hadn't actually taken the cash. A lady came in with my money in her hand while I was queuing up and said "I think you left this in the machine."

I actually picked the lady up and hugged her. I wish I could have thought more at the time to at least ask this lady her name - and I was so in shock that I doubt I would recognise her even if I saw her again.

I was gobsmacked - truly and completely (it doesn't happen often that I am so stuck for words!!!) but I was so surprised that it was returned to me safely. Funny ... the cashier saw it all happen and she said to me that someone was looking out for me that day! I was actually physically shaking because the household is pretty short of cash right now. That was literally all I had ... and I told her that I felt the need to go find someone to do a good turn for to pay it forward!! She said no... she said when things like that happen to good people it is because they deserve it.

That's a nice thought huh ... considering how STRESSED I have been lately and how much I do for other people that there has actually been some good karma repaid to me.

I've had a really weird day as a result, but it's got to 9pm and I have a smile on my face so that's gotta be good ... right? LOL Plus, my migraine has been "better" - not gone completely but better ... and my toothache is calming down too! Thank goodness for prescription drugs huh!!

p.s.

Just a quick Sunday evening addendum! My headache has been better today ... still there but only a 2 on the 1-10 pain scale as opposed to the 4 it was yesterday, so that's an improvement! Btw childbirth/root canals are at 10 on the scale for a good measure! Alcohol is definitely working as a pain killer though!! My toothache on the other hand is still very much there, alive and kicking!

Mum said to me this evening (had dinner at her place) that if I've had a headache/migraine for 3 days in a row then I really should see a doctor. I guess ... but seriously, what is the doc gonna say though? Oh you have your period? Oh and you're a bit stressed? That'll explain the headaches, take some tablets and if it gets worse then come back! I may as well save us both the time and not bother!!

Mind you, it might be worth going to get the prescription pain killers! I love Solpadol ... it's paracetamol & codeine at prescription strength in a disolvable format so it starts working literally within 15 minutes!

I'll see how I feel in the morning!

April 6th - a SNOW day???

Well the snow sure came down! I was woken up at 9am by kids excitedly squealing about snow!! I dropped Megan over at her friend's house and after lunch we went to play out in the snow!! My mum came along too with Rosie Dog and we had a great laugh!

I was vaguely amused by how my normally very white dog looked decidedly yellow against the snow!! Nathan and his dad were having quite evil snowball fights and I am just glad they all abided by the "No throwing snowballs near mum's camera" rule! Oh boy I took a ton of pics! Here's just some of 'em!! Mouse over for my comments! LOL

Here's a couple of token "snowy landscape" shots! On the left ... I loved this angle with the trees and branches framing the contrast of the white snow (a field that still had virgin snow!) against the grey sky.

On the right I had just looked up into this gorgeous tree with snow covered white flowers and had to take a quick shot!! They look crap as small resized pics, but full size they look awesome!

Madness really - it's frigging APRIL!!

FUCK!

Somehow I have managed to corrupt the file I have been working on for my new wholesale catalogue. Fuck. I just rebooted my laptop and suddenly publisher is telling me that the file is corrupt???

I've spent three frigging days on that.

Still hurtin' :-)

Today has been awful. I dosed myself up with pain killers last night before I went to bed and I did sleep okay so that was a bonus. The headache and toothache woke me up at stupid o'clock this morning and I have hardly been able to shift it since then.

I have new pics of my seeds etc but feel too crappy to post about that! I'll update on that when I'm feeling better! LOL

My period ... plus headache & toothache - oh joy, lucky me

It is official - I have the killer period from hell. I could probably cope with the stomach cramps, the lower backache and being slightly more emotional than usual - but damnit my body has to throw in an evil toothache and then just to finish me off completely, a headache too.

Short version of the day - my stress levels have been rising VERY VERY high and I've had a couple of "small" panic attacks throughout the day. A friend actually witnessed a part of it - and no matter what, I always try not to let people see how bad I can get when my anxiety and stress levels rise.

Thankfully, the friend who was there turned out to be the perfect person to talk me through it. I don't know what I would have done without being able to just talk and breathe and that point and have someone just listen, tell me I CAN get through this and remind me of light at the end of the tunnel.

I'd had a headache all day, but by the time I had picked up the kids from school, the toothache was much worse, and that was the point the headache seriously kicked in and made me wonder whether it was actually a migraine instead of just a headache. I took a first dose of pain killers at that point, then by 4pm I felt myself going downhill rapidly.

I did some research earlier and I think I have what is very affectionately termed "menstrual migraine" caused by a drop in oestrogen ... remember I'd had no period for 3 months and then I decided to stop taking the pill so I could try to have a natural cycle (it's been six weeks since I stopped the pill) so there is my reduction in oestrogen!

I feel dizzy and off balance like I've been on a roundabout and my head is killing me. Bright lights make it worse and all the while I stay relatively still, it hurts less. Moving around definitely makes it much worse.

So hi ho, hi ho it's off to take more pills I go ....

This post is about my period ... read on if you dare!!!

Avert your eyes if you are the remotest bit embarrassed by "women's things" LOL This post is about my period!

I take the pill religiously every day without fail because I have a horribly irregular natural cycle and it helps me to know when to expect my period. It can be an awful shock when you are out for the evening in a pair of white trousers and you suddenly get your period. NO it has never happened to me, but my fear of it meant I never wore white until I discovered the pill! LOL

Anyway ... damn I sidetrack a lot don't I!

I haven't had a period since Christmas. I hadn't overly worried because I know my body very well (I've known it thirty two and a half years!) and I also know there is no chance of me being pregnant ... I did a test a couple of months ago at the start of January just to be absolutely sure and surprise surprise it was a big fat negative.

I just put it down to stress because I remember all to clearly the last year with my ex boyfriend ... I was with him for five years and the last year we were together I didn't have a period AT ALL and I was taking my pill to the letter! I was back and forth to the doctor (at one point I did get pregnant by my ex despite the pill and had a miscarriage as I hadn't known I was pregnant and was doing a lot of stupid stuff but that is a whole other post!)

Anyway ... since then, I've always had pretty irregular periods. I even tried norplant and the depo injection but they sent my already screwy emotions completely outta whack. I eventually went on the pill again, doctors put it down to being stressed out in a bad relationship and blah blah.

I split with my ex, tried out a couple of different varieties of the pill with the doctor and eventually found a brand that worked for me and didn't turn me into a hormonal bitch from hell! LOL! After that the pill was kind of my regulator! I take a pill for 21 days and then have 7 days off. During that seven days I bleed for about 3.5 and it's usually fairly light to moderate. It's been that way for over a decade ... until just before Christmas anyway!

BUT the last period I had was actually in December. Admittedly I had "backpacked" my pills in November (for reasons I won't discuss in a public post!!) so that I didn't come on... but since then despite taking the pill properly, I've not bled at all. Anyway, after I took the negative test a couple months ago (I can't believe I am posting this in my blog but there ya go!) I decided that again "just incase" - to be doubly sure and all that jazz ... that I would take a test by the end of March if I hadn't come on!!

Soooo it was only actually a few days ago that I took yet another (very negative!) pregnancy test! The weirdest thing was ... as soon as I started thinking about the (exceptionally ... and seriouly, I mean SLIM) chance that I could be pregnant ... my boobs started to feel tender, I had to pee more often and funnily enough I hadn't been sick in a LONG time. See, whenever I've been pregnant before (pg 4 times had 2 miscarriages - one with my ex, one with hub then 2 children) I have ALWAYS had morning sickness.

In fact, I remember it wasn't even morning sickness - I referred to it as "Martini Sickness" ... ie anytime, anyplace, anywhere!! It was one of the first cues that I was pregnant ... and the fact that my being sick seemed to have stopped? It was all such a weird bizarre co-incidence.

Anyway (damn I am waffling tonight aren't I!) I had decided last night that I would take another pregnancy test in the morning "just to be absolutely doubly sure" because the first test I did when I was with Megan was a negative even though it worked out I would have definitely been pregnant at the time. It was only when I re-took the test two weeks later that it showed positive. A scan even proved I was 11 weeks at the time, so the test should have showed positive. The first test I did when I was pg with Nathan showed up right away and I was only very barely pregnant with him. My body is as wacky as my mind - go figure!

The weirdest thing was after thinking about that last night and starting to really worry about the possibility (yeah I slept badly too) .. I threw up this morning. It wasn't pretty is all I will say! Even the kids asked me if I'd been crying - LOL yeah I looked that bad!!! It was the start of me really feeling like absolute shite today.

I even remember thinking first thing this morning (about the point I gave up looking in the mirror and just put a hat on to take the kids to school!) ... I thought, is it me or is it just ironic that I throw up again (major pregnancy symptom after not throwing up for a LONG time) when I really start to panic about the "remote" (and seriously, it is a very very very remote possiblity! LOL) chance that I could be pregnant?

Bizarre how it was negative eh! LOL

(yeah I know, I take forever to get to the point!!)

So even though I was feeling crabby and crappy ... baggy and bloated. I went into work to do literally "the necessary" and came straight back home again. I put it down to working so hard recently for so many days in a row straight ... and needing almost a day off to recover from my day off yesterday!

Then - about half one this afternoon it happened! (cue Hallelujah chorus!) The reason for several anxiety / panic attacks today ... the reason why I have felt like I've been dragged through a hedge backwards!!

I GOT MY PERIOD! YEAH!!!!!! It's been incredibly light and hardly noticeable, but I'll deal on that! LOL I'm not just happy that I have absolute concrete proof that I am in fact NOT pregnant (even though the possibility was slim - did I say that enough yet? LOL) but it's also a reason why I have felt crappy and gained 2lbs this week! HAH!!

Okay period talk over - you can read again!!

The funniest thing was ... well, it wasn't funny as in haha but more funny as in hmmmm .... for that 2 minutes that I avoided looking at the results window, I actually hoped it would be positive even though I knew it would be negative!! Clear as mud? LOL A positive result would not have been a good result considering errr "circumstances" for want of a better term, but there was still a tiny part of me that knew there was that very VERY slim possibility.

I'm going to be 33 in July (tick tock and all that) and it's now very unlikely that I will ever have another baby. Those two minutes were almost like my last chance saloon and oh am I feeling it!

Hadn't meant to end on a melancholy note :-( Hopefully tomorrow will bring a better day ... and maybe I really REALLY need to get a puppy!!

I love days off!!

... I really do! I had worked the last two weeks pretty much solidly and my last day off was easter sunday so I felt I deserved a day off today! I have had an absolutely fantastic day too .... want to know what I did?

The sum total of absolutely naff all! I plonked myself on the sofa, armed myself with a coffee and a smoke, turned the TV over to either Maury or Jeremy Kyle or similar "nonsense" type TV and sat on the sofa for most of the day!!!

Okay well that's not technically true! I did do minor housework (necessary surface clearing only!) then I spent a good hour cleaning up my scrap room so that I can start working on my new comission for a 20 page scrapbook album. I am very excited about this project :-) I'd lost my mojo for a bit there, but just stroking all my embellishments brought it aaaaallll back!!

The Bloggers Prayer

This is NOT meant to be blasphemous in any way shape or form! This is a little ditty that I came up with while I was pottering with my seedlings and taking photos yesterday!!!

Our personal lives which art online,
Blogger be thy name.
Thy daily lives written down
Thy photographs taken,
And uploaded just as it is in real life.
Give us this day our daily blog
As we promise to photograph
Those things which art of importance to us.
And lead us not into getting sidetracked
But deliver us from writers block.
For blogging is life
No power and no glory
But forever and ever
So there.

© Dee Stapleton April 2008

My fingers are getting greener! Seedlings update!

This is what I got up to on Sunday afternoon! I'd been in the workshop all day from early till late, and when I got home I decided to relax by pottering with my plants! I love that word ... pottering ... it's a way of describing how you are doing something, yet hardly anything at the same time!

Anyway, my baby lettuce seedlings were ready to re-pot into their first pots, so I split a black sack as a waterproof table cover in the conservatory and got busy! The pic to the left shows them just before they went into their pots.

CHECK OUT MY PINK SPRAY BOTTLE!! This was a pressie from a very good friend that obviously knows me very well. Apparently it was spotted on the shelf in B&Q and I was told that it was so me (as in pink!) and that it just couldn't be walked past!! I love pressies but this is such a GREAT one!! LOL When I water the brand new seedlings with a jug of water, it compacts all of the soil down (ie not good!) and the spray mist (pump action yeah baby!) is so gentle! They did look a little sorry for themselves after being re-potted but I can happily report that they have perked up now!!

Aaaaanyway, I also planted more tomato seeds, ummm 6 cucumber plants and I have started on this years herbs from seed - I've got basil and chervill on the go at the moment! I really want to do everything from seed this year!! Ohh, and as I had a spare propagator, I planted another whole tray of lettuces! I didn't take a pic of those as ummm well it's just soil in trays! Hahaha!

Leopard Boy & Pirate Girl

Hehehe well this was actually last week but I lost my USB cable and couldn't download from my proper camera!

At Beavers, there are a few soft toys that are dressed up as Beaver mascots, and given to different boys each week for smartest dressed, best behaved, hardest working etc. Last week Nathan got to bring home Leopard Boy for working hard! As you can see from the smile he was chuffed to bits!! Nathan gets a lot from Beavers - as well as having a LOT of fun, he really learns a lot there too because he's interested in it - that's definitely the key with keeping this one occupied!!

At Brownies last week the girls had a Pirate themed evening and had to dress up in costume! Needless to say we raided her brother's dressing up box for a pirate shirt that was waaay too small but looked fantastic anyway over a blue t-shirt that she chose because it looked like the ocean! She borrowed Nathan's pirate hat, teamed it with black trousers and hey presto an almost Pirate!!

Take one box of Mum's face paints and twenty minutes later we have a Perfect Pirate with a painted eye patch and matching scar on her cheek! There were a lot of brownies there with obviously brand new specially bought pirate outfits but I reckon something put together from bits and pieces and a lil bit of face paint is MUCH more fun! She had a great time and came 2nd in the competition for best pirate!!